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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU To expect my sister to come out for my birthday meal?

73 replies

emilyk315 · 20/05/2017 21:43

I'm having a birthday meal with family and friends bank holiday weekend. I'm turning 30 and consider it a big birthday. My sister isn't coming, she would prefer to go away for the weekend to the same caravan she's been to for the last three weekends in a row and hundreds of times before. We're going out on the Sunday, so she could still go Friday to Sunday and come back in time as it's in the evening. Am I unreasonable to think that she should make an effort to come? Or have I got no right to expect anything from her?

OP posts:

Shockers · 20/05/2017 22:59

It was a joke.

Not a funny one, I'll admit.

Mum2jenny · 20/05/2017 23:00

If it helps, my dsis will not come to anything I ask her to. It's rather annoying but I can't make her!

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/05/2017 23:02

emilyk315

sometimes siblings just don't get on.

Mine still sees nothing wrong with the way that they have treated me in the past.
They would like to have a closer relationship, but for me too much has been done, to little was said and they still don't accept responsibility for their actions.

I do not know if this is the same for you but it may be that you don't get on.

It is not something that you can force.

Wolfiefan · 20/05/2017 23:06

Maybe your idea of a meal out is too loud and full on for her? Maybe she finds such public outings highly stressful for some reason? Maybe she would just rather spend her free time doing what she wants?
Just because you're related doesnt mean she has to be there.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 20/05/2017 23:07

Maybe she is somewhat jealous of you and can't be around you when the focus is on you and not her.

HeddaGarbled · 20/05/2017 23:13

You are being unreasonable to expect her to if she doesn't want to but I think I'd want to know why she doesn't want to. She goes to other people's celebrations and you sense that she is distancing herself from you. There has to be a reason for that. Any idea?

Original poster

emilyk315 · 20/05/2017 23:13

Crumbs 1 - it's a personal choice if you see a birthday as a big one or not.

Boney Back Jefferson - When we're in each other's company we do get on. We haven't argued or anything.

Wolfiefan - She's willing to go out for other people's celebrations, especially if it's for her husbands family. It's her own family she seems to not want to bother with. I feel it's a little personal.

I think I should just step back and stop trying with her.

OP posts:

Mum2jenny · 20/05/2017 23:17

I'd give up with her, it's just not her scene. Try another option if you want!

Original poster

emilyk315 · 20/05/2017 23:17

I don't feel she is in any way jealous of me.

No idea what her reason is. I'm also a bit peeved that she hasn't had he decency to tell me herself that she's not coming. She had our mother pass on the message. Maybe she just doesn't want a sisterly relationship and I should just stop trying.

OP posts:

Original poster

emilyk315 · 20/05/2017 23:18

What else could I try?

OP posts:

GabsAlot · 20/05/2017 23:30

i think you should step back from her

for some reason she dosnt want a relationship with her side of the family

is thir no other backstory?

chipsnmayo · 20/05/2017 23:31

I'd be pissed off too OP, however sadly there isn't much you can do if she just doesn't want to come.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/05/2017 23:31

You are siblings, doesn't mean you have to be friends. Although at 30, I'm surprised you aren't aware of that

Original poster

emilyk315 · 20/05/2017 23:37

No other backstory.

liviadrusillaaugusta - I'm not a moron. I try my hardest to have a relationship with her because it's breaking my mother's heart that we're not close and growing further apart. I don't think there's anything wrong with trying.

OP posts:

scottishdiem · 20/05/2017 23:42

it's a personal choice if you see a birthday as a big one or not.

True so grant your sister the personal choice not to come. Cant be that difficult? Some people just will not reciprocate the relationship desire of other people.

Crumbs1 · 20/05/2017 23:52

Absolutely a personal choice. Maybe she's with me that at 30 you're a bit old for making a big song and dance and expecting others to join you.

KC225 · 21/05/2017 01:42

I can understand why you are upset but there is little you can do. Perhaps you can call her and ask her directly.

It may be breaking your mother's heart but she needs to stop facilitating your sister's behaviour. She should have said 'you need to speak to your sister and tell her you are not going, I will not do your dirty work'

Good luck OP

GreatFuckability · 21/05/2017 01:53

do you have other siblings? if its all the occasions on your side of the family she avoids, maybe its not you, but someone else on your side. she clearly has her reasons, and all you can do is respect them.

Original poster

emilyk315 · 21/05/2017 08:56

I'm not making a song and dance. Why are you being so bitchy? Is there any need for it?

GreatFuckability - No there's no other siblings.

OP posts:

Epipgab · 21/05/2017 09:01

Phone her and say you're sad about what seems to be a distance between you. Ask her what's wrong.

Pagwatch · 21/05/2017 09:03

The op doesn't seem to be 'making a song and dance' unless posting a question on mumsnet constitutes a song and dance?

Op, as your relationship is cordial why not just call her and ask her?
It's not confrontational or anything else to just phone and say 'hey, I know you are not coming and that's fine but I worry a little that you and I are a bit distant and that is increasing. Is there anything I can do - do you want to be more in contact too or is it just me?'

You have nothing to lose if it's just drifting anyway.

diddl · 21/05/2017 09:07

I don't think a family meal for a bday is making a great big fuss, is it?

How many of you would there be?

It does sound as if it's you that she isn't bothered about, sadly.

We take my dad out for a meal-he's in his 80s.

I always thought that a meal out was about the most low key way of celebrating a bday!

Perhaps depending on how many there are!

LadyinCement · 21/05/2017 09:11

There are some quite hard posters on here. It's quite reasonable to want a closer relationship with a sibling, and quite normal for a parent to be sad that their dcs are not particularly close.

I think the only way forward here is to actually ask the reason why the sister is not attending. Pagwatch has a good line. I agree that if it's reached the point where someone is ducking out of an occasion (be it 43rd b'day, 27th... whatever) for no good reason it can't make matters worse to ask why.

TheweewitchRoz · 21/05/2017 09:21

I agree with you Op - I'd be hurt & disappointed too. I do think your DM should have told her to tell you herself rather than acting as messenger as that doesn't help anything. Is it possible she misunderstood your DSis?

I would also agree with Pagwatch - sounds like you've nothing to lose by calling her up & asking her what's going on.

Trills · 21/05/2017 09:33

It sounds like she is not bothered about having a relationship with you.

Are you bothered for yourself, or just for your mum?

I agree that you've got nothing to lose by taking Pagwatch's approach. You might not get a straight answer though - she may claim she wants a relationship because it's easier to say that than to say actually sis you're just not my kind of person.

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