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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I weird/a shit parent?

61 replies

DrSeuss · 20/05/2017 15:12

DS, just turned 6, went off on a joint Beaver/Cub trip today. Left just before nine, back around five, (excellent choice of destination by Akela, mega thanks to all leaders for giving up their day.) Just read a FB post by two of the other parents about fighting back tears as they left, worrying about them being OK "on their own" although how a bus full of kids and a half dozen or more adults is on your own I don't know.
So, is it weird that my first thought on hearing about the trip was, "Fantastic! I'll get loads done that day!" And I have got loads done. However, now I wonder if I shouldn't be a bit more "moved"?

OP posts:

Answeringwhyquestionssince2002 · 20/05/2017 15:40

If you're weird, so am I. My attitude would have been exactly the same as yours.

HoldBackTheRain · 20/05/2017 15:40

No but you're implying you already know you aren't and want people to agree with you and patronising the mums that are worried in a passive aggressive manner which is completely unneccessary.

diddl · 20/05/2017 15:41

Well, anyone can post anything on FB, can't they?

When my son was at primary school, they did a trip every year.

When my daughter started, I was quite put out to discover that she'd only be doing trips in the last 2 yrs

When they were at 2dry & trips coincided my husband had the time off work

MrsJayy · 20/05/2017 15:41

See when mine were that age there was no facebook either so no oversharing of ^missing my baby

NavyandWhite · 20/05/2017 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 20/05/2017 15:48

I had a lump in my throat the first time my PFB had a day out with the KIndergarten-just when something happens for the first time.

Didn't feel the need to share it though.

Daughter burst into tears as the bus drove away as she thought that he was never coming back!!

Missingthepoint · 20/05/2017 15:51

Bot the OP has made clear this is a DAY trip. Barely longer than a day at school+after school club so why the upset parents? If it was residential I'd understand a bit more. Genuinely don't understand.

strikhedonia · 20/05/2017 15:52

Why do people need affirmation that they're great whilst in the meantime putting down other parents who think differently to you?

that.

Roomba · 20/05/2017 15:53

I'm like you OP. I do get a lump in my throat about my kids sometimes, but not when they are off to do something fun and exciting that I know they'll absolutely love!

DS1 went away for a week with school recently. The peace and quiet was fabulous and I knew he would be having a whale of a time. I didn't quite get all the parents who were crying as they waved their kid off, then posting on FB all week about how awful it was being away from their DCs all week. Funnily enough those were the kids who cried too then whined about being homesick all week. They didn't get to enjoy themselves at all which seemed such a shame. Part of having kids is teaching them to go off into the big world and have independent fun, surely?

harderandharder2breathe · 20/05/2017 15:54

missingthepoint exactly!

I have far more sympathy with the worried parents when it's overnight.

witsender · 20/05/2017 15:55

Well, for many it is probably the handing them over to a coach driver, as against sending them safely into school I guess. And for some kids the act of travelling out of their comfort zone or routine can throw them during the day.

bojorojo · 20/05/2017 16:00

I think there are wider implications than just "great" parenting. Some children may well be nervous but how you deal with that is crucial. There is already lots of evidence that not ensuring your child becomes confident and outgoing actually harms them educationally because they do not know how to take risks and overcome obstacles. Not playing outside with other children definitely harms children. Even if parents get a bit worked up, they should hide it and encourage their children to branch out. Parenting is not about showing how much you care by posting on FB. It is about bringing up the next generation of high functioning adults. Leading by example never hurts!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/05/2017 16:01

I don't think you're either weird or a shit parent.
On DS1's first day at school, I didn't have any tears or anything - but then I had a baby to go home to as well.
When Ds1 went on his first overnight stay with school last year (2 nights away) I also didn't have any tears, because I knew he'd be ok and if he wasn't, his teachers would call me if they couldn't help him themselves. He was fine.

Having said that, I might be a bit more teary when Ds2 does these things because it will be the last time, but who knows!

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 20/05/2017 16:14

Do you think that the recent, well-publicised death on a school trip has maybe made those parents you refer to a little bit more anxious as they wave their babies off?

multivac · 20/05/2017 16:29

Clearly, what you actually mean is "are they all weird/shit parents?"

And no, they're not. They're just - gasp - different from you.

TexasPete · 20/05/2017 16:34

I'm an anxious parent. My DD is only two though.

I work extremely hard at making sure she is not aware of my anxiety. She goes to nursery three times a week because I'm at work and we have no option. It gives me anxiety every day but I smile through it and we talk only positively about nursery. She absolutely adores nursery. It has made her into a fiercely independent and confident wee soul. She's quite comfortable without DH and I, and I'm glad she's like that, and not an over-anxious fool with no self esteem like her mother.

She has gone to stay with her grandparents tonight. I can't relax when she isn't here and I really didn't want her to go. But I did, because (1) they are desperate to take her, (2) I recognise that it is healthy for her to build relationships without me and DH, and it isn't all about me, and (3) I'm heavily pregnant, fucking knackered, and DH has decided that I need a break and we need some time together.

When she left with her daddy, I hugged her, excitedly told her she would have a great time with granny, and off she went quite happily.

I cried when she left watching her walk away down the path with her Elsa doll 😩

(Now I'm lying on the couch Mumsnetting in utter silence, so I'll be just fine)

I don't think I'm a lesser parent for feeling this way.

witsender · 20/05/2017 17:08

To be fair, a child can be over anxious without it being the fault of the parents. And they can be anxious despite having been to school or preschool, because they're individuals just like adults. Some like their own company, some don't. Some take comfort from the familiar, some don't.

You wouldn't guess how much my daughter struggles when you look at her. She is fiercely independent and physically adept, confident and smart. But she hates being away from family (happy with grandparents, uncles and aunts etc). Absolutely hates it. Becomes hysterical and then shuts down. Will cry and shake and clam up. But she tries, she goes to Beavers every week even if she doesn't manage it all. My husband volunteers and she is happy if he is there (even if he is busy elsewhere, just having him somewhere helps) but really struggles, despite being a little person who loves to see her friends. She got a mention at the AGM for being so brave yesterday which meant a lot. This isn't something we have engendered in her, it is who she is.

DontLetMeBeMisunderstood · 20/05/2017 17:35

missingthepoint I felt a bit teary as I waved my son off to a beaver's activity day today. He was a bit anxious and clingy, but then he's going through a tough time because I recently split from his dad and he's getting used to spending time apart from both us (as are we). I didn't feel sad until I saw him on the bus and I could see he looked sad and was wiping a tear away. It is a day trip but it was left early morning and he won't be back til about 9:30 this evening - it's nothing like sending him to school for 6 hours. And whilst it might be just a day trip, because of our change in circumstances, he won't be seeing me until tomorrow evening. Additional to this I'm naturally a little anxious and couldn't help think of the little girl who recently died on a school trip - not because I think that will happen - but because I wondered whether he parents waved her off in the same way we were doing.

Nonetheless I was cheerful until he left, and you'll note that regardless of any anxiety he or I had, he went, and I'm sure he'll have a great time. But I'm still allowed to feel a little sad and share that with people if I want to. Does any of that help you to understand why sometimes parents might find things upsetting/difficult?

MrsFionaCharming · 20/05/2017 18:29

As a Beaver & Cub leader, I love anxious parents. Whenever we have a have a trip / camp I invite parents to come too (and DBS them of necessary). Lots of anxious parents = lots of adult help!

mummabearfoyrbabybears · 20/05/2017 19:23

Wow, glad loads of you have your judgey pants on today. I'm massively over anxious when my children leave for anything like this. It's not them. It's me. I have huge anxiety issues when they are not in my control. I have come a long way and it's a huge fight but I'm getting there. Most probably because my brother was murdered when I was 18 and my husband was horrifically injured by a landmine* few years later. Nearly leaving me widowed with three young children. You're a great mum OP, but so am I. Until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes . . .*

mummabearfoyrbabybears · 20/05/2017 19:25

Bold fail!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/05/2017 20:04

I don't think genuine feelings, either way, are an issue at all.

...but it's another thing that makes me glad I don't 'do' Facebook etc.

2ducks2ducklings · 20/05/2017 20:52

I'm not a crier when they go off on outings. I've known people cry at the school gates when their children have gone on a school day trip!
However a pp mention people frying at a year 6 leavers assembly, I'm afraid I sobbed before I'd even sat down in the hall at that! I'd dreaded it for the whole school year and it was just as emotional as I had expected it to be. My daughter never shed a single tear though!

The80sweregreat · 20/05/2017 21:32

I used to worry about them! The kids had a fab time..
We're all different.

Goldenbear · 20/05/2017 21:57

I think it's natural to worry about a Beaver's first time away. There's a distinct difference between Beaver's and cubs I.e in some cases a Beaver can be 5, a cub can be 10(?). I had a similar situation last weekend as my DD went on her first Rainbows' trip for the day. She is very young still (5) and small for her age, she has also taken 18 months to settle in to school. I worried about the coach as she has an amazing car seat and the coach doesn't have them. I worried about her daydreaming and wondering off. She is very young in her tastes - likes Peter Rabbit still on Cbeebies, likes quite a bit of Cbeebies still actually and she's not an older than her years kind of girl- I think it was perfectly reasonable to worry about it. I have a 10 year old boy that does not attend Cubs but has been away with the school and I'm mostly very happy about his ability to cope, after all he will be at secondary school in 2018. There is a 'huge' difference in their ability to function and think independently. That age gap can be seen in a joint beaver/cub outing so it's understandable that some might be concerned.

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