To expect him to not nap with toddler

[farhamster]

Had a rare lie in this morning while DH got up with DC(2.5).

Finally came downstairs to find toddler watching TV, stair gate open, sharp knife lying on kitchen counter, DH asleep on couch. I spoke to toddle for a bit, sat down & cuddled him, finished getting dressed. DH didn't stir. He only woke up when I sat on couch next to him.

He said he was resting his eyes and knew everything dc was doing. But he hadn't been aware that I was even in the room for 5-10 minutes.

Aibu to be pissed off about this? I feel like if I get another lie in it'll be ruined by worrying about dc now.

I don't think it's that bad. Nothing happened. I would snooze if toddler would leave me alone long enough.

Dangerous to leave a knife out of course but perhaps he just fell asleep. I know I've done it.

He doesn't deserve to get hung drawn and quartered though.

Sounds like he fell asleep by accident. Easily done. Obviously he shouldn't have but it's not as though he did it intentionally!

I don't agree that sharing all lie-ins is the norm. I do all early starts because I'm in the routine and DH is not a morning person. We tried it a couple of times, but he struggled to stay awake and I couldn't get back to sleep once woken before 6am.

If you can't trust him to stay awake, why not get him to take over mid morning instead?

Who has managed a danger-free house for a 2 1/2 year old?

Ours could undo the stairgate, use drawers to get to the work tops, drag chairs into the kitchen to get to the work tops, can stand on work stops to get to cupboards above the worktops.

I understand that this is Mn and men are bad and stupid etc, blahdy blah, but really, this is perfectly fine. Our DCs survived [touch wood] despite us not watching them every second of every day.

Do people even use stair gates when children are past 2?

I think you're being precious and over the top.

I'm a single parent, don't get what the problem is re safety.
I get that he's not pulling his weight that's the issue.
Safety wise. Latch on fridge and drawers, stair gate closed stick CBeebies on and both lie in. There's four adults in the house v's 1 toddler.

When DS was 3, I had to work so left him with Ex who fell asleep rather than watch him. DS decided to go for a walk and fell into a nearby river. Luckily the farmer pulled him out. I got home to a naked, crying DS standing on the doorstep with a very upset farmer who gave me a bollocking.

It's different if your toddler is in bed with you watching a tablet or something while you snooze but your kids need to be secure.

YANBU. This scenario wasn't safe.

There are arguments that it's ok when the toddler is in a secure area, which this one wasn't. And obviously as a pp pointed out, some toddlers can climb over stairgates etc, so for them it might never be possible, but I can envisage some scenarios where there's at least a discussion to be had. This wasn't one of them.

I'd also be worried that rather than lying about resting his eyes and knowing what DC was doing, he actually thinks this is true. Because that would mean he isn't aware he was asleep and would be overestimating his ability to keep the situation safe.

Also, why was this a rare lie in? Is there a reason you're not sharing?

Ours could undo the stairgate, use drawers to get to the work tops, drag chairs into the kitchen to get to the work tops, can stand on work stops to get to cupboards above the worktops.

But presumably you secured any sharp knives away out of reach, rather than leaving them out on the kitchen counter?

MissShittyBennet

Where? We had them on a magnetic rail at the back of a work top but anything we managed was a delaying tactic at best. Childproofing doesn't work. You never realise how insecure your house is until you're locked out. You never realise how dangerous your home is until you have our son.

DH once caught him (the week of his second birthday) where he'd used a chair to get onto the dining room table, and was about to launch himself off the table onto a single settee cushion on the floor that he'd carefully prepared before climbing up. I'd say that this scenario which can't really be prevented had more potential for death or serious injury as opposed to a cut on the fingers from a kitchen knife.

The OP is being precious and over the top. Besides which, 2 1/2 year olds don't need stair gates and can bypass most of the safety features we try to have.

I'm guilty of having the occasional light nap while my daughter plays in the same room.

I am very cautious though. I lock the kitchen door, ensure external doors are locked, ensure nothing dangerous is lying around in her reach and set an alarm on my phone incase I don't wake after 15 minutes or so, or fall into a deep sleep.

Ours were locked away when we had a climber. Literally locked. I haven't seen the layout of your house so can't really comment on where yours should go, but I note that the answer to my question about whether you just left the knives out on the worktop appears to be no. So you evidently agreed with me about that not being a good idea!

The fact that you can't prevent every risk is hardly a reason to take completely obvious and preventable ones such as not leaving a sharp knife out when not supervising the child. Thus, OP is being neither precious nor over the top, but 100% reasonable and logical to object to this.

but I note that the answer to my question about whether you just left the knives out on the worktop appears to be no.

They would have been left on the drainboard or in the draining rack which seems to be the same thing, so, as within reach as the OP's husband.

A draining rack would be one more obstacle than leaving them out, so not really. But your climber must have been pretty uninterested in knives for you to have been able to do that without incident. Not an assumption we can make about OPs child based on the information given.

Either way, not being able to prevent all risks so choosing to take a completely avoidable and pointless one is still a ludicrous argument.

We need a safety gate because she can get up easily but still struggles getting down so needs supervising. And he wasn't there that supervise.

Yes, knives should and are kept away - in the knife rack or shoved to the back of the bench where she can't reach, but in this instance it was near the edge.

I know it's not possible to watch them every second of the day but I think there's a way to minimise risk.

And I suppose my thinking is clouded by the fact that I look after her 24/7 and when he did one morning he couldn't stay awake, or at least remove obvious risk factors.

As a pp says, the fact that he is denying it seems worse, because he's not aware and that's the concern. I don't know how long he was 'resting his eyes' for as they were alone downstairs for about 4 hours.

He is still huffing and of the opinion that's it's okay because nothing happened and he would have heard if it did. I think surely what he would have heard is the consequences. He wouldn't have heard her climbing the stairs, he'd have heard the tumble down, or the cry when the knife cut but not the toddling out of the room to get it.

Thanks for all the replies and I realise there are instances when you might be able to doze with a toddler present, I just don't feel that the set up in our house this morning was one of them.

When mine were little I woke up a couple of times when I'd obviously dropped off while looking after them .

It may have been a "one off" which doesn't make it okay but it might have been accidental and not a regular occurrence or planned. Luckily everyone was fine.

Agree OP. YANBU. Do you think he is unaware then, rather than just being defensive? Because I honestly think the former would bother me more.

You are not being unreasonable if your DH hasn't secured your toddler before falling asleep.

It partly depends on the child. DD at that age would have taken herself off. She could open the door and when we fitted a new, higher lock, she worked it out in a day.

It sounds like your LO can climb stairs and does and wouldn't be safe to do so. So no, he can't nap with the stairgate open.

FWIW I didn't want a baby as much as DH. It certainly hasn't got me out of any baby-related chores. Because once you agree to become a parent, you are a parent. Not half a one because your spouse wanted a child more.

I've napped for 2 hours before while my almost 3 year old has access to the kitchen and stairs. I put it to another aibu and they said it was fine, yet a man isn't allowed to do it

How many sharp knives did you leave out?

I think we're all already wondering how many more you are sharpening/have sharpened MissShittyBennet

Believe it or not DH actually sharpened one earlier! Perhaps it was a sign from the universe that I need to go for a sleep upstairs, tell him to nap on the sofa and leave it out on the counter for the toddler.

greekite aibu is like that sometimes. I don't always think it's a gender thing, it's just who is around to read the thread at the time.

Bit of a mixed bag of answers anyway. I suppose it depends on a few factors like what your child is like, what your house is like and that.

MissShitty I think he's unaware as sometimes he does nap on the couch but deny he was asleep when snoring. But I wouldn't know for sure as I'm just getting the cold shoulder now and cooking dinner myself even though he said he would. He's too busy now apparently. I'd have not bothered and gone out, except the meat was going to spoil and I've not got a lot this week to justify the waste.

I'm sorry op but I really don't think this is your main issue. It sounds as though there is a huge imbalance in your relationship. And now he's punishing you by not cooking because he's been caught out lying! Dangerously close to gaslighting imo.

If it's the second time around for him he knew what having a child is like and went into it with his eyes wide open. So he knew from day 1 hard and tiring it would be for you. Not for him obviously as he knew it would be you doing it all. It's a bit of a poor show when he can't even stay awake once in a blue moon to allow his spouse who he supposedly loves to have a lay in.

Do you want your child to think this set up is ok or fair? I wouldn’t. And I say this as a single parent. I'd be letting him know things need to change asap. And if they don't I'd quietly be looking for employment to ensure I can support my child when I LTB