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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with playdates

74 replies

Spaplease · 19/05/2017 12:48

More of a is DH BU, than AIBU.

My mum cares for our 1yo DS when I'm at work, she said the other day she was thinking of meeting up with an old friend, let's call her Kate, with Kate's DGS of similar age. Iv known Kate since I was born as we lived down same street together and me and her two DDs used to play together etc. I see Kate occasionally still at charity evens that mum organises. So I'm quite confident that I know her.

DH doesn't know her. Hasn't met her. And when my mum mentioned this the other day in front of me and DH I said that sounds lovely will be nice for DS to have a little play friend and lovely that you two can meet up with your DGS together now your both retired, then a conversation followed about how lovely it is you both had children together same street same age and now have DGS together in same town.

DH later approached me and said along the lines of I don't want my DS going with some random woman , why has nobody asked me, I don't feel comfortable with it, I think it's rude your mum organising this.

I was shocked but I did try and reassure him that I knew Kate very well , etc.

It's caused big arguements and he thinks I don't care what he thinks or his opinion on our DS and his whereabouts, and that he doesn't was DS to go.

I'm really upset about this , I think this is an innocent thing to do ? AIBU or is DH?

OP posts:
Love51 · 19/05/2017 13:45

If he went to nursery he'd be socialising with kids dh doesn't knw, and all those kids parents / grandparents / foster carers / whoever's would be comin in to pick up their own kids without dh say so. Most child minders attend groups, for childminders and mindees or playgroups. Mine took my kids to another child minders house to play in the garden. When another minders heating was broken, she worked from my cms house for a day. I think a couple of other cms parents picked up from my cms house. All these different people, some of them probably interacted with my kid.
Childcare gets dull without another adult. And, I swear my youngest is a bit bored today because we've had to stay in and there are no other children here (had to be in for workmen and other dull reasons). Seeing new people is fun for a 1 yo!

MooMooCat · 19/05/2017 13:45

Your dh is a nasty knobhead.

sysysysref · 19/05/2017 13:47

Completely weird. My mum meets up with her friends and their grandchildren all the time when she has mine or my siblings kids. I know most of her friends but even the ones I don't know, neither of us has any issue whatsoever about the kids meeting up with them.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/05/2017 13:47

He's a prick. Even with childcare or a nanny your children will spend time with people he doesn't know. Best he gives up his job right now.

My mum has my children. She can do what she likes/go where she wants with them.

fruitbrewhaha · 19/05/2017 13:48

oh dear, he really is being an arse. Is this completely out of character for him?

Itsallaswizz · 19/05/2017 13:48

How very odd. Is there something in particular that your mum does/has done that he has misinterpreted perhaps? I agree it's very strange that this should suddenly be an issue - I'd be looking for the real problem here and it doesn't sound like it's your mum.

harderandharder2breathe · 19/05/2017 13:51

I could understand his concern if DS was being left with someone DH doesn't know.

HIBU to object to your mum meeting up with a friend who you know as well while caring for the DGC.

Ellapaella · 19/05/2017 13:53

Sounds like he's trying to cause problems between you and your Mum, is he trying to alienate you from her? Is he so abusive in other ways? because this is definitely abusive and controlling behaviour imo.

Vroomster · 19/05/2017 13:53

What about children he meets at toddler group or nursery or out in the street? Should you just keep him at home where he can't possibly talk to anyone?

Your DH is being a dick.

WashBasketsAreUs · 19/05/2017 13:55

How ridiculous! I have my grandson a lot as my daughter is a supply teacher, so there's no regularity as to when i have him. If I've arranged to meet up with friends for coffee for example, he comes with me. He usually comes shopping with me, he loves all the people at my work ( my daughter's not met all of them) and not once has my daughter or son in law ever questioned it. Indeed, it's such a non issue i don't think I've ever asked/ told them I'm doing it, unless in passing or afterwards.
Tell him to sort out his own child minding arrangements, and to have a plan b in place when the child or child minder ill or unable to have him. Idiot.

WashBasketsAreUs · 19/05/2017 13:56

is ill

BluePeppers · 19/05/2017 14:00

He is unreasonable.
If he trust your mum enough for her to look after his ds, then he needs to trust her enough to evaluate if someone he doesn't know is trustworthy.
There are plenty of people his ds will have been in contact with when he is his gran. People at playgroups, at the park etc....

He needs to have a good loook at himself there. He cannot control her that way.

greenworm · 19/05/2017 14:00

I think he just doesn't like your mum / finds her annoying and is acting really badly because of it.

I have nothing in common with DPs mum and find her annoying, but she is essentially fine and nice so I smile and am polite a d dont cause a fuss. He needs to do the same unless he has any actual grievances.

Original poster
Spaplease · 19/05/2017 14:01

I'm so grateful for your replies I really am. It's really getting me down and I'm being made to feel like I don't value his opinion or care what he thinks , and he's making my mum out to be unsuitable to care for DS. Apart fromDH and I, my mum Is the most suitable person to look after DS imo. And his mum. Who is equally great.

I really don't know what to say to him, he's literally not talking to me now. I've reassured him about Kate and that a play date is good for DS. I feel like things like this are going to break our relationship .

OP posts:
Sanchezwasntdirty · 19/05/2017 14:02

So your DM was good enough (by his standards) to look after DC before meeting up with her friend but now she's not good enough. He doesn't trust her judgement and would rather pay someone else whilst making other digs. I'd be loosing my shit. Your DM is offering to do you a favour, for free, to make your lives easier and he dares be rude about her! Nope not happening I'd tear a rather large strip off him for being so insulting and tell him to open his wallet for childcare.

Hissy · 19/05/2017 14:05

He even referred to my mum having had a few short term boyfriends before DS was born as "poor judgement"

Shock

Does he know that some childminders/paid childcare providers are single.... some of them even have the audacity to date

Your H is awful.

I suggest you have a big sit down with him pronto and thrash out all these ridiculous ideas.

diddl · 19/05/2017 14:06

I agree with pp, your mum is either capable & trustworthy or she isn't.

Plus you know Kate-is your judgement also shit?

Original poster
Spaplease · 19/05/2017 14:07

Thing I see if I said bollox to u and if u don't trust my mum then u need to organise other childcare and leave it up to him, id Be really upset as I want my DM to have her, and I know all he'll do is make his DM have her 100% of the time rather than 50:50. MIL doesn't really go out much she prefers to stay in and bake with her , read books etc which is great , however my mum takes her out nearly every time she has her. This time to meet a friend.

OP posts:
Hissy · 19/05/2017 14:09

Literally not talking.
He is ridiculous.

do not allow ANY of this nonsense to affect you, this is HIS issue and he is bonkers.

Just carry on as you were and get him to ask around and he'll soon see how ridiculous he really is.

maras2 · 19/05/2017 14:10

I've never heard such nonsense.
So now he's sulking? What a child.
Sorry spa I have no advice.I'm actually quite shocked that anyone could behave like this Shock
I've just asked DH what he thought.Lets just say that he agreed with me but with more colourful language. Smile
Best wishes from us though Flowers

Dairymilkmuncher · 19/05/2017 14:14

He sounds like a weirdo.

And he's not the boss of you! Or your mum!

Do you need ask permission from him before you go out and do things with your son?

Moanyoldcow · 19/05/2017 14:16

Your husband is a bully. He's trying to manipulate you by refusing to talk to you. If you give in where will it end?

Carry on as normal. What will happen? He never talks to you again?

Original poster
Spaplease · 19/05/2017 14:18

I don't ask permission I do tell him what I'm doing with DS daily like park/soft play/meeting mums. He has never voiced an option about where I take DS until my DM has said that she's gonna take DS to meet Kate. I think this is more to do with DH issue with DM rather than Kate. And perhaps he thinks I don't respect him enough to ask him / consult him. It's ludicrous. But there's just no getting through to him , hence the AIBU post.

OP posts:
Anotherdayanotherdollar · 19/05/2017 14:26

So this childcare he'd rather pay for... Is he going to vet all the nursery workers/childminders assistant, other children and parents? Or will he just trust the judgement of the nursery manager/childminder?

fruitbrewhaha · 19/05/2017 14:27

I feel like things like this are going to break our relationship .

I think you need to tell him this. Giving you the cold shoulder is not ok. He needs to be able to tell you what he thinks is so bad about your mums grandparenting, and if he cant it's because he is being a rude twat.