Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to start resenting my husband?

78 replies

user1495042595 · 17/05/2017 18:44

I don't know whether I'm being a moody cow or whether he's just a lazy arse.

I've lived with him for 6 years now (married last year) and I'm just seriously starting to hate him. He does absolutely NOTHING around the house and if I ask he throws a tantrum like a kid. We've gone round in circles over him helping me out with housework and eventually (maybe once a month) he'll get the hoover out or wash some dishes - but only if I nag. I do everything else, including cooking, cleaning, whatever else. I've tried stopping doing everything but the house just gets unbearable - I've never met someone who can live in such a pit. If I stop doing his washing he'll eventually get round to putting a washload of his stuff in. Eventually.

His excuse is he has a manual job - so he's tired at the end of the day. However, I'm the main breadwinner and work 10+ hour days myself running a successful business. My job is mentally exhausting and the last thing I want to do is cook and clean either.

It's getting to the point where I'm starting to feel hatred towards him, because I'm so stressed out about juggling everything or living in a pit with takeaways and ready meals as I'm too exhausted myself.

So AIBU to start resenting him for being a lazy git? And can I ship him back to his mums to do all his cooking and cleaning for him?!

OP posts:
ParadiseCity · 17/05/2017 19:42

Resenting him sounds very mild!

JaniceBattersby · 17/05/2017 19:43

He is doing something that makes your life a misery that he could easily prevent. Would you treat him, or indee any other human, with the same contempt?

My husband cleaned our old neighbour's car the other day because she's got arthritis. We don't even know her that well. Your husband can't even be arsed to wash the pots for you. Get rid, and find someone who will.

iloveruby · 17/05/2017 19:45

My ex of 5 years sounds exactly like this. His house could have been on 'how clean is your house', it is vile. Empty good packets with mould on the counters, piles of clothes everywhere, used tissues, clumps of hair from his hairbrush, no clean plates, thick with dust, dog piss, I lived with him and no matter what I tried nothing improved it. It definitely contributed to my depression.

Mummmy2017 · 17/05/2017 19:46

You already know the truth, he won't change.

Sit him down and tell him he is not a child, you work as well, tell him to change or your off.

I too hope you have no children....

you deserve better than this.

Forris · 17/05/2017 19:47

You have been with him for 5 years!!!

You spoilt him

and now you want him to change

all the best on that one, really, its going to take a sharpe shock to get him to change.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 17/05/2017 19:48

Send him back to his Mother's then file the divorce papers. Surely you can't carry on living with such a lazy, filthy git!

I get tired, I get exhausted. I have a couple of health issues that wipe me out, but you crack on with at least the bare essentials. He's not the only person in the world with a manual job, does he think he's something special?

Bluebellwoods123 · 17/05/2017 19:54

If you are just looking at ways of minimising the amount of housework you do ( rather than leaving him) , get a cleaner who will also do washing and ironing and either buy food that is easier to prepare or batch cook. Ask/tell him to financially contribute to the extra cost of hiring someone to essentially do his share of the housework by doing overtime at work, you should not have to do all the housework or pay for the cleaner all yourself.

TigerDragonMonkey · 17/05/2017 19:55

I'm assuming that he must have some redeeming features or the OP won't have married him, so I'm suggesting it might take treating him like a child to make him realise he's acting like a child and give him the chance to man up.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 17/05/2017 19:56

YANBU. I get pissed off enough at having to point out shit like DDs hair needs brushing, grass needs cutting, towels need changing and having to make every single decision ever. I couldn't live like you do. He is a lazy twat who won't change. Also confused how you didn't know this in the 5 years before you got married.

Bluntness100 · 17/05/2017 19:58

I don't really understand. Did you not live together before you got married?

If you didn't and you've just leaned who he is, no you're not being unreasonable, but if uou lived with this shit for years beforehand and married him anyway, then I'm not sure it's unreasonable more just simply ridiculous,

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 17/05/2017 20:07

He'll drain you OP, tell him to jog on ....

eddielizzard · 17/05/2017 20:10

because you're sure that he's secretly perfect inside and you're just trying to find the right thing that will unlock all his tidying magicness. Hmm

it's not going to change. this is who he is. imagine if you had kids, you were still the main breadwinner, you still did all the housework AND sorting out the kids. this is your future if you stay with him. you'll turn into a nagging banshee.

you've married a child. what are you going to do?

MissShittyBennet · 17/05/2017 20:12

You are in a legally binding contract that will tie you to any debts and bad credit ratings he runs up.

Not true re debts and bad credit. Marriage in itself doesn't do that. If you have joint assets with a person such as a mortgage, yes obviously them not paying and even them having a poor credit record could impact on you. But that would also be true if they were cohabiting. It's possible for debts to be considered when dividing marital assets, which obviously isn't true of cohabitation, but it's not automatic and not all marriages have assets.

Still though, yes LTB. Certainly no (more) kids.

Joey7t8 · 17/05/2017 20:17

He sounds like a bit of a tit, but I can't have too much sympathy - you married him!

Witchitywoo · 17/05/2017 20:20

Wish mumsnet had been around when I got married years ago. Cos if I'd asked that question then maybe I'd have thought long and hard about the answers I got. Sweetie, he ain't EVER going to change. Mine didn't and he's now EX! He was exactly like your DH. Did sweet FA cos he thought it was a woman's job. I had 2 kids with him and ended up doing everything. He couldn't even put the bins out in the morning once a week. He's still the same even though he's living on his own. He has a cleaner and someone to iron for him as he's too lazy to do anything. And he uses the excuse that he's too tired of an evening to do anything!! Seriously, LTB. It will not improve!

twattymctwatterson · 17/05/2017 20:26

Ltb. He's a man child and your life will only get worse when you have kids

Writerwannabe83 · 17/05/2017 20:28

I'd have left him a LONG time ago!!!

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 17/05/2017 20:29

Why the suggestions to send him back to his Mother? Why should she have to deal with his laziness? Even if she enabled it when he was at home, he's an adult now and responsible for his own actions.

Let him fend for himself.

manueltowers · 17/05/2017 20:32

Your fault for marrying him, really. You knew exactly what he was like.

DameDeDoubtance · 17/05/2017 20:37

He sounds dreadful, maybe time to rethink your relationship. what are you getting out of this?

icelollycraving · 17/05/2017 20:42

Sorry not been on since I suggedteda cleaner. He sounds like s twat and sounds like life is pretty bloody miserable and stressful. Unless there is a huge drip feed that he is 17 (unlikely!) just get rid,it won't get better. Poor you.

blerp · 17/05/2017 20:44

If he's too tired to pull his weight with the housework he can hire a cleaner to do his bit, or hire one to do it all and split the cost.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/05/2017 20:57

This has NOTHING to do with cleaning. It has everything to do with the fact that he thinks he's superior to you.

Ethylred · 17/05/2017 21:27

It's the tantrums that appall me the most. Unforgivable in an adult.

StrangeLookingParasite · 17/05/2017 22:19

There is NO solving this. This is who he is. You thought he'd change. You were wrong. He will fuck up your life even more, fuck up your finances, make it all a misery. Do not have children with him or think any further than to hire a solicitor and petition for divorce. Send him back to his mother's. She made him like this, she can deal with him. Just stop wasting your time.

What she said.

What I'm trying to communicate to my son is every time you say 'I don't want to' about some unwanted task, you're essentially telling someone else 'you do it'. This is not OK.

Swipe left for the next trending thread