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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to send dd to a school as a teacher there is constantly comparing her dd to mine

42 replies

ilikespaghetti · 17/05/2017 09:36

Hi there, while on mat leave I became friends with a lady whose dd was the same age as mine, this lady teaches at the primary we were going to send dd to. However this lady has also been very competitve with the girls from the word go, my dd is very clever (according to pre-school) with a big vocabulary & is very confident. Her dd is shyer & also a very clever little girl. This lady constantly boasts about what her dd can do (mine does the same), reprimands my dd if she ever gets a chance & says "now Lucy (not her dd's name) we never do that do we, we're always kind".... She is very pushy with her dd & gives out about any other kids she deems to be a threat (her daughter is in alot of musicals,plays etc) I am now thinking we can't send dd to the school she teaches in as firstly her dd will be priority & secondly if she keeps putting down my dd & others to boost her daughter that would be terrible for dd's confidence (& she has alot of it at the moment which is great & I want teachers who can nurture this)... Advice please & sorry if it's a bit rambling....

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 17/05/2017 09:39

Have you applied already? If not, I'd choose somewhere else unless it's massively inconvenient.

If you have, then perhaps you could have a word with the head about if it would be possible to have a different class. You don't have to detail why.. She can't be like that with every child though... would her own child be in her class? Doubtful.

GloGirl · 17/05/2017 09:39

She sounds really obnoxious but I'd absolutely put my child in the school that suited their needs and our family first before letting one person's flaws above that. Really she won't have that much interaction and I presume if her daughter will be going to same school your child will be in the same class and therefore won't even be taught by her.

Original poster

ilikespaghetti · 17/05/2017 09:49

Thanks for the replies, no it's for next year, the girls will be in the same school unsure about classes however she is very cliquey with the teachers & I'm sure she will be gunning for her own child to be "top child" in the school (not that that bothers me at all!!) but I do feel it would be to the detriment of other kids. At playdates at her house my dd can't pick what she'd like to play with she insists all play is dicated by her daughter...
They are in some of the same activities & she complains if her dd isn't in the front row etc.... Her dd has poor social skills as her mom (who is returning to work the year her dd starts school) didn't put her in nursery/preschool as she wanted to homeschool her & she was so far ahead of all the other kids it would be of no benefit to her apparently.
She really does see my dd as a threat (as well as some other kids in the activities) & I just go out of my way to avoid her, my dd is a nice well behaved confident girl who like all little ones has the odd moan or strop, I don't like the way it's blown out of proportion & she's made to look (& feel) like a bold child...

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Original poster

ilikespaghetti · 17/05/2017 09:57

Also I feel that as she is very much in with all the teaching staff she will be pushing for advantages for her dd...

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CousinChloe · 17/05/2017 10:07

I have seen problems where a teacher's child is at their school, when the teacher has been their form teacher. Is that likely to happen at this school do you think? I'd guess she wouldn't teach her DD's class if possible?

scurryfunge · 17/05/2017 10:09

Her colleagues will soon tire of her. They will see right through her.

Original poster

ilikespaghetti · 17/05/2017 10:14

Yes without outing myself yes it's very possible the two girls will be in the same class...

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purplecollar · 17/05/2017 10:37

I wouldn't factor this into my decision myself. You get competitive parents whichever school you choose, who push for advantages of their dc.

IME teachers tend to underplay their own dc, for fear of being accused of favouritism/being unprofessional. They aren't allowed to teach their own dc at our school.

Is it a particularly small school? Ours has an intake of 60. There are a couple of women I knew from toddler groups who do compare, but my dc have rarely come into much contact with their dc, let alone lost out on something to their advantage. It settles down as they get a bit older I think when everybody knows where their dc sits in the grand scheme of things.

They all have strengths and weaknesses. Dd's friend from antenatal class is exceptionally bright, but oversensitive, lacks resilience, not so good at sports or art. Dd is shy and reasonably bright, has the hide of an elephant, is good at some sports, great at art. I don't really care what her friend is doing - we probably won't know them in a few years' time. They both get opportunities to shine at school.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 17/05/2017 10:42

I think this is a fuss over nothing. There are always pushy parents. What makes you think this school can't cope with that. You also sound a bit locked into the competitiveness by this other mum, just side-step it, don't engage with it, don't take any notice of her and put your dd where seems to suit her best.

You are honestly giving this mum too much power.

PerspicaciaTick · 17/05/2017 10:44

her daughter is in alot of musicals,plays etc - at three years old? That is insane.

purplecollar · 17/05/2017 10:49

If it is about performing, there was probably one play a year at our primary. And they were designed to give as many as possible a small speaking part.

spaghettithrower · 17/05/2017 11:04

She sounds like a bit of a nightmare but she might be completely different in the work situation. If she is seen to be pushing her daughter at the expense of others in the school I would imagine the headteacher would deal with it.
If there are two parallel classes you could request that your daughter goes into a different class to the other girl. Schools are used to getting requests like this.
If not, then they would be in the same class and if it is a single form entry school your daughter would be taught by this woman at some point.
However, I wouldn't choose a different school just because of this. There are women like this in every school and I think you have to learn to deal with it /ignore it.
If you send her to another school to avoid this woman and her daughter you may find there are 5 mothers and daughters in your child's class in the new school, you just don't know them yet!

Original poster

ilikespaghetti · 17/05/2017 11:06

Thanks guys, I'm not really locked into the competition at all as I know dd is doing fine, I just don't understand the need for her to constantly have to make out that her dd is better than all the other kids (too intelligent for preschool!!) & to try & bring down other kids... She's a teacher she should know all kids are different!! I understand she is extremely invested in her dd who is an only child however I doubt that she will switch off when she starts school, knowing this woman it will send her into overdrive.....

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Dianneabbottsmathsteacher · 17/05/2017 11:08

Don't think a teacher or TA are allowed to teach their own kids at primary age are they? Wasn't allowed in our authority.

I agree with Foureyes

Original poster

ilikespaghetti · 17/05/2017 11:44

I'm not entirely sure, it's a small state school... However tbh I don't really like the lady around my dd (it's just the constant watching/listening & reprimanding when she gets the chance) or other kids... Kids playing outside dance before class starts & she's like "lucy you need to sit on your chair like mummy, those kids don't listen to theirs". All kids play before the teacher calls them into class, hers is the odd one out but in her eyes "the best behaved"....

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Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 17/05/2017 11:47

I don't see how you could manage that for years to come!!
Kids sometimes dread the school day ahead but the dps shouldn't!!
Another school for def.
I do know a woman who was in similar circumstances. . The teacher was a head tho!!

Original poster

ilikespaghetti · 17/05/2017 11:55

Well that's it Flapjacks, my dd has a ton of confidence & is very sociable & chatty, it's a good asset to have & I don't want that knocked out of her & this lady seems to try & put her down where possible, that's in front of me, god knows what she'd be like if I'm not there. As I said up thread it's not just my dd, it's any child she thinks is on a par with her dd....

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Original poster

ilikespaghetti · 17/05/2017 15:31

I have asked a friend who is a teacher & apparently it is quite possible her daughter will be in her class...

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Original poster

ilikespaghetti · 17/05/2017 21:06

Just bumping this up to see if anyone else would like to offer an opinion, dh & I have been discussing all evening & are still at a loss as to what to do...

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Hia3 · 17/05/2017 22:06

You are obviously worrying .
So if you have the option of another local primary - chose that option.

You sound like you wouldn't be happy if she ended up being your daughters teacher, so probably best to chose another school.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 17/05/2017 22:09

How does she know she'll be going back to work in that school when her daughter status? Surely schools don't let you take 4 years off and keep a job open for you!

Starlight2345 · 17/05/2017 22:16

What are the other close by options?

Have you visited those schools?

Either way I would be avoiding play dates with this woman.

Name15 · 17/05/2017 22:35

I had a similar situation. My psychics teacher had a daughter (Sarah) in my class, and she was the golden student as far as her mother was concerned.

At parents evening, my teacher kept saying:
"well she's really struggling, she's not at Sarah's level"
"if she could be more like Sarah when she revises, it'll really help her"

My mum said to her "well Sarah's not my daughter, so I don't give a fuck" and FLOUNCED right out of parent's evening.

I felt very justified but God did that teacher hate me after that. Went as far as telling me, before my GCSE exam, "oh you'll fail I know it because you can't revise"

honeylulu · 17/05/2017 22:38

Name please tell me you passed?!?

GrumbleBumble · 17/05/2017 22:41

Hmmmm before you apply for a school place go and view all the options and decide which one you think will be best for your child. This woman may want to go back to work when her child starts school but if she hasn't been working there for four years (which "going back to work when her daughter starts school" and the fact that she has not had her child in nursery) implies then there is no guarantee that there will be a teaching vacancy at the school let alone that this woman would get the job if there was. Unless she currently teaches at the school or is on maternity leave for a second child she can't assume she will get a job there so don't dismiss the school on the grounds that this person would like a join there.

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