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AIBU?

AIBU To expect my sister to come out for my birthday meal?

73 replies

emilyk315 · 20/05/2017 21:43

I'm having a birthday meal with family and friends bank holiday weekend. I'm turning 30 and consider it a big birthday. My sister isn't coming, she would prefer to go away for the weekend to the same caravan she's been to for the last three weekends in a row and hundreds of times before. We're going out on the Sunday, so she could still go Friday to Sunday and come back in time as it's in the evening. Am I unreasonable to think that she should make an effort to come? Or have I got no right to expect anything from her?

OP posts:

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FeralBeryl · 21/05/2017 09:33

I'd be hurt too OP, I don't think she's being intentionally malicious, she's simply prioritising her own needs and family above that of yours sadly.

Would she have anyone to mind children if she did come home for the meal, or would they be invited too?

If there is no giant backstory about how she's never been included etc or a family feud then I'd definitely approach her over it once you feel less emotional to do so.

I'll also just throw it out there that '30' being a massive Birthday is a relatively new concept for me. I'd always thought it was 18, 21, 40, 50 and so on. Could she be the same and not see the importance to you?

LottieDoubtie · 21/05/2017 09:35

Yesterday 22:55 Crumbs1

It's not a big birthday- they stop at 21and start again about 75. Why on earth should she come if she doesn't want to?

This is the most miserable post I've seen on MN for ages. Are you seriously saying that because you don't think 30/40/50/60/65/70 are important milestones nobody else has any kind of reason to celebrate? How unspeakably dull!

OverOn · 21/05/2017 09:38

Did you speak to her directly to invite her? It might be that the family has got into habit of messages being relayed by DM.

I'd try calling her as Pag suggested, tell her you want to reconnect and see what happens next.

JamAndBread · 21/05/2017 09:39

YANBU. Have you spoken to her about it?

Grown up you: Call her up and have a chat.
Or
Passive Agressive Childish you: Feign ignorance of your DMs middle man message and call/text your DS something along the lines of. 'Looking forward to seeing you on Saturday. Do you need the address of the restaurant?'

JamAndBread · 21/05/2017 09:42

Crumbs1, you sound like a bundle of laughs. How dare OP have a birthday meal. She should obviously spend the day alone, hitting herself with a thorny stick instead.

GU24Mum · 21/05/2017 09:49

.. but if she'd already planned to go away for the whole bank holiday weekend, she might not want to have to come back early. Is she going with friends? Do you live near each other? Has your b'day meal been planned for a long time? Did you ask her direct as an "I'd really like to get everyone together as it's my 30th" or "if you're free, I'm going out with some family and friends". I guess either of you may be being slightly unreasonable (but I'm not sure who!) or neither of you really are and it just hasn't worked out. Honestly it's not worth forcing it - much better to enjoy the evening rather than have someone there being sulky and miserable.

About 4 years ago we had the chance to have most of our family for Christmas - my OH/children, parents, my sister & her BF and another relative. I invited everyone round but my sister, her BF and other relative decided they didn't fancy spending the day with the children so it was just the three of them. They had a pretty quiet and boring time, we had a great time - it's a pity they weren't there but it's there choice. My sister now wants us to go and see her for Christmas (she lives overseas but was here that year) and gets put out that I don't really want to spend the money when she couldn't really be bothered that time.

Hope you have a great birthday though - sounds as though you'll have people there who really want to celebrate it with you.

FatOldBag · 21/05/2017 10:01

She already has plans to be away with her family on holiday! No she's not unreasonable for not dropping all her plans for a meal for another adult's birthday. YABU, self-absorbed and ridiculous, get over yourself!

emilyk315 · 21/05/2017 10:11

No there's no misunderstanding. I didn't think it was making a fuss. My feelings are hurt that she doesn't want to be there and she seems to be distancing herself. I wouldn't do this to her. I would be there even if I didn't want to be. I'm also a little annoyed that she hasn't even technically told me that she's not coming. I think that's rude. There will be 7 of us, not including her and her husband. All family.

OP posts:

Kokusai · 21/05/2017 10:12

In those circumstances my sister would be there. But yours obviously is a bit funny.

JamAndBread · 21/05/2017 10:19

Had she booked the holiday in advance? If so maybe she's planning on seeing you when she gets back?

Iamastonished · 21/05/2017 10:22

Some of you are a cold hearted lot. I don’t understand why some posters don’t get why the OP is disappointed. Of course it feels personal. The sister makes an effort for other people, but not her own sister.
I’m 58, and when I was 30 it wasn’t a “thing” like it is these days. Perhaps the sister thinks the same?

Babbaganush · 21/05/2017 10:29

What is her dh like? You say she goes to family events on his side but not so much on your side - my ex was very cleaver at making sure there was distance between me and my family. It was only after we split that I realised how manipulative he had been, he tried to cut me off from everyone!

Iamastonished · 21/05/2017 10:33

Good point Babba

Roussette · 21/05/2017 10:35

I was prepared to click on this thread and tell you were BU. However, NO, that is not the case. It's bloody mean of her and I cannot imagine not going to my DSis's big birthday even though we arent that close.

I've actually got a big birthday lunch for my SIL coming up and I wuldn't dream of not going. Mean mean mean of her.

I wouldn't contact her, I wouldn't talk to her about it, I would just ignore the fact she isn't there and make it a great lunch and have a fab time.

Perhaps she's doing this for a reaction, whatever the reason it is horrible I think, especially as you haven't fallen out.

emilyk315 · 21/05/2017 10:35

fatoldbag - No she didn't, she made these plans yesterday. I invited her at the beginning of April. She'd already told me she was coming, so technically she dropped plans with me to go to her caravan.

She doesn't want/have children, they would interfere too much with her life.

I asked her directly and she promised she would come. She sees the importance of milestone birthdays. She and her boyfriend are planning a big long long trip for his next year.

OP posts:

emilyk315 · 21/05/2017 10:39

Babbaganush - I'm not 100% sure. He can be false and I wouldn't be surprised if it was his influence.

She hadn't booked it in advance. It's her in laws static caravan. They've been there the last 3 weekends in a row. And they're going the week after.

OP posts:

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/05/2017 10:43

I try my hardest to have a relationship with her because it's breaking my mother's heart

What do you want to do?
Do you want to be closer because you want to be closer or just because your mother wants it?

HeddaGarbled · 21/05/2017 10:49

Your little dig about children interfering too much with her life does just give a bit of a hint of a back story.

Babbaganush · 21/05/2017 10:54

My take on this is that her boyfriend is pulling the strings, she may not even realise! She has told him about your birthday meal, he has arranged something he wants to do..................

emilyk315 · 21/05/2017 10:59

She didn't have to tell him. I invited them at the same time. I think you could be right.

OP posts:

Emphasise · 21/05/2017 11:09

There's obviously something going on. Up to you if you decide to be hurt or try to find out what it is.

FWIW given two things I don't really want to do, I'm more likely to agree to the one with DH's family as it's harder to stay no to them. With my own family I have a much more relaxed attitude and we tend not to over think each other's actions, so a "snub" us less likely to cause lasting damage iyswim. That said, I'd want to go to dsis' birthday.

Epipgab · 21/05/2017 11:22

She doesn't want/have children, they would interfere too much with her life.

Are you sure that's true, or if it is, that she hasn't changed her mind? I know of some people who've said this to deflect the topic, when actually they've had fertility problems or miscarriages.

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SafeToCross · 21/05/2017 12:11

Bide your time, there might be things in the future that will bring you closer. DH's sister began to feel upset how far apart she and her sister had become. In fact they were not speaking. But a health scare in the family (thankfully recovered from) got them talking again, and actually 2 years down the line dh and his siblings are quite close and huggy. I bet your sister does harbour envy or jealousy, and feels it strongest when everyone is there to celebrate you. But she is just staying away, not stealing your limelight, so no, I don't think she is doing anything wrong. I wonder if she would prefer to see you 1:1 sometimes, sort of like you are making the effort just for her, not your mum or your families?

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