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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let my DD spend £50 on a present for her friend?

67 replies

DitheringDiva · 18/05/2017 20:17

My DD, age 12, wants to buy her friend a pair of £50 trainers for her birthday and I think this is way too much money. I tend to think £10-£15 is more appropriate?

BUT my DD has loads of money (about £400) that she's earned from us for doing jobs (she does all the ironing, does all the looking after of the pets etc) or relatives have given her for birthdays/Xmas. She's not a materialistic person at all and never seems to want anything. Although to be fair, we do buy her what she wants within reason. We are fairly well off, but even so, there's never a huge amount she wants.

The friend lives with her Dad who is on benefits, so they have no money. This friend has never had any branded trainers, or any branded anything, I don't think, and my DD just wants to do something for her that will make her happy, and the giving of the present will make my DD happy as well. The poor girl seems to be plagued with health issues as well. I get the impression she has not had the happiest of childhoods so far.

It's more of a WWYD really - my initial thought is that it's far too much money to spend on a friend, and would the friend's Dad be embarrassed? But then, I think, it's her money, I should leave her to do what she wants with it, it doesn't affect me financially at all. I have managed to talk her down from the £100 trainers she was going to buy her friend, but she seems desperate to buy the £50 ones!

OP posts:

Giddyaunt18 · 18/05/2017 22:11

Maybe, your DD could invite this girl over more or include her on days out. It doesn't have to be about a branded item. I'm sure the girl values your DD's friendship more.

RandomMess · 18/05/2017 22:11

I think there is an awful lot of joy in the giving. Yes discuss all the issues with you DD but if she goes ahead I would speak to her friend's Dad and emphasise that your DD has done this because she got the pleasure out of giving her friend something she really wanted.

I will spend £££££££££££££££ on a particular gift because it's "perfect" someone, doesn't happy often but I know they'll adore it, it's a treat etc. it's me who gets the pleasure out of it more than them I reckon. I don't do it to receive back!

MammaTJ · 18/05/2017 22:11

Nearly 12 year old DD*

user1491572121 · 18/05/2017 22:13

The friend's parent might be embarrassed ...frame it like that OP.

NoLoveofMine · 18/05/2017 22:15

I wonder if you could explain to your daughter how thoughtful and kind she's being but that because her friend's dad can't afford to buy her such a present himself, he may feel slightly upset, because parents want to be able to provide for their children (as you do for her) and he'd potentially be sad he couldn't give his daughter such a nice present? If there's a way of framing this emphasising your daughter has done nothing wrong, but why her friend's dad might wish he could give her a similar present himself if he sees her receive them from a friend. Then let her know that being so thoughtful shows how lovely she is, so a slightly lower value present and her friendship would be gifts her friend would cherish.

Rudi44 · 18/05/2017 22:23

Wow your DD sounds lovely, you must be very proud. What about giving her friend a voucher for say £20 for the shop where the trainers could be purchased so she could pick something out herself or save up for the remainder of the money for the trainers. Whatever you decide I think your daughter sounds like a star

Rubies12345 · 18/05/2017 22:30

I would worry that it could make the girl feel uncomfortable.

Maybe something cute and fun rather than flash. A friendship bracelet, a necklace, if they like Harry Potter the new fantastic beasts DVD.

PeaFaceMcgee · 18/05/2017 22:31

My (very poor) parents would have marched with me and the new gift of expensive trainers straight round to the friend's house to find out if they were nicked / return them for being inappropriate.

Really, £15 is the max for 12 year olds. Even a £35 pair is weird and OTT.

Lovely thought of her though, but try to explain how it could be taken the wrong way.

Cantusethatname · 18/05/2017 22:36

Don't let her. I would be mortified if one of my DS's friends gave him something like that. I would feel a bit sick and embarrassed every time I looked at them and it would put me off the child who gave them. Present etiquette (£10 ish) is there for a reason.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 18/05/2017 22:41

Your daughter means the present in the best possible way.

This doesn't mean it'll be interpreted in the best possible way. I once had a friend buy me a quite expensive gift, way more than I ever spent on her, I was really embarrassed. It was just too much and I started to worry for her birthday even though she said it didn't matter. No-one wants to be the 'poor relation' in this situation which isn't like a parent/child but one of equals.

There are some cute personalized necklaces and bracelets online for around £10- she could put a sweet friendship message on one.

QuimReaper · 18/05/2017 22:45

if the girl already knows about it then I'd question why she is OK with it

That's the most cynical thing I've ever read in my life.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/05/2017 22:48

How sad you feel like that cantuse, accept the gift with the good grace it was given. If you can source the cheaper trainers, tgat woukd be fantastic. Your daughter sounds so kind and thoughtful.

starsorwater · 18/05/2017 22:55

Your daughter is a credit to you, but I really would dissuade her. My dd had a friend buy her presents that were well out of our budget and when friend's birthday came round she absolutely agonised over what to give back. And me saying things like, 'probably your present was bought in sales' etc didn't help at all. We solved it, or I thought we had, but later discovered she thought it still wasn't enough and shop lifted something extra ! She wasn't caught and told me afterwards but I was horrified, and so would kind friend have been. If I were you I'd show your daughter this message.

38cody · 18/05/2017 22:56

I think her motives are good but it puts pressure on the family to spend that sort of cash on her when your DD's birthday rolls round. I would explain this to her and get her to spend a reasonable amount. She could always treat her friend to a burger and a milkshake too.
Or, she needs to make out they were hugely discounted and she got them for £20 at an outlet store?

leavethelighton · 18/05/2017 22:56

If there's a group of friends that would be willing to all put in £10 or something towards the shoes as a joint present, this might work. Me and four other friends did this to buy a joint present of Converse for someone's birthday when we were in school. If this isn't possible and the full amount would have to come from her, I wouldn't let her, unless you can come up with a very convincing story for them being cheap. Otherwise it does set up a bit of an imbalance in obligation.

mysteryfairy · 18/05/2017 23:25

Will the dad know how much they cost? My DH would have no idea how much anything of our DD's costs and give it very little thought. Would be exactly the same for anything she gave to or got from a friendi if he noticed at all.

THe gift is from your DD to her friend. She is not tiny. I think you should trust her to judge the situation.

QuimReaper · 19/05/2017 10:16

mystery sounds like the dad is a hard-up single parent though, and if the friend really wants these shoes it seems likely he's looked up the cost and said no.

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