To ask what you think of the 'default parent' thing?

[Notevenwensleydale]

Hey,
Just after some opinions really! I've recently found myself feeling a little p*ssed off that DP has so much more freedom to do what he likes than I do. He can just walk off and have a lie down without saying a word, he can make plans and just tell me about them once they're made, he can sit on his iPad engrossed whilst I make tea and barely give our toddler any attention (FWIW he doesn't do this all the time.)
It's not like he doesn't do anything, he does he's a brilliant Dad. But the point is I can never just 'turn off' from being a parent. If I want to do something on my own I would feel inclined to ask, to check it was okay, to make sure that DS was okay, instead of just assuming.
Found the term 'default parent' online and figured this is something that goes on forever! So, is this just the way it is? A difference between men and women? Mums and Dads? (I'm sure there are default Dad's out there too!). Or is it unfair? What do you think?

It's not the case in my house either, sorry.
If one of us disappear in the bathroom for an hour, the other one is obviously in charge without any comment make (and it's usually me who take the longest because I have long hair!)

It's probably because you are at home a lot more, so you obviously do more and probably don't even realise it. Does your DH even have a day or 2 at home with the kids alone?

As an example, if you take a little one out for a day, you know that you need spare clothes/ drink/ snack/ hat/ raincoat and the kitchen sink. If you have never done it, or your partner always pack the bag for you, you won't really be clued up about it, until you go out unprepared, struggle because you didn't take what you need (deal with the tantrums because THE SUN IS IN MY EYE. I AM COLD/ HUNGRY/WET) but next time you'll remember. Lesson learnt.

I work on a Saturday sometimes and DS has him the whole day then, and I work late two nights a week so he is solely in charge of bathing and the bedtime routine. He does do a lot, I don't have any issues with the actual amount he does. He's perfectly capable of looking after DS.
It's just the fact then when I am there he can sit back and almost take a 'time out' from parenting if he so chooses, without running it by me at all. But I don't feel I could do the same without making sure DP knew what time/what he was having for his dinner etc, he seems to lack initiative on a lot of fronts and it's a given that I will do it. It's 'my job', he's being kind by 'helping me'- that's how it feels sometimes.

I'm another one who split up due to the default parenting issues. X would just silently wander off to do his own thing as soon as I entered the room, whether I was just walking through or intending to join them. Meant we never spent time together as a family and he never connected with DS.
I'd definitely recommend doing something to even up the balance before things go to far.

It is annoying but I have found that it does change over time and as the DC personality develops etc.

I was default when they were little but as teens it has evened out a lot, and out eldest who is 20, always defaults to DH because they are very similar personalities.

And teens/uni students still need you a lot, even though it's in different ways from the daily grind of toddlerhood.

Yes, I'm the default parent. It arose do to DH doing frequent long stints abroad.

I'm pissed off too...because the children don't and won't remember who did all the nitty gritty. When they are adults they will remember all the play swims, bike rides etc they do with fun dad. Not the who sat in night after night whilst they slept.

I am told 'you do the childcare - I work'. This has been going on for 25 years. I have challenged this continually and when I did work, I did it all, so I stopped. Now I am told I nag, I am not like other women because I don't support him unreservedly as the main breadwinner, I am difficult, and I am a taker'. Challenging his outdated ideas made me feel better but in reality I am married to a well off pig who has no respect for me. Yes, I still "do" the children and he opts out when the going gets tough and only turns up for the nice bits! The leopard doesn't change its spots so don't expect any improvement when you point out how you need to be respected! Some men are just not parents they are needy children themselves!

yep -i've always fought against this and advised friends to be vigilant when they have kids.
men can always grab the car keys and say they're just off out - women need to plan in advance, leaving snacks etc etc

it shouldn't be this way, refuse to allow it

bojo, why are you still with the wanker?

I am still the default parent although we are divorced and both live in the same town. It was a primary reason for our divorce - I realised I was a single parent for most of the time anyway. My ex husband is a brilliant father now, and probably has more to do with Son than he used to when we were married. I did start to get pissed off when school would insist on phoning me to pick up son when he was ill (he has a chronic health condition), even though I work 20 miles away and son's father works 5 miles away.

But then I realised I am the default parent to my son also. I'm the first he goes to - and yes, in the early years that was all the physical stuff. But now, in the teens, it's the emotional stuff. I'm glad I sucked it up tbh.

Yes I completely agree and nearly started this thread the other day but thought there would be lots of LTB comments...

My husband gets home from work and immediately goes into the bathroom for up to an hour even though I've been at home all day with the baby, who is 6 months and super demanding (how I envy those with babies who will apparently stay in their Jumperoo all day). I'm on maternity leave at the moment though so not sure if it will continue when I return to work.

It's not the making of plans like going out with friends etc. because I never do that without him or the baby anyway. But it's the little things like when I disappear to make a bottle I wonder whether he will notice she's lying down on the mat or whether I need to point it out...

I think it can happen very, very easily.

With the traditional set up, of mum taking maternity leave, she will taking the primary role of caring for the child, when very young, because she simply is the one at home doing so.

If she's breastfeeding, then she'll be doing either all of, or virtually all of (if also expressing) the feeding, and a lot of the comforting of the child.

Yes, dad can come home in the evening and do stuff, but, if he's not doing the days, and not doing the nights (especially if he can't because of feeding), then he's not going to be as in tune with the child, and their routines. So the child is more likely to start to go to mum/settle better for mum, and the dad is more likely to ask for guidance on how things should be done etc, because they do it less often.

Then women are more likely to go part time, which again means that the woman ends up more as the default carer, and the child will be more used to her sorting him/her out, than the dad, because mum is around more.

And then one day, you realise that you've totally fallen into a default parent situation. I think often its not delibrate on anyone's part, but its how the dynamic can often end up being, unless people make real efforts to redress the balance.

As much as you take on that role, you assume that role yourself by telling him when you are going out etc. The fact that he doesn't, probably isn't him thinking that he's not in charge, but if the kids don't tend to bother him to ask him things, or come to him as much, then he may simply not think of it.

I see this happening by stealth in our house, and I feel I have to keep pushing back to make DH realise what is happening. I don't think he really gets what I mean when I say that he assumes that I will be there when he just makes arrangements to do something with his mates without checking that I didn't already have something planned

Do you let him be default parent though?

Does DC definitely need food cut? DH was more lax with that than me...with the consequence that when they were with him they bothered to bite their food!

Why can't you just leave the room that he's in too for a 45min poo? Just do it. If something gets pulled over or broken that's DH's fault. Maybe wires pulled out the TV is what he needs to make him notice these things?

Best advice I ever got from mumsnet is to let DH parent his way - not expect to instruct him in my way and have him follow instructions like a babysitter. Of course it's impossible to be a confident parent if you're always in someone else's shadow.

'You've got 2 parents sweetie, go nag ask Daddy', then carry on with what you're doing. Every time.
It sinks in soon enough on all sides especially around 10 minutes into the 45 minute shit.
Took less than a week in my case.

We had this and I solved it by dividing up the weekends. For example " I'm default parent 8 till 12 and you are default parent 1 till 5." It's a shame you have to do this but if he learns to step up and you learn to step down it becomes more natural after a while.

Yes I'm the default parent-dh would probably think it's because I've already done everything-e.g organised dc birthday presents & outings & say he would do it but actually if I even said will you do that-he'd leave it until a few days before & then ask me what will we do & what will we get them!

Yy to all the wandering off to do things too, grrrrr

Like coldcanary says, the most oft-repeated phrase in this house is 'can you ask your dad?' Usually when we are both in the room, they'll ask me for whatever they need, even if I am obviously busy and DH isn't. I just tell them to ask him to do it. No probs.

On the plus side, it makes single parenting a fucking breeze in comparison, because you're doing the same things except without feeling resentful and angry all the time you're doing it. And you don't have another adult messing up the place and wanting food and attention.

I think you've got to make a joint effort to counter it. If you've tried explaining it and he doesn't get it then give actual instructions. "DH I need you to tell me if you're absenting yourself from parenting duty, because otherwise I assume you're just here." "DH, I'd appreciate it if when you see the DC mobbing me for help/attention/entertainment that you'd step in and offer some so that they don't learn to think I'm the only one who can do these things."

Also tell DC directly "Ask Dad, I'm busy" or pass them over for tasks that need doing.

Make sure you actually go out, have a long bath, go and lock yourself in the bedroom with a book, have a nap, etc. Just tell him he's in charge for the next hour or so. After you've done that a few times, do it over a mealtime and specifically let him know "They need feeding at 4". If you do come back to find nappies unchanged, kids unfed, kids unhappy etc then tell him it's not good enough.

DP is a fab Dad but I had to stop the default parent thing twice since DS (2) was born. Once when DS was 4 weeks and DP announced he was going to the barbers, going to meet his mate for a coffee then might go to the gym that Saturday- after 4 weeks of no sleep I went ballistic at him, he got it and changed how did thought about his weekends (he doesn't need permission just needs to think what 'we' are doing not just him) and once about 3 weeks ago when DS was ill and we were both working - I had a meeting I couldn't miss - no way of rearranging it (was also v stressed) I was happy to ask DGM to have DS for a few hours and would come home once meeting with as dond (DS too ill for childminders but Is very close to DGM) but DP wasn't happy as he thought that wasn't right. After me making arrangements with DGM and DP making a fuss, I screamed at him 'you can take the fucking day off then, why is it always me?' He called his boss immediately and stayed st home with DS.

Sometimes you just need to say it when the opportunity arises.

Yer I've brought it up a few times recently, in more of a conversational way rather than me just 'nagging' and he has said 'fair enough I won't do that anymore', but we will see! It's really just the lack of common courtesy that pisses me off tbh.