Flat is in a shitstate, I want to go back to being SAHM

[Figglesticks]

I work so much it's hard to keep up with it all. The entirety of our crockery is currently lying dirty on the kitchen side or coffee table and we have so much washing covering the sofas that I have no idea what is dirty or clean.
DP works a lot too. We leave very early in the morning at get home very late at night and we're both too tired to do anything other than eat a quick dinner in silence and go to bed when we get home.

I just told DP I should go back to being a SAHM so I can at least keep the place clean and he looked like I'd just told him His pet puppy had died.

Aibu to stay at home and clean instead of working (even though I know I would hate it) or should I throw everything away, demand we live a minimalist/nudist lifestyle so I dont have this problem?

I could clean now but honestly I'd rather shove all the dirty forks up my bum at this time of night having just got in from tidying my workplace (which the weekend staff left in such a state the whole place smelled like farts)

Pack of paper plates, plastic knives & forks - clean good stuff as you go but eat off disposables until its cleaned up.

Figglesticks. It's hard when you are out from early morning until late at night. But, especially given you'd hate it, you don't need to be a SAHM to get on top of it & stay on top of it.

One day each weekend both of you get stuck in decluttering & cleaning. Enlist the children if they're old enough, or find a local kid to come & amuse them if they're too little (or enlist parents/family/friends help).

Reducing the amount of stuff in the house helps enormously.

Make a list of daily jobs & a list of weekly jobs, decide who is going to be responsible for them. Out source any you can afford to.

Find effective storage systems.

Once it's clean, uncluttered & organised it'll be much easier to keep on top of it.

Sounds tough OP. Not seeing much of the kiddies either.
Can you afford to be SAHP? Both you working part time an option?

My first thought was "Are you the only one worrying about this?"

Because he clearly doesnt want you to give up work, so is he doing his 50% of the housework? If not then either he pays for someone else to do his share or you will do his share but you will cut your work hours to compensate for the time spent doing it.

And what about the kids? Presumably washing a few pots isnt beyond them if they are old enough for you to be getting in late?

I dont think that YABU to be pissed off but you are BU to assume that its only your problem to solve.

You really need to address why you can't seem to manage the basics of being an adult.

If you're back "very very" late, so late you can't wash up, isn't it also too late to be dirtying any plates? Try washing up as you cook, and wash the plate when you're done with it. It's two minutes.

If you're out "very very" early and late, maybe you need to look at why you work so far from home, or possibly not very legal hours.

If you're at home so "very very" rarely how are you making such a mess?

And yeah. Get a cleaner. Someone's gotta do it, and if you are literally 'never' home, it can't be you two.

Get your DP to organise a cleaner. Just do your own stuff. Hopefully you take it in turns to put the child in the nursery/childminder. When it's your turn sort out the child's clothes.

Let him take up the slack. He sounds like a lazy lard arse.

Don't even get a cleaner, if you like working and want to stay at work, get a housekeeper.

The women who I used to live above had one, they were teachers and worked really long hours, and they had this wonderful woman who used to do for them in the old fashioned sense and cleaned, washed up, did laundry and similar. They were both teachers and wouldn't do without her.

As I recall from chatting she was a bit more expensive than a cleaner but not bank breaking on two teachers' salaries.

I get it, our house is often a shit tip when I am working but when I was on maternity leave it was immaculate most of the time and just ran so much smoother. DH still did stuff round the house when I was in maternity leave though. Life was easier for all of us when I was at home full time

Dishwasher? Do washing and ironing at weekends? Put dirty clothes in a dirty washing basket? You are kidding, right? How hard is it to stay tidy when you're out of the house all day?

In the time the op took to type the coffee table could have been cleared of dirty dishes . If dirty dishes on the coffee table offend you then put them in the sink. Being clean is not so much about having no time but about having poor time management and organisational skills, both of which you probably have in spades at work.

Yes, better pull your socks up OP and your big girl pants. You really need to be organised 24/7. You also need to whip that man of yours into shape as well.

Can never understand dishwasher? Who fills it and who empties it?

To me it sounds like you're just letting it all build up to the point of being overwhelming and then it feels like you're never getting anywhere.

Rather than quitting work, which is a pretty drastic answer to the "how do I get a bit more time to do housework?" question, it sounds like you just need to take some time to blitz the place and get back on top of things and then start from there with new house rules.

I remember I got a bit like this after I moved into my new house ... I had just got a new job and DD was starting a new school in a new country and I had to unpack and set up the house and tbh I just let stuff slide. Once we'd got into that routine it was hard to get out of it or ever get some time to make a dent in the ever growing to-do list.

Eventually I couldn't take it any more and I took a week of my annual leave for a week when DD was at her dad's house and blitzed the place to within an inch of it's life. I went through every room and focused on one particular room per day (I live in terraced Victorian house so there's only 5 rooms in the house so entirely doable) and did everything in that room. So all the cupboards/drawers got emptied, wiped down and the contents replaced in an organised fashion. Any rubbish got binned, anything unused/unwanted but in good condition went in a box for donation and every room got a thorough deep clean.

I spent that entire week mostly in old clothes that were way beyond respectable and were on the verge of being chucked out anyway - holes/tears/rips/stains etc - so that they could just be binned without guilt rather than adding to the washing pile, and used disposable paper plates/cutlery/glasses so that they could be binned and the washing up wasn't building up. I also took all of my washing to the launderette and did a couple of huge loads in their industrial machines and then as soon as I came home I put it all away in mine and DD's wardrobes, so that there was no laundry at all.

Once I had an immaculate house with no laundry, it was so much easier to set up new house rules and schedules - eg put washing in the machine before I leave for work every Tuesday & Friday and it's programmed to delay the cycle so that it will be finishing just before I get home, so it can go straight in the dryer/get hung on the airer as soon as I get in. It means that laundry is done in a day but takes less than 15 minutes out of my day to do it - including folding it straight out of the dryer to be put into the wardrobe when we go up to bed.

You really can't manage to clean up after yourselves? Just lack of will and organisation.

The dishwasher is one of the most marvellous inventions known to man IMO. If you haven't got one, get one, even if you have to rip out a cupboard to get one in! I survived 4 long years of not having one in 20 years of marriage and it was hell. The kitchen (which lets face it, is normally the most messy part of the house) can be cleaned up in minutes. When I have a clean kitchen, the stuff that needs doing in the rest of the house doesn't seem so overwhelming. I also love the warmth of the crockery as it comes out, feels so clean!

I would chuck all the washing in black bags (couldn't wear clean if it's been mixed with dirty) and deal with a bag an evening or take out what you need for the rest of the week and do a few bags over the weekend until it's all done.

I am a SAHM now, DC all at school, with little to do other than cleaning and the house is probably messier than when I was working full time with 3 DC with DH working 12 hour days I blame the bloody internet. Just cannot be arsed with it as I know it's going to be messy again by 4pm so get no satisfaction from that being my 'purpose' in life at the moment .

I somewhat implemented this woman's method for dishes:

alliecasazza.com/about-1/

Scroll down to the end to download the free PDF. Far more likely to just deal with the dishes you really need and use when there's less clutter everywhere. Our dishwasher is just a countertop one.

And this research she cites on cortisol levels being higher in females with higher levels of clutter in the same struck me.

Have not been brave enough to apply her logic to laundry yet but kitchen is already far easier - so easy to unload and load dishwasher That I no longer put it off.

In the same = in the home

Is your partner doing anything?

I'm a single parent. I find it almost impossible to keep my home clean and tidy and lovely - I want to appreciate it!

Running a home is a full-time job (or nearly a F-T job) in my opinion. It really is. If two people are working, the only way its gonna happen is :

(a) they both share the housework
(b) they get a cleaner
(c) a combination of the above!

One of you go part time? What about cleanibg at weekends? Get a cleaner, soend an hour tidying and da-dah

Pack of paper plates, plastic knives & forks - clean good stuff as you go but eat off disposables until its cleaned up.

absolutely this

Chuck out any crockery that is chipped or damaged. Just the once: fill bath with hot water & loads of Wash up liquid. Soak a while. Scrub until seriously clean - mindfully, mind you. Then each person in household is allocated one set of crockery - dinner plate, side plate, pudding bowl & mug - use these only. Potential washing up is slashed. Repeat for cutlery, & with communal batch of teaspoons based on utility rather than convenience. Repeat for glassware. Everything else put away, out of reach/temptation until you have guests round.

Many moons ago when I first played Mistress Housey, I ran a full dinner service. But then I grew up & my dishpan hands hands said no more. A strict one-per-person means a small bowl of washing up each day.
Repeat principles for pots, pans & kitchen gadgets.

Clear up as you cook into small refuse sack (preferably biodegradable for peelings etc), put kitchen rubbish out every night (cuts potential pongs & overflowing bins).

Use disposable kitchen towel instead of tea towels.
Use foil to line baking dishes - or use foil bakeware - to save scraping burned off stuff on bakewares. Foil roasters are brilliant for roasts & gravy simmering whilst meat rests - then soak up grease & oil with kitchen towel, fold up & into the daily rubbish bag.

The less stuff cluttering up the kitchen won't trap grease, dust & smells. It'll requires less tidying & cleaning. Less choas, more time to yourselves.

A meal plan for a few days ahead will help. I am slowly being transformed from an ad hoc dish of the day type into more of a planner. I find that we spend less, eat earlier & eat less.

OP tell us how often/long you're out of the house and who lives there? Are there any health/disability issues? I'd suggest maybe taking a couple of days off work (both of you) to get on top of it.

Wow! There must be time for you to clean? I would literally do it in the middle of the night if I had to. Could never live like that.

@LadySalmakia - good advice. My parents told me to advertise for home help/mothers help instead of a cleaner, so mine does jobs like stick the laundry on etc as well as tidying and cleaning. I work till school pick up, then take kids to hobbies etc and sort dinner, then work again for a few hours once they are in bed. I couldn't manage without her! (And I still do quite a bit myself)

Oh Jesus. It isn't that difficult to run a household when working full time. Take a few days/pick a weekend to have a mass tidy and declutter. Round up every single person who lives in that house and give them a job to do.

After that create a schedule and stick to it so that a little bit gets done each evening. Do the washing up after every meal. Clear the coffee tablr each time you leave the room. Have set days for laundry. It isn't exciting but it stops your house looking like a shithole.

YABU

If you want to quit work there's no need to search for an excuse. I've literally never heard of anyone quitting their job to clean their house!