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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU so cross with DH

38 replies

catsatonthemat · 17/05/2017 17:54

Arghh I'm offloading and can't think straight and can't tell if iabu.

Two kids, one husband. Been at home 6 years. Been self employed to work around the kids but earned nothing so really only working to keep myself active. I recently mentioned returning to work and wanting to be employed etc and all I get from my DH is 'as long as it fits around the family needs' and 'the children are your first priority'. I get that logistics need to be sorted but why is it automatically my responsibility? Of course my kids are my main priority but that doesn't mean I can't work as well. Just feeling a bit shit about it. Have always supported DH in his career. I never get a 'we will make it work' supportive comment when I mention jobs or retraining etc.

I just feel like he wants me to be a sahm and a housewife. I love being at home with the kids, I hate housework and I see nothing wrong with planning to get a job. Yes I am aware that the kids may need childcare etc and it'll be down to me to sort.

OP posts:
Tazerface · 17/05/2017 17:58

YANBU.

I'd be really cross too. Ask him why they're your first priority but not his - when he says they are his first priority, as why then it's always your responsibility if the children are equally yours?

SpiritedLondon · 17/05/2017 17:58

He's got used to you dealing with all the childcare and household matters and decided that they will remain your responsibility. I presume that he was there at the conception in which case he can wind his neck in and be a little bit more supportive. I would be annoyed too. YAMNU

SpiritedLondon · 17/05/2017 17:59

Oops typing fail. YANBU.

TheHiphopopotamus · 17/05/2017 18:01

Yanbu

A job for me is ok so long as it doesn't impinge on him. Fuck that.

You are entitled to a career as much as he is. And as the children belong to both of you, it should be up to both of you to sort childcare, not just you.

TheHiphopopotamus · 17/05/2017 18:01

*YOU, not me.

aintnothinbutagstring · 17/05/2017 18:03

Just ignore him and go about finding a job that suits you? Childcare should be both of your responsibility, but I know in reality the woman is often the default carer and the one who stays off when child is ill. I work part time but do nights so I can be around to do the school runs, dh has to play mother if I'm doing weekends, childcare should be a team effort.

aintnothinbutagstring · 17/05/2017 18:05

You are more than mother and housekeeper you know, happy job hunting Flowers

MissionItsPossible · 17/05/2017 18:09

Erm, why would it be down to you to sort the childcare? It would be down to both of you if they are both your kids.

LedaP · 17/05/2017 18:09

Have you actually discussed this?

If you were giving up work you would talk about it. Why not the other way round?

Its obviously going to be your decision and you dont need to ask permission to work. But it sounds very much like you have announced everything is going to change and thats the end of it no discussion about how things will change, what will work best for all of you, what flexibility his job could offer etc.

MissionItsPossible · 17/05/2017 18:10

Actually you refer to the kids in your post as "my kids" and then later "the kids" so not sure if they are his too?

museumum · 17/05/2017 18:15

That would drive me mad. My dh respects my career despite the fact I earn less than him (it's a different sector not that I'm less qualified).
If he's had six years of not having to worry at all about parental responsibilities then he's had it lucky. If you want to work he will need to make some compromises and why wouldn't he?

Original poster
catsatonthemat · 17/05/2017 18:19

Oops yes he is their kids too Mission.

We have been discussing this a while. When I first mentioned it he said 'as long as it works around my job and the kids'. When I've been actively looking and mention childcare being a bit of a challenge (no local childminders but options to explore) I just get told 'well that answers that then'. Today's discussion was me asking his opinion on me getting work experience of some sort or looking at training courses. Once again all I got was 'as long as it fits around the children and our family life, the kids are your priority'

I just have images of both kids being at school in years to come and me sat at home twiddling my thumbs and feeling unemployable Hmm

OP posts:
thekeyboard · 17/05/2017 18:23

catsat - I kind of have the same situation with my DH. He doesn't seem to want to engage in any discussion about me going back to work and never has. He tells me I'm already doing the "most important job in the world" and why stress myself out? Our DC are now 14, 12 and 9, so it's been a long time. I'm not even sure I want to return anyway, or is it more that I just feel as if I should, but maybe that's because it's so hard to envisage and I don't know where to start.
Do you know what you want to do? Maybe research it and then present your DH with the facts. If you talk in vague terms, it's easy for him to dismiss it. My DH is too used to having me around and has no concept having to work around me or the kids.

NoLoveofMine · 17/05/2017 18:23

Why aren't the children his first priority? Why should anything you do work around his job? Why shouldn't his job work around yours? You're being proactive and exploring your options knowing you'd like to work and he's not only trying to discourage you but trying to make you feel guilty for doing so and implying you have to fit in around him, whilst he makes no sacrifices and prioritises his career.

NoLoveofMine · 17/05/2017 18:24

If he thinks parents who work aren't seeing their children as their first priority I presume he admits his children aren't prioritised by him?

museumum · 17/05/2017 18:25

You need to tell him that you won't be able to find a job that slots in perfectly to your family life the way it is right now.
But there will be jobs that you can make work as a family.
Does he want to be the sole breadwinner forever? Does he think you can take 18yrs+ out and jump back in to employment? And also, why shouldn't you have a career too just because you are a mother?

LedaP · 17/05/2017 18:29

When I've been actively looking and mention childcare being a bit of a challenge (no local childminders but options to explore) I just get told 'well that answers that then'. Today's discussion was me asking his opinion on me getting work experience of some sort or looking at training courses. Once again all I got was 'as long as it fits around the children and our family life, the kids are your priority'

And what does he say when you say 'yes but with your doing half of it, it will work'

He isnt going to pick up on your hints so spell it out or keep getting annoyed.

Is he always like this? Acts like the kids are just yours and not half his?

picklemepopcorn · 17/05/2017 18:31

YANBU. It may be though, that he thinks he is being nice. He's assuring you that you don't need to work, or feel pressured to fit everything in. You may need to be a bit clearer- I need more in my life than running around after you lot. I don't want to be dependent on your income forever and lose my skills, I'm going to get a job, what are you going to do to help?

IJustLostTheGame · 17/05/2017 18:35

Tell him to fuck off back to the 1950s where his ideas came from in the first place.

NoSquirrels · 17/05/2017 18:38

Well YANBU - his phrasing suggests he's an arse. However, of course things would have to change for everyone if you got a job outside the home, and generally most workers are not thrilled at their comfortable working conditions and perks getting downgraded - but as he's not your boss, or in a union that can lobby for his position, he'll have to negotiate with you Grin

Only you know if he's really a total arse who's stuck in 1950s misogyny or just clueless to how you really feel and resistant to change.

DameDeDoubtance · 17/05/2017 18:42

They are his kids and just as much his responsibility as yours. he is sexist and old fashioned and needs to change. You are a human being not a household appliance!

Jackiebrambles · 17/05/2017 18:43

Grrrr, he's definitely being an arse. Tell him that his job will now need to fit in round yours. Prat.

Elphaba99 · 17/05/2017 18:45

Ooh, mansplaining and telling you what YOUR first priority is? 👎 That would piss me off for starters. Did you say to him "No, the kids are OUR first priority, not mine you patronising twat

BluePeppers · 17/05/2017 18:48

You need more discussion there.
No reason why yoUr job should fit around his job for example. Or fit around the dcs.
That would mean that only jobs that are school term, schools hours would be workable. Or weekends (but insusoect there is no way he would look after the dcs all on his own whilst you go working....).

You need to make it clear that not working isn't an option for yOU. Maybe mention pensions, savings and what will your u be bale to do once the dcs are in secondary/left home.

dangermouseisace · 17/05/2017 18:50

YADNBU. He is being a sexist pig. Why do you have to be the only one to fit your career around family life? He's 50% responsible for them!

I'd be wary that if you do get a job, with that sort of attitude he may find ways of putting up other 'barriers' to you being employed (happened here).

Having a job is a welcome break from childcare, earns some money and will help your self esteem. I'd tell him tough shit, you ARE getting a job. Other parents manage it, single mothers manage it, as a family you can definitely manage it.

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