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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what you think of the 'default parent' thing?

46 replies

Notevenwensleydale · 20/05/2017 09:21

Hey,
Just after some opinions really! I've recently found myself feeling a little p*ssed off that DP has so much more freedom to do what he likes than I do. He can just walk off and have a lie down without saying a word, he can make plans and just tell me about them once they're made, he can sit on his iPad engrossed whilst I make tea and barely give our toddler any attention (FWIW he doesn't do this all the time.)
It's not like he doesn't do anything, he does he's a brilliant Dad. But the point is I can never just 'turn off' from being a parent. If I want to do something on my own I would feel inclined to ask, to check it was okay, to make sure that DS was okay, instead of just assuming.
Found the term 'default parent' online and figured this is something that goes on forever! So, is this just the way it is? A difference between men and women? Mums and Dads? (I'm sure there are default Dad's out there too!). Or is it unfair? What do you think?

OP posts:

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 20/05/2017 09:24

It's not something that happens in our house to be honest. Obviously when he's at work I'm default parent, since I'm the only one here, but when he's home it's both of us. If one of us wanted to go off and do something we'd ask out of courtesy, neither would just disappear.
Your situation does sound unfair.

Liskee · 20/05/2017 09:26

Not in our house I'm afraid. Both of us are equally in demand by both DS and actually normally DH becomes 'default parent' while I get in with other jobs. Maybe you need to get proactive and just tell your DH this is happening now, you're in charge?

Fairenuff · 20/05/2017 09:29

It's usually just plain good manners to check with your partner before making plans so I would insist on that OP.

So called 'default parenting' only goes on if you allow it to. Nip it in the bud and make sure he knows that he is equally responsible for childcare.

MrsELM21 · 20/05/2017 09:30

We have a bit of this in our house, not terrible but probably about 60/40 me to DH, he's very good when we're both at home but also thinks nothing of making any plans to suit himself whereas I will always check that the DC's are covered, there's never any question of me 'not being allowed' to go but I do always make sure everything is set before I go

Tobuyornot99 · 20/05/2017 09:30

I know what you mean op, if I want to go and have a long soak in the bath I'll tell DP (not ask if it's OK, but just let him know), where he'll dissappear off for a 20 minute poo faffing about on his phone as well probably - yuck - as I'm default parent. I can't really call him on it as he doesn't even do it purposely (I hope!) but every day something small happens to make me realise I'm default parent. Like he'd never think "Oh, DD could do with some new clothes", or "What are we doing for DD''s bitlrthday this year". With you totally.

P1nkSparkles · 20/05/2017 09:37

We're very similar here OP. I feel I need to ask permission to leave DD to go for a bath or go outside to put the bins out (maybe ask permission is the wrong term - but draw my husband's attention to the fact that he needs to be responsible). Whereas he just does his own sweet thing & I'll realise he's not around or will just hand her to me and walk off as though being with me is the "default" position.

It annoys me greatly - we've discussed it at length (well more I've bollocked him and told him it's a shitty sexist attitude) but he doesn't even seem consciously aware he's doing it.

Smeaton · 20/05/2017 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WinchestersInATardis · 20/05/2017 09:37

Yes. It was definitely a thing for us, but I don't think it's a 'goes on if you let it' thing. It was an endless issue in my marriage with me talking to xh about it and him just not getting it.
It's not the only reason there's an 'x' before the 'h' but it certainly didn't help.

DarkFloodRises · 20/05/2017 09:42

Are you a SAHM or on maternity leave? When one parent (whether it's the mum or dad) is at home with the DC all the time, I think this situation is more likely to develop as they're inevitably more in touch with the child's needs.

Original poster

Notevenwensleydale · 20/05/2017 09:45

So DP definitely pulls his weight with the childcare at home. We take it in turns each night to bath and put DS to bed, to get up with DS on weekend when we're both off work, he's always been quite hands on. It's not that he doesn't do anything and I do everything.
It's like some PP have said, it's the disappearing for a 45 minute long poo (45 mins! Obviously there is some gaming in there too) without saying a word. It's the fact that it doesn't even occur to him that he's leaving me as the parent responsible, it's a given. I'm never 'not allowed' to do anything, if I want to go out with the girls, have a long bath etc it's not a problem, but I have to make it known to him otherwise he wouldn't realise he's in charge if that makes sense? Whereas he doesn't seem to have that worry, he knows DS is fine if he leaves as I'm automatically the default parent. Another example is when we eat out (rare- very stressful!) it is automatically always me who chops us DS's food, makes sure he's eating it etc- my food is usually always cold by the time I start! I pointed this out to DP the other day and he seemed genuinely shocked and t had never even occurred to him before. He doesn't do anything deliberate, it's like he's never even noticed. Probably my fault aswell as I 'automatically' do these things.

OP posts:

Original poster

Notevenwensleydale · 20/05/2017 09:46

I work part time, three days a week. So I am at home more with DS.

OP posts:

corythatwas · 20/05/2017 09:48

It may be a common state of affairs but it's not a given and you can fight against it.

TiredMumToTwo · 20/05/2017 09:51

Yes, I became default parent when I was with my x - one of the reasons for the x. Now I'm default parent with my DH, I address it with him on a weekly basis so def not letting it happen, I feel the resentment slowly building over time (again).

DoorwayToNorway · 20/05/2017 09:56

When my children were little it happened more, as I was a SAHM. We did swap roles for a year and that really helped to eliminate the default parent. It did go back to being me again 60% when we swapped back (financial need, he earned way more and another baby came along). I think it will naturally happen with babies and toddlers, someone will do more than the other unless both work part time or full time. It doesn't have to be forever and as your children get older it should be eliminated. I would talk about it as well. You might not need the extreme measures I did, but you do not want to be the default parent without question either!

JuniDD · 20/05/2017 10:01

It used to be like this in my house but I got so fucked off I just started doing the same thing. I now take myself off upstairs for a play on the iPad if I want to, stay in bed in the mornings etc. If he takes longer than 5 mins to 'get something from upstairs' I give no shits about screeching 'what are you doing?' and just give the same answer when I'm doing the same thing. Don't be afraid to say ' why is ok for you to have a 45 min shit but not me?' Nothing bad will happen if you start to behave the same way.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 20/05/2017 10:02

Stop asking, start stating. "I'm off for a bath" "I'm popping to the shops" "I'm having a nap"
Honestly, I used to ask, I was just making myself feel guilty. Came to a head when I had been invited for a weekend away. Got chewed up bringing myself to ask. When I did dh just looked and said "you're not a teenager, you don't need my permission."

DarkFloodRises · 20/05/2017 10:03

Rather than trying to get DH to change, could you make some changes yourself? Next time you go out for a meal, leave him to cut up DS's food. If he doesn't notice it needs doing, point it out, but maybe he'll realise before then. Wait for a time when he and DH are happy together and go off and have a shower without mentioning what you're planning to do. Not in a 'this is how it feels' retaliation way, but just in a 'let's try re drawing the boundaries a bit' kind of way.

Herbella · 20/05/2017 10:04

Aha: I noticed this twenty five years ago but didn't know it had a name.
Sure my kids' Dad was (is) a great Dad and did / does lots of stuff with them.... took the initiative over loads of things but I realised early on that I was the "default parent" as far as there always being an adult on hand. The way I phrased it was "I am responsible for the DCs unless I have specifically made arrangements for someone else (DH, child minder, M-i-L, friend, nursery) to 'cover'.
It's not right, but that's the way it was.
I'm not sure that it is really possible for this not to be the case - I would worry that there would inevitably be a "gap" one day and the DC would suffer as a result.

MerlinEmrys · 20/05/2017 10:05

This is my life too!

It's either DH time or family time. If I want time to myself I have to leave the house to get it I never get to relax alone in my own home unless DS is in bed.

I'm actually so fed up with it I'm considering leaving him. I'm desperate for time to myself that's not work or evening when I'm too exhausted.

BalloonSlayer · 20/05/2017 10:08

Sometimes the DC make you default parent though.

My youngest would sometimes say "can you fill my drink up please" to me when he could clearly see DH was in the kitchen - didn't occur to him to ask his Dad. The older two will ask me what time they are leaving to go to X, when a) it is their Dad who is taking them and I am staying at home and b) DH is brilliant about time (always knows what train to get and when to leave) whereas I am crap and they know it. They just slip into the mode of Mum is the font of all knowledge and can fix everything. Recently DD had a minor problem that she needed to make a decision about, there was nothing I could do about it. She really didn't seem to be able to grasp I couldn't sort it out for her. (She is 15.) Quite flattering in a way.

Original poster

Notevenwensleydale · 20/05/2017 10:11

It's good to see I'm not making this up in my head! I've addressed it a few time with DP but I'm not sure he gets what I mean. I'm not sure he ever will!
merlin so sorry to hear you are feeling so shit about the situation. It's so unfair. What does he say when you talk to him about it?

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 20/05/2017 10:12

If he really does pull his weight with childcare, he wouldn't assume you can cover whenever he feels like doing something else. He'd check and run it past you like you do for him.

And I definitely don't buy that it's some sort of inherent difference between men and women, whereby women get lumped with the shitty end of the stick and there's absolutely nothing the poor old men can do about it, it's all in their biology etc etc. Bollocks.

Enko · 20/05/2017 10:13

Dh was terrible at this when the children were younger. I think it was also made worse by the fact that I was a SAHM then. However over the years and with some inconvenience to both of us he has learnt that this is not ok. So will phone/text before he makes arrangements. However we have now got out the other " end" our children are teenagers and actually can be left alone for a few hours yet he still texts/phones to check its "ok" if he has a drink with his friend. TBH now I don't really care so much. IF he wants a drink for an hour just let me know you will be late.. However now I cant say anything as I made a issue over it before.

witsender · 20/05/2017 10:15

Hard one. When they were small I was default because of breastfeeding and the relationship that engendered. I was at home and he was at work but he would still check about anything outside of the ordinary.

Now we home ed and both work part time so are both as available really. In fact if anything he takes on more.

Fairenuff · 20/05/2017 10:16

I must admit I've never felt the need to tell dh I'm going to the toilet even when the children were tiny. He's more than capable of looking after them so I wouldn't worry about disappearing within the house for a bit.

I would tell him if I was going out though.

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