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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I ask why this guy is mad at me?

56 replies

AteRiri · 16/05/2017 10:55

We have a group project in uni, and during a Skype discussion, I raised a point that was contrary to what this other guy was saying. My other groupmates agreed with me, and the guy basically became silent the remainder of the meeting.

I thought nothing of it, and then this afternoon, during another meeting (face-to-face) he was throwing major shade at me.

I can only trace it back to me contradicting him because I don't have any other contact with him other than at school.

Do I ask him why he's mad at me? Would you?

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 16/05/2017 12:31

You absolutely should not ask why he is mad at you - I can't make that point strongly enough.

You could challenge him for being rude to you. If you knew him well, you might be able to make a joke of it as a way of re-engaging him with the work. I probably wouldn't though, especially if you don't know how he'll respond. Bad behaviour speaks for itself and is there for all to see. Engaging with it can lower you to its level, imply fault on your part where there is none and will waste your precious time. Direct your time and energy to completing the task with your team, constructively, pleasantly and well. Keep the opportunity open for him to participate.

He can choose to join in or not, apologise for his petulance, or not. Everyone in your group will know where they stand with him.

'Why' isn't a question here , is it. We, you, all know why. He can't handle being disagreed with.

(Not unusual for someone academically strong, who's a bit too used to being told he's wonderful, hasn't been exposed to group work before, so isn't used to being challenged by equally strong peers. All part of the university experience).

His inability to cope with disagreement is his problem - and one he needs to work through himself, if he's to survive the course, or any workplace.

Don't make yourself his help-meet, seek to comfort him or tend to his bruised ego. That is how a naive 'why', with the impression that you care about the answer would come across (if not pitched as a challenge to rudeness). That would be counterproductive for both of you. You both need to learn and grow from this, perfectly normal, experience.

You're at university to learn about whatever you're studying. Good teamwork and leadership is certainly part of that and will assist future employability. You are not there to learn to salve the egos or mop the brows of your peers. There is a difference.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/05/2017 12:38

Love 'throwing shade' btw - my mental image combines it with 'throwing shapes', so he's struck an unfriendly pose, in order to put you in the shade, possibly with a cloak...

CruCru · 16/05/2017 12:58

He sounds quite immature. It isn't your job to make him like you.

This is actually quite a good preparation for being assertive during work projects. If he carries on being unpleasant then raise it (in a factual, unemotional way) during the group discussion - say that you think it's important that he moves on, otherwise the project is getting pushed off course.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 16/05/2017 13:01

How about you hear him out and let others say what they think instead of you shutting him down every time?

Sexstarvedredhead · 16/05/2017 13:02

If you're at uni that could literally be the first time he's been in group work and not been leading. Ignore he has new skills to learn, you can't help him.

AteRiri · 16/05/2017 13:05

How about you hear him out and let others say what they think instead of you shutting him down every time?

Where did you get this?

OP posts:
hackmum · 16/05/2017 13:05

I thought "throwing shade" could mean either "ignore completely" or "be rude towards". Turns out, according to the Urban dictionary, it means "to talk trash about a friend or acquaintance, to publicly denounce or disrespect".

So a slightly different shade (ha) of meaning.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 16/05/2017 13:07

Ate I'm just looking at it from a potential different view

VeryButchyRestingFace · 16/05/2017 13:08

How about you hear him out and let others say what they think instead of you shutting him down every time?

OP, I think your adversary (or his girlf) has turned up on this thread. Grin

Cabin crew, man the doors!

AteRiri · 16/05/2017 13:10

Yeah, he confronted me this afternoon for not doing the research on the topic I contradicted and the rest of the group agreed was not the important thing to focus on. (I actually did my research but came to the conclusion that it really was not important, so that's what I wrote, and I shared the document with them last night but I guess he did not want to acknowledge that).

All the while, he was looking at me like he was going to attack me with sharp claws or something. It was very weird. We were ok prior to this incident.

OP posts:
AteRiri · 16/05/2017 13:11

Ate I'm just looking at it from a potential different view

Yes but how did you arrive at this conclusion that I was shutting him down every time? It was my first time to disagree with him.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 16/05/2017 13:14

Sounds like in his world, men are superior to females or he should always be right or something. Ignore him, move on and avoid him for future project work. I wouldn't confront him, he'll only deny it and use the opportunity to make you look paranoid.

CruCru · 16/05/2017 13:15

I find people asking how old the OP is a bit strange. Why does it matter? From her wording, I have assumed that she is in her late teens or early twenties.

It's good that younger people come on here. Otherwise it's just middle aged women (like me) moaning about parking spaces.

BluePeppers · 16/05/2017 13:15

I'm winding why he is so angry at you but not at the others when they have agreed with you?

If he is making any comment again, just remind him thatbthis is a group work and that the group thought that xxx.

Are the other members of the group also women or do yu have other men there?
Could another member if the group step in and remind him that you all agreed that xxxx?

It shouldn't be something about you thought that xxx and he thought that yyyy and your ideas was better. It's about what the group is deciding, not who is the best at convincing the others they are right (and he needs to reminded of that!)

Jaxhog · 16/05/2017 13:17

Ignore this. He will probably settle down quite quickly once his ego is a bit less bruised.

AteRiri · 16/05/2017 13:17

I'm not young anymore - mature age student here! Just know a lot of slang words :) But still have I guess that queasy feeling when I know someone is upset at me.

I just found his animosity not proportional to me suggesting that we focus on other solutions!

OP posts:
Jayfee · 16/05/2017 13:18

dissing someone..nah man..aiming a diss more like

AteRiri · 16/05/2017 13:25

Are the other members of the group also women or do yu have other men there?

I'm the only female. Three males.

OP posts:
BluePeppers · 16/05/2017 13:26

Ha!! That might explain things too. He has lost face in front of other men..... (or at least that's probably how he sees it).

Kokusai · 16/05/2017 13:27

Never heard 'throwing shade' but it's immediately obvious what it means and I love it!

+1

Love this!

Didyoumeantobesorude1 · 16/05/2017 13:31

Bruised male ego. Smile, nod, ignore.

PeachyPip · 16/05/2017 13:32

Throwing shade has been used for years hasn't it?

Should I ask why this guy is mad at me?
PeachyPip · 16/05/2017 13:34

I was right....this definition from URBAN DICTIONARY is 11 years old 😂

throwing shade
Throwing Shade, is to throw "attitude."
I was all up in the club "Throwing Shade" last night.

I saw the bitch in the club last night, and she threw me shade. (OR) I saw the bitch, and threw her shade.

That bitch is throwin shade `cause she's ugly as fuck!!

If I were butt fucking ugly, I would throw shade too!

"Bitch" can be either be a biological female OR a gay male

Throwing Shade is typically a term gay men use.
#giving attitude#negative vibes#fucked up demeanor#negative attitude#hostility
by cheekbeatah September 21, 2006

Scaredycat3000 · 16/05/2017 13:42

My career and hobbies are very traditionally male. We always had several retired men on the same college courses. Can you imagine being a teenager who knew more than your average older male on my subject. They tend to offer advice, and I'd point the correct other ways, I've always been good at diplomacy. That must be the quickest way to get misogynistic, bigoted, stupid, confused men to show their true colours. Pleased to say they are in minority. It got slightly better as I got older. My response has always been to ignore them, smugly smile to myself, and possibly directly at them, and continue as I was. They don't deserve my emotions, much easier it winds them up even more to not respond and definitely don't say sexit. Everybody round you knows why he's doing what he's doing,and is supporting you, the second the word sexit is said he will play the martyr and say it's pc gone mad. Leave him to it, he'll keep digging a deep hole until somebody pushes him in or he gives up everybody ignoring him and shuts up. Generally these types of men will want to get away from you as he keeps showing himself up around you. Like a troll don't feed him.
Good luck.

Scaredycat3000 · 16/05/2017 13:44

Bruised male ego. Smile, nod, ignore. Or the quick version from Didy Grin

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