AIBU so cross with DH

[catsatonthemat]

Arghh I'm offloading and can't think straight and can't tell if iabu.

Two kids, one husband. Been at home 6 years. Been self employed to work around the kids but earned nothing so really only working to keep myself active. I recently mentioned returning to work and wanting to be employed etc and all I get from my DH is 'as long as it fits around the family needs' and 'the children are your first priority'. I get that logistics need to be sorted but why is it automatically my responsibility? Of course my kids are my main priority but that doesn't mean I can't work as well. Just feeling a bit shit about it. Have always supported DH in his career. I never get a 'we will make it work' supportive comment when I mention jobs or retraining etc.

I just feel like he wants me to be a sahm and a housewife. I love being at home with the kids, I hate housework and I see nothing wrong with planning to get a job. Yes I am aware that the kids may need childcare etc and it'll be down to me to sort.

Remind him it is 2017 not 1817.

Jesus christ he sounds stuck in the 50s. Tell him if his kids are 'his first priority', why doesn't he stay at home with them?

Yabu. Unless you're proposing to become the main breadwinner. I've been the full time wage earner in out family for seven years. Dh (self employed) has been at home with dd (5) from when she was born and now around school times. The fact is, whatever work he does needs to fit around the family because his earnings can't keep the roof over our heads and mine (salaried) does. Personally I'd love to be a sahp but for as long as I am the bred winner then that's how it has to be.

YANBU.

Stand your ground!!

As long as he's the main bread winner I don't think it's unreasonable for you to be the main provider of childcare. If you are going to be earning similar to him, then he will have to step up and assist in either spending less time at work or getting outside help.

And I would say the same if roles were reversed.

"Main breadwinner" does not mean = boss of everything.

If the OP wants to work and earn more, there should be a family discussion around what flexibility can or cannot be achieved to allow this - what adjustments can be made to the status quo to make things work for everyone in the family.

It's ludicrous to say if you're "the main breadwinner" all arrangements must leave your life gloriously undisturbed.

I think YABabitU - you need to sit down and have a proper discussion because I can see his point - I assume you discussed you becoming a SAHP and him being the main breadwinner when you became a SAHP and that has been the norm for the last 6 years so you should also be sitting down to have a proper discussion before you go back to work.

You need to work out what job it is you want to go into, what hours you'd do, whether it would affect any tax credits/child benefits you get (if applicable), how that would affect childcare and whether your DH would have to adjust his work schedule, which is not a discussion to be had on a whim or without everyone being in agreement.

If you want to go back to work then that's your choice, but if (for the sake of argument) your job brought in an extra £300 a week but your DH lost £100 because he'd had to reduce/change his hours to accommodate needing to pick up the kids one of the days you have a late shift and then you have to pay £150 for a childminder/nursery then whilst you're back working and you are £50 better off, is that £50 really worth all the change its required?

If however, you could get a part time job within school hours and could use free childcare (you don't say how old your kids but you became a SAHP 6 years ago so I assume at least one is in school and I'm working on the assumption that the other child would qualify for at least some free childcare hours) to cover most, if not all of your work hours, then your family would be better off financially and it would be worth it without both you and DH having to entirely change everything.

He's just using you really. Sexist prick. Does he not see that you have value, needs, etc. beyond doing his share of the house and kids?

OP I understand where you are coming from. My dh is supportive however took a new job I didnt want him to where he went from 2 days working from home to working away 4 nights a week.

Yes it was more money however life isnt about money, its about work life balance.

If he doesnt support you in this I would be pushing him hard to give him a clear choice , what is best for your family? If I work we come close to making a loss however it is truly worth it long term .

I have been "forced" into being a temp SAHM due to dh travelling for work and with 3 dc 2-7 with additional needs and no close family I find it really difficult.

While I dont enjoy my job, very stressful manager role part time which doesnt work part time , I earn pro rata very close to DH but I cannot work the shifts without us even having even 1 hour together as a family as we would be working opposite shifts.

I am currently looking for a job doing nights or school hours and DH cannot do any pick ups due to his hours. I may yet divorce him over the flex working not being pushed as I work in hr and his work dont have a leg to stand on to meet his request 1 day a week but thats another thread!

Thank you mn'ers. We sat down and had a big chat last night. He conceded what he said sounded awful but explained it wasn't what he actually meant. He had just expressed himself badly. We now have a plan and a way forward. Thanks again.

Great news! Good luck with your job search.

Of course YANBU but there's no harm in selling him the idea of your returning to work. More money, more fun, that kind of thing.

Glad it seems to have sorted itself out OP. Happy job hunting! :)