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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU with playdates

74 replies

Spaplease · 19/05/2017 12:48

More of a is DH BU, than AIBU.

My mum cares for our 1yo DS when I'm at work, she said the other day she was thinking of meeting up with an old friend, let's call her Kate, with Kate's DGS of similar age. Iv known Kate since I was born as we lived down same street together and me and her two DDs used to play together etc. I see Kate occasionally still at charity evens that mum organises. So I'm quite confident that I know her.

DH doesn't know her. Hasn't met her. And when my mum mentioned this the other day in front of me and DH I said that sounds lovely will be nice for DS to have a little play friend and lovely that you two can meet up with your DGS together now your both retired, then a conversation followed about how lovely it is you both had children together same street same age and now have DGS together in same town.

DH later approached me and said along the lines of I don't want my DS going with some random woman , why has nobody asked me, I don't feel comfortable with it, I think it's rude your mum organising this.

I was shocked but I did try and reassure him that I knew Kate very well , etc.

It's caused big arguements and he thinks I don't care what he thinks or his opinion on our DS and his whereabouts, and that he doesn't was DS to go.

I'm really upset about this , I think this is an innocent thing to do ? AIBU or is DH?

OP posts:

Starlight2345 · 19/05/2017 14:31

I wouldn't be reassuring him at this stage I would be telling him to grow up..At one they are getting interested in other children.

It is important they socialise .. As others have said.Any group, soft play, nursery or childminder your DC will meet other children ..I am a Childminder and the children I take on , the old parents are informed there is a new child starting. I don't ask if they are happy.

innagazing · 19/05/2017 14:37

It's very odd of your DH to have this view.

I suspect that he's using this to have an unjustifiable go about your mum, and at you too. Is he jealous of the love you have for your mum, or the time you spend with her? It certainly sounds like it!

I'd also add, that registered childminders are generally expected to take their charges out on a daily basis-it's good for young children to interact with the world and other people, have a change of environment, and get some exercise and fresh air. I'd be more concerned that his DM doesn't take ds out, although the current 50:50 arrangement at least provides some balance.

Lemonnaise · 19/05/2017 14:46

His reaction is really weird. Please don't back down on this and give him his own way. How insulting to your mother and her friend.

TheBakeryQueen · 19/05/2017 14:50

He is on a big power trip for some reason. I bet this is the tip of the iceberg.

Totally ignore him, don't waste your time trying to reason with the unreasonable.

DameDeDoubtance · 19/05/2017 14:54

This cannot have come from a vacuum, how is he with your friends? Does he do his share around the house, let you see your friends when you want?

TheMysteriousJackelope · 19/05/2017 15:00

YANBU. HIBU.

Presumably your mother will be with your DS all the way through the playdate. She isn't leaving your child with some unknown woman. I really don't see the difference between this and accidentally meeting up with Kate at the park. Does your DH seriously expect your mother to grab your DS and run off as fast as she can any time she happens to run into a friend while out at the park, going for a coffee, or out shopping? How odd.

I imagine if you had a nanny she wouldn't be allowed to take your DS to toddler groups or toddler based classes because he wouldn't know the people there either.

Rareshopkins · 19/05/2017 15:01

How involved is your mum? You say she took retirement to look after your DS? Maybe it's grating on him that she is so much around. Does she mind in your house?

If a mum came on here and said " I don't like MIL and DH wants her to do childcare " She'd probably get lots of support.

Original poster

Spaplease · 19/05/2017 15:18

My mums only involved/here when about to care for DS. She always comes and picks DS up (I have to drop DS off to mil) so she is here for that. But nothing else.

OP posts:

Original poster

Spaplease · 19/05/2017 15:21

Forgot to mention although that's probably another AIBU thread but we had a huge arguement when I first went back to work in march about DM having a key, and using it to enter our house when she was coming to care for DS. I think that's when the dislike for my mum started (or surfaced). She was coming to babysit while we went out actually , it wasn't even for us to go to work, we were expecting her as we were ready for her to arrive , and she let herself in with key. Biggest row we've ever had. Horrible.

OP posts:

Dairymilkmuncher · 19/05/2017 15:33

I would be suspicious of his relationship with Your mum's friend. He might know her from somewhere like the gum clinic or casino and not want to mix lives.....
....I admin that's a bit ridiculous but if this is so out of the blue behaviour he could be hiding something.

If he's like this at all about anything else then he's just controlling for the sake of it and uuuuurgh no way I could put up with it.

Original poster

Spaplease · 19/05/2017 15:40

Dairy milk muncher -

Interesting idea but he really doesn't know her. He's just being a massive nob

OP posts:

Dairymilkmuncher · 19/05/2017 15:55

Spaplease I personally couldn't deal with a bad word spoken about my mum, and couldn't be bossed about by my DP either I would be showing him the sofa and not making him any dinner

I put up with some dodgy behaviour from my MIL by the way and wouldn't be delighted about her having a key, watching our kids regularly etc but she's a so weird...

WhatchaMaCalllit · 19/05/2017 15:58

Not making any excuses for his behaviour but your mum (imo) really shouldn't have let herself into your house, even though she was coming to look after her grandchild, using her key. That is for emergencies only. It would tick me off too if someone I gave a key to for emergencies let themselves into my house, even if I was expecting them. They ring the doorbell like every other guest.

That said, the rest of the issues with your DH are his and his alone. He is basically saying to you that he doesn't trust your judgement too, whatever about that of your mother.

EsmeeMerlin · 19/05/2017 15:59

Your dh is a knob and there is no way I would let my partner treat my mum like that if she had done nothing wrong to him.

ChildishGambino · 19/05/2017 16:05

Have you asked DH straight what his issue is with DM. Sounds like he's being an absolute twat to me!

Original poster

Spaplease · 19/05/2017 16:09

I'm going to try and speak to him tonight about it - that's if he even speaks to me. He's quite happy being passive aggressive and giving me the silent treatment for as long as it takes. It's always me throwing the olive branch out .

Whether he loves my DM or hates her, I won't stand to have her disrespected in front of me. He can say what he likes to his own DM. Tbf he's a rude bastard to her too sometimes .

OP posts:

Original poster

Spaplease · 19/05/2017 16:11

That's fair enough about the key issue Iv spoke to a few people about it , some people don't mind and their DMs do the same, some do mind. Which is fair enough , if it's a problem for him, that's fine, but that doesn't make DM a bad person.

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 19/05/2017 16:13

He sounds really horrible. Do you really still want to be married to him? I wouldn't. I think you'd have a much nicer life with your DD/DS without him.

Dentistlakes · 19/05/2017 16:30

He's being a prat and ver unreasonable.

However, you need to decide how you want this to go. Unless you want it to end up in a complete meltdown all round then you need to manage the situation.

Get to the bottom of why he's behaving his way. Maybe he doesn't like your mum, bit it sounds to me there is more to it than that. How much is your mum around during your family time? If it's a lot then maybe he feels pushed out of his own home. Does your mum take over a lot of the decision making when it comes to your DS?

Something clearly needs to change to get things back on an even keel, you just need to find out what. If you ignore this as just being prattish behaviour then out will only escalate. You need to make home feel he's being listed to, no matter how unreasonable you feel he's being.

If this was a MIL thread I think we night be seeing slightly different responses.

DayMoth · 19/05/2017 16:38

we had a huge arguement when I first went back to work in march about DM having a key, and using it to enter our house when she was coming to care for DS. I think that's when the dislike for my mum started (or surfaced). She was coming to babysit while we went out actually , it wasn't even for us to go to work, we were expecting her as we were ready for her to arrive , and she let herself in with key. Biggest row we've ever had

Why did you give her a key without discussing it with your DH first? IMO this is the root of the problem. He is being left out of important decisions. I would be annoyed if DH gave someone our house key without my agreement and told them to let them self in. It feels invasive and she might start using it at other times too.

It's lovely you're close to your mum. But your DH apparently dislikes her or feels she's intrusive. At the end of the day, if he feels paid childcare is a better option you should discuss it because it's his child too: he's as much a parent as you are. What your mum thinks/wants isn't relevant. If he has concerns about how she's looking after DC you should hear him out. I don't think wanting to have equal say in childcare arrangements is 'throwing his weight around'.

Imagine your mil was doing the childcare and you had concerns but your husband dismissed them.

If my mil wanted to take toddler DD to her friend's house, I'd want her to run it past me. I worry about things like unfenced ponds, dogs, house not being child safe. My mum is careful but less alert to hazards than me and slower on her feet.

Why don't you suggest the play date takes place at your house or mils? Or have them meet in the park or softplay?

CheeseCrackersAndWine · 19/05/2017 20:28

I know keys are an issue for some people but my DM has a key for our house. I trust her not to abuse this (seriously, who has the inclination to go into someone's house other than when expected) and quite frankly it makes our lives easier also. If his DM/DF lived closer I would have no issue with them also having a key. We are all family after all and they make us feel welcome in their homes so happy to do the same in return. I personally can't see the issue with the key unless she is actively using it to snoop round/come over unexpectedly etc. If you know she is coming at a certain time does it really matter if she uses a key or rings the doorbell? You husband is not coming across well in this post. He needs to get over himself.

Starlighter · 19/05/2017 20:36

It doesn't matter if you know Kate or not ( although the fact you do makes it even weirder!) but while your ds is in your mother's care, everyone should trust her judgement to take care of him whatever they do, wherever the go and she should be free to meet up with (within reason!) whoever she wants!

Very strange reaction from your DH... there must be something else going on here?!

junebirthdaygirl · 19/05/2017 20:42

If this was mil we were talking about here people would be saying cheek of that woman letting herself into your house and we all hate our mils buying tat. Also if your dh came home and said his dm was bringing your baby off with one of her pals that you never heard of you wouldnt like it. Especially if it was a mil prone to unsuitable boyfriends!!
Actually l wondered if this thread was a set up to see if people reacted in the same way as they do to mils.
I myself would have no problem with the visiting Kate bit but we need to be fair here. Put yourself firmly in your dhs shoes and see how you would react.

letsmargaritatime · 19/05/2017 21:49

With all due respect, bollocks

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