Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let my DD spend £50 on a present for her friend?

67 replies

DitheringDiva · 18/05/2017 20:17

My DD, age 12, wants to buy her friend a pair of £50 trainers for her birthday and I think this is way too much money. I tend to think £10-£15 is more appropriate?

BUT my DD has loads of money (about £400) that she's earned from us for doing jobs (she does all the ironing, does all the looking after of the pets etc) or relatives have given her for birthdays/Xmas. She's not a materialistic person at all and never seems to want anything. Although to be fair, we do buy her what she wants within reason. We are fairly well off, but even so, there's never a huge amount she wants.

The friend lives with her Dad who is on benefits, so they have no money. This friend has never had any branded trainers, or any branded anything, I don't think, and my DD just wants to do something for her that will make her happy, and the giving of the present will make my DD happy as well. The poor girl seems to be plagued with health issues as well. I get the impression she has not had the happiest of childhoods so far.

It's more of a WWYD really - my initial thought is that it's far too much money to spend on a friend, and would the friend's Dad be embarrassed? But then, I think, it's her money, I should leave her to do what she wants with it, it doesn't affect me financially at all. I have managed to talk her down from the £100 trainers she was going to buy her friend, but she seems desperate to buy the £50 ones!

OP posts:
QuimReaper · 18/05/2017 21:01

noits £25 voucher is a dreadful idea, there's hardly any way she'll be able to come up with the rest and she'll feel awful!

kateandme · 18/05/2017 21:02

I'm also aware of making this a big issue means it will or might become one of the things we are all worrying about on here lol.wheras now she might just be seeing it as innocently a lovely thing to do and I don't want to ruin that for your girl coz its so lovely.eeee horribly situation hun.

Katz · 18/05/2017 21:03

Is it adidas superstars she's after for her friend?

I've found a pair on the office website for £35 which is less than the £50

superstars

QuimReaper · 18/05/2017 21:06

This is very lovely of your DD OP. My main concern would be that the friend will feel bad on your DD's birthday and want to return the favour and feel badly that she's unable to.

Also, if you let her go ahead, are you by any chance prepared to lie to the Dad if he asks about the cost, and say you got them half price? I think he might feel badly too if he couldn't afford £50 shoes. £25 is still extravagant for a child but more palatable, especially if you say DD came up with the money herself.

user1492528619 · 18/05/2017 21:11

Your daughter is an absolute credit to you and herself.

If she's adamant she wants to buy her trainers could you both do a bit of sales shopping more in the price regions of what others have said (25/30)

What shoes is she trying to buy? (It's been a while since I was 12, so not exactly down with the kids)

Would anything like this be of interest?
www.office.co.uk/view/product/office_catalog/5,21/2143134184

Original poster
DitheringDiva · 18/05/2017 21:12

Thank you for all the lovely comments about my DD - believe me, she does have her faults, but they are a whole other thread! Although, one possibly relevant fault, is that she doesn't make friends easily - she's a loner basically. Although I think the friend is of a similar character - they initially met in the library where they both seem to spend an awful lot of time, even though they're not allowed to talk in there!

My DD has already had her birthday - I can't remember what this friend bought her, but it would have been in the £10 ish region, maybe less - my DD doesn't care that the friend will never buy her a similar value present.

You've given me some good ideas for talking to her further about the issues surrounding spending so much money, particularly the fact that the girl/her Dad may feel obliged to buy the same amount back - this won't even have crossed her mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
DitheringDiva · 18/05/2017 21:14

Katz it is the adidas superstars - I shall look at those links, thank you.

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 18/05/2017 21:32

Be wary it might set this friend up to expect things from DD or see her as an easy target for money.

I was overly generous with a friend (admittedly a guy i liked) giving them £100 for their 21st birthday, and they changed from trying to let me down gently to suddenly claiming to love me. Cue 2 1/2 years of being financially abused, he had over £1000 out of me in that time split between christmas and birthdays, one time he asked to borrow £300 as his parents were in debt (was true) but his dad refused to accept it, said to give ex my bank details and he'd put it in his account and transfer it back. Ex decided to hold ont o it for a few weeks in case his dad "changed his mind" then when it was about 3 weeks before his birthday announced he was having the £300 as his birthday present. Looking back now im convinced it was that £100 "special" one off birthday present made him think "Hang on, i can use this girl to buy me stuff" and faked an entire relationship for it.

Katz · 18/05/2017 21:35

Ditheringdiva - having a webhunt for some for my DD will let you know if I find any cheaper.

Vrooooom · 18/05/2017 21:41

I would feel very uncomfortable about this and would try and dissuade your DD from spending that much. I think she should stick to £10- £15
Spending that much could be misconstrued by the friend or the friends Dad. If it's going to be given as a surprise then that could end up being very awkward and if the girl already knows about it then I'd question why she is OK with it. IYSWIM

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 18/05/2017 21:45

Goodness me. What a beautiful kind considerate selfless young girl you've been blessed with.
I think its absolutely lovely what she wants to do for her friend.
YWBVU to stop her.

beehive74 · 18/05/2017 21:45

I think I would try and talk her out of it. I have had a similar experience with my 10 year old DD. Her ex best friend is living with her dad after being removed from her mother.. the father struggles to afford the basics. So on her birthday DD decided to buy her (with her own savings) a special book, numerous little toys, stationary etc.. She filled a gift bag with things. Unfortuntately, when DD birthday came around it her best friend started being very mean to her and excluding her from things etc. My DD had a horrendous month. Turned out it was because she knew she couldn't buy her anything. In the end she gave her one of her old teddy bears and apologised for being mean... DD accepted present and apology but then a month later when DD took something in for another girls birthday this best friend had a go at her and demanded she bought her the same present too. It's led to over a year of stress for DD and a lot of tears. She has finally found new friends but still has ongoing issues with the original child. It can create jealousy, guilt, shame etc. I would stick a limit on and say that her friendship means more than a pair of trainers.

Original poster
DitheringDiva · 18/05/2017 21:52

quimreaper I would definitely be prepared to say we got them half-price. I just need to convince my DD...

Katz I think the girl is only a size 3, so might be able to get them cheaper with them being a children's size (are children's shoes cheaper because they're not taxed?)

OP posts:
onceandneveragain · 18/05/2017 21:53

aw I think it's a lovely idea. Really good friendships don't have to be on exactly equal terms all the time - it's the give and take and recognition that different people have different strengths/weaknesses, or gifts/struggles that make people such good matches. So your dd might be able to afford to spend more money on a present, but the other girl might help your dd more with her homework (just an example). When I was younger I was never allowed more than one friend to stay over, whereas my friend was allowed multiple sleepovers - probably a more valuable 'social currency,' than actual currency! Your daughter can give more in this one aspect of the friendship but the other girl might 'compensate' for lack of a better term, in other ways.

Second the suggestion about looking to buy them cheaper if possible - I have small feet so bought a pair of size 4 Stan Smith's from the boy's department of Schuh that were £38 compared to the £62 for the same colour/style for women's size 4's. If you do spend more than £25 I would suggest that your dd tells the friend she has a cousin who gets staff discount/you had a coupon for a reduction anyway, so she/her dad don't feel bad.

RockinHippy · 18/05/2017 21:55

Your DD sounds wonderful. Let her do this for her friend

Katz · 18/05/2017 21:57

Cheapest I've found is the £35 office ones so far. The kids ones seem to be more expensive because they're not in the sale.

elephantscansing · 18/05/2017 22:05

I got fake adidas superstars for dd on eBay - there are hundreds of companies selling them. Might this be a compromise? (Leaving out issues of piracy, copyright and ethics...)

Giddyaunt18 · 18/05/2017 22:08

It's a very kind thought and at that age that's all your DD can see. Personal pride is probably not something she has considered and I agree that the dad might be embarrassed. Would it be possible for you to speak with her dad and explain what your DD would like to do? Then you could sound him out, he might well be very grateful

Vrooooom · 18/05/2017 22:09

I would definitely be prepared to say we got them half-price. I just need to convince my DD.

This doesn't sit right with me at all. It's also possible that it might go wrong, say if they don't fit or need to be returned. It also feels a bit patronizing or something - I know that's not the right word but it just feels wrong. It might come across that your DD pities her.

Not sure I'm explaining it well...... I know your DDs intentions are good but I feel this is dodgey territory. If you stick to a normally priced present then I'm sure the girl will still enjoy and appreciate it.

jarhead123 · 18/05/2017 22:09

Your DD sounds lovely.

Tricky one, I think if the other girl & her dad knew it was a one off, meant a lot to your DD to do and that she doesn't expect the same kind of gift back, then she should do it :)

Elianna · 18/05/2017 22:09

As lovely as your DD is, I'd really discourage it, I don't think this will end well. Friend's dad may feel a bit offended, as in you see the family as a charity case or DD's friend maybe start taking advantage. There's also the pressure on DD's friend to purchase gifts of a similar value, as mentioned by other posters.

NoLoveofMine · 18/05/2017 22:09

She's 12, has worked to earn money already and wants to spend a significant amount of money much of which she's made for herself on a present for a friend. She sounds fantastic. I can understand the concern regarding what her friend's dad might feel but wanted to say how kind your daughter is.

Vrooooom · 18/05/2017 22:09

Would it be possible for you to speak with her dad and explain what your DD would like to do?

Sorry but I think this is a terrible idea.

MammaTJ · 18/05/2017 22:10

I have a nearly 11 year old DD. We are not well off. If my DD appeared with a present worth £50 from one of her friends I would be grateful but not feel comfortable with it at all.

If I had a friendship with the parents, it would help. I would at least be able to ask why they did this. I would check it was ok. I would be able to fish as to whether the same was expected back, and would be uncomfortable until I felt sure it was not.

Your DD is lovely. Her intentions are clearly the best.

The out come might not be!