To think whatever you done as a teenager will come back to haunt you when your own kids are that age

[greenkite0]

I believe this but my fianceé says no that's not the case and you should teach your children not to make the same mistakes
?

emphasis that's exactly why I am trying my damnedest to parent in a completely different way - both my sibling and myself have had several mh issues from our teens although our parents always denied it was anything to do with our upbringing - after all we had good childcare, private schools etc etc. But we were ignored and emotionally abused.
But it's so so hard to parent differently as I revert so quickly to authoritarian type strict parenting with a hefty dose of emotional blackmail if I'm not careful. Just this morning I've been reading reading "sibling rivalry" and "how to talk...." To try to find a different way of dealing with a problem we're having

I don't think there's an easy way to change your parenting, but if anyone has any tips I'd like to hear them! (Really struggling right now as extremely sleep deprived )

I think my teenage experience will help. I intend to be quite honest with DC and will have a much better idea of how to deal with issues around sex and drugs, than my parents who, while loving and lovely, were actually quite innocent and naive about the world.

No it's not necessary true.
My lads are 20 and 18 and I have had hardly anything to worry about.
Both had 100 % attendance from junior schools years to the end of high school. Both are working in good jobs and have steady girlfriends, DS1 for 4 years DS2 for 18 months. Both involved in sports teams , both savy with money and save. Both do quite a bit of travelling. They have turned out great and are loving and chatty and often include me and their dad in things that they are doing.

I, on the other hand , was like watching a crash about to happen. I had very low attendance, failed many exams. It want so much as me getting in with the wrong crowd but I was the wrong one.

I currently have a very well paid job, ironically, supporting families that have teenagers that don't go to school, failing exams, being groomed, self harm ,take drugs and are running with the wrong crowd. I think sometimes it's best to keep my teen years hidden!!

Not necessarily.

By 16 I had left home and was living with somebody I hardly knew. married him at 18. Dropped out of school right after the O levels I ploughed. Binge drinking myself to oblivion. Homeless often. Unemployed a lot. Courting bodily danger with alarming frequency.

DS is almost 17. A self starter academically, very sensible, won't drink anything with bubbles let alone alcohol. Has tremendous focus. Is emotionally stable. Happy to negotiate limits rather than buck against them. He is the complete opposite to me.

In part that is personality and genetics. I have ADHD, he does not... and he is basically a clone of my sister. But a rather large factor in my behavoir as a teen relates to choices my parents made when I was that age. They went very "adult wants prioritised over kids' needs" at that time. I've done the opposite.

DS is very different to me as a teen. Part nature, part nurture added to a very large dose of DH being his dad. Cos DH is an excellent communicator and has a gift for keeping things emotionally warm with firm boundaries.

It's not a given you will get what you were. Sometimes if you change the contributory factors that shaped your behavoir you can give your own child a chance you didn't get at their age.

Nope. I was a little shit. But the time I was my dd's age i had been expelled from 3 different schools. Been arrested about 6 times. Been charged, been to court and was fashioning a very fetching curfew tag.
My 2 older dp's was already in prison so was a lot of my friends. It was inevitable I was going the same way.
I was also drinking a lot A LOT. From the moment I woke up I would open a can of strong larger.i was also experimenting with drugs. I was just following suit. It's what my parents did.

I got pregnant at 17. I had 2 choices. I could carry on the way I was and turn my dd in to me. Or I could sort my life out. Break the chain.
My dd is 16 and sitting her GCSE's. The only one in the family to sit them outside of prison. She's predicted to get A's and B's.
She's already been awarded 2 a*'s from course work and has had 3 detentions in her whole school career. All of which for being late because she's missed the bus.
She's bloody brilliant!
Parents tend to parent the way they was patented. Hence the cycle. You turn into your parents and your kids turn In to you

Yes, it's really hard Sleep. I'm fortunate in that my parents mostly did very well with us but life was very serious. I only remember seeing my mum laugh properly once! I remember because it was so unusual. It took me a long time to realise that wasnt entirely normal or right and I've tried to do things differently.Life in our house is much lighter than it was when I was young but could/should still be so much more fun. My DSs are very serious too and that makes me sad.

This is what I see in the parents I meet through work. Even those who recognise that their own parents did a terrible job fund it really hard to do things differently. Even when they have made changes there are still many similarities that are harming their children.

Sorry that's painting a really black picture. Of course I only get to see the ones where it's all gone wrong!

Watching my db's dcs though is rather uncanny. It's definitely history repeating it's self there

So how can I avoid the cycle? How can I tell her not to have underage sex when that's exactly what I done? I don't understand how to break it and I'm so scared

Don't think history has to repeat itself.

You can parent differently to your mother for a start. You've seen being ultra strict just meant you lied, etc. So how about being firm but fair rather than strict....trying to keep a good relationship and communication going?

The experts apparantly say if you did drink, drugs, etc then don't tell your kids this because they will just think you're a hypocrite if you tell them not to do it.

Make sure she has dreams and aspirations. So encourage her with hard work at school the world is her oyster. She has to want to achieve.

Emphasise some of my friends find it hilarious that I have to have books to tell me how to parent! But I have to or I sound just like my parents!
Yeah not much laughing here either - I'm concentrating too hard on not fucking up. Well I bedshare, use slings, try to listen and talk to them. Encourage friendships etc. Don't smack or walk out saying it's all the bloody kids fault driving me to a nervous breakdown. And I don't chain smoke or drink all evening either. So some things are definitely improved!

I think if you were badly behaved look at the reason for it. I was beaten, kicked and verbally abused by my alcoholic father and mentally ill mother. No support whatsoever. I went off the rails a bit as did my sister.

My kids and niece are 20, 18 and 15 and relatively well behaved. They attract nice friends, don't drink much or do drugs and my two are in steady relationships. All doing well educationally unlike me at that age.

DS1 (17) is very different to how I was as a teenager. He's very quiet and super-introverted. He definitely does not drink at all (he's very rigidly against so much as trying a bit of beer or wine at home and doesn't go anywhere except school and very occasionally to his friend's house to play dungeons and dragons (usually weird hours like 9.30am-3pm).

He's making his own mistakes that are quite different to the crap choices I made. We all make mistakes but there's no reason that a child has to repeat their parents' mistakes.

My mother was a very troubled teen. Dropped out of school and had me at 16. She dumped me soon after.
I was troubled as a teen too and made the same mistakes. Dropped out of school and had my first child at 17. Raised both my sons with no family support.
Both boys (16 and 17) are doing well in school and the older one wants to go to Uni. They are both fairly good kids and beyond the usual alcohol and staying out late they are both very little trouble.
I just got lucky and had boys. I think that saved the family from having another generation of teen pregnancy. My boys are certainly much better kids than I ever was.

I certainly hope not 🙈

Thankfully sensible when it came to boys but enjoyed alcohol and drugs a bit too much.

Thankfully grew out all of that.

I think change your mindset? So rather than "how can I tell DD not to do it when I did" think

"How can I guide DD to see what a bad idea it is and the risks etc".

Just because you did it doesn't mean it's a good idea - and you know deep down you don't want your DD following that path or it wouldn't worry you that she will.

I think the reason I did 'bad' things as a teen was because my parents were very strict, I didn't have money to buy my own clothes or go to the cinema with friends or go out for food unless they agreed which was maybe 30% of the time and only if they approved of the clothes or friends I would be with. Older boys with cars gave me freedom I wanted but also introduced me to sex, drinking, smoking and drugs from 14 which wasn't positive. They have no idea what I got up to, and although nothing bad ever happened to me it could very easily have done. I plan to be quite open with DD about my experiences and to allow her more freedom as I doubt I would have done the things I did had I been allowed to do things that 'normal' teens got to do and had choice in how I lived my own life. I had the strictest parents out of my friends and was definitely the most 'out of control'. DP was wilder than even I was but that was due to his dad encouraging drinking drugs sex etc. from a very young age, seeing it as a positive and selling it as making him a man not a boy. I have no doubt that DP will avoid following this model of parenting, I think balancing our approaches and experiences will hopefully make for a well rounded young woman.

How old is your dd op?