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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to phone the school?

52 replies

Whatsername17 · 15/05/2017 19:33

I can't actually believe I'm writing this - I'm a teacher and I think I have a pretty level head. But, dh disagrees with me so I'm asking the mn jury. Here is the situation:

Dd1 is 5 and in yr 1. She came home today and said a boy in her class punched her in the tummy at lunch time and made her cry. She said that he was playing with blocks (they were inside as it was wet). She asked if she could play and he was 'mean' to her and said no. She went away. A little while later she was trying to get past and accidentally knocked some of the blocks over and he then punched her in the tummy. She told a dinner lady and the dinner lady told the boy not to be silly.

I want to address this with the class teacher for a couple of reasons. Firstly, to be sure dd did knock the blocks accidentally. To be honest, she isn't the type of kid to lie, but, if she did knock the bricks over on purpose I'd like to address that because it is mean. Secondly, I'd like to know what the consequence was for the boy. He is only 5, so a chat about not hitting, an apology and then letting his parents know would be fine imo. But, it doesn't appear that any of that was done. The dinner staff can give 'warning cards' but dd didn't think he had been given one. If he had, then fair enough but, as we have had no information from the school, I want to check. I don't want this little boy hung out to dry and I'm not angry, I just want to know it has been dealt with. If it were my dd who had hit, I'd want the school to issue a section and I'd do the same at home.

I work in secondary and I'm a HOY. If one pupil hits another we inform both parents and log it in the offending pupils behaviour log. Dh is a primary teacher (at dd's school) and says that they don't do that at primary, the teacher will have sorted it and thinks I should leave it. Aibu to politely discuss the issue with the teacher during an informal, after school drop in?

OP posts:
MaudeandHarold · 15/05/2017 19:44

I think, as a teacher, I'd want to know if it was an actual punch, or a push or shove, and the intention the boy had. Was it a brief loss of temper, or a deliberate punch? We spend lots of time in my setting addressing friendships, emotions, behaviour ( especially incidents like these) and it's often hard to get lunchtime staff on board. Hope your DD is ok. I'd have a casual chT with teacher, just to register your concern. I'd want to know if one of my parents wasn't happy or was concerned. Does that help?Smile

Original poster
Whatsername17 · 15/05/2017 19:52

Thanks, yes that helps. Dd modelled the punch so I'm pretty certain it was a punch. She also said the boy 'always' gets angry and hits people, so it's highly likely this boy is being managed by the staff. I just want to be kept in the loop!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 15/05/2017 19:53

Kept in the loop about what?

At most I would send a note in or have a quick word at drop off if she was upset about it.

Ditsy1980 · 15/05/2017 19:57

I'd definitely have a quick word at drop off or pick up just to find out what exactly happened.

Februaryjones · 15/05/2017 19:57

My DD is also in yr1. If this were her, I would definitely be having a word with the teacher, just to make sure they were aware of the incident. I would then be happy for them to deal as they see fit. If they weren't, then I'm sure they'll be pleased you've brought it to their attention. If he often gets angry then they need to know about every incident so he can get the support he needs too.

TheRealPooTroll · 15/05/2017 19:58

I would go with your dh. Would you want parents checking up that you are doing your job properly or would you like them to trust that you are?
If there is an ongoing issue then speak to the school but for a one off (with no actual injury I'm assuming) I really wouldn't. If I went into the school every time one of my dc was shoved in yr 1 I'd have been speaking to the teacher on a daily basis.

NoLotteryWinYet · 15/05/2017 20:02

i'd follow up, if my dd said a punch in the tummy, she'd know the difference between that and a shove/push. One is fairly normal and the other is a sign of another child that's perhaps not coping and needs more support at school, if the child did punch your DD in the tummy, I would want to know and have it followed up.

Original poster
Whatsername17 · 15/05/2017 20:07

Thanks all. By being in the loop I mean I want to be told if my dd has been hurt during the school day. We get a 'bumped head' letter if she falls over. Id expect them to let me know she'd been hit. That could be my schools policy clouding my judgement though: we always inform parents if a child had been hit.

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 15/05/2017 20:11

I don't expect the dinner lady saw it so won't know if your DD knocked the bricks over on purpose or by accident or if the boy in question shoved or punched. I'd let it go this time but keep the boys name in your mind in case your DD mentions him again

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 15/05/2017 20:12

And they're under no obligation to tell you how the boy was dealt with. Bloody frustrating but that's how it is!

Original poster
Whatsername17 · 15/05/2017 20:15

No amd I don't mind that at all. As long as it was dealt with in terms way the school thinks is best. I'm not certain the class teacher even knows it happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsername17 · 15/05/2017 20:16

Amd= and
Terms= the

OP posts:
notangelinajolie · 15/05/2017 20:18

Yes, I would want to know. If the lunch time staff aren't handling situations like this in the proper manner then someone needs to tell the school.
A boy punched my DD on her arm just after HPV vaccine. I was telephoned by someone in charge of behaviour, the boy was given a very stern telling off, his parents were also called, he was given a detention and my daughter got an apology and a v sore arm

Original poster
Whatsername17 · 15/05/2017 20:20

Which is what would happen at my school, not. I think that is why I'm surprised no one has phoned to say 'dd was punched by a boy in her class, we have dealt with it'. It is standard practice at my school to inform the parent before they hear if from their child.

OP posts:
FlouncingInTheRain · 15/05/2017 20:23

As a parent you have a right to know whats happening with your child. What happens with any other is none of your business.

As someone involved in schools that can be hard to get your head around because you have a knowledge of proceedures etc.

If you do decide to pursue this may I suggest everything is framed purely about your child.

DD says she knocked bricks over, do you think this was mean?

DD says she was hit, I would like to be informed if she's hit please etc.

Hit and not marked, not overly distressed or worried about school tomorrow, I wouldn't pursue. We all have to put our trust in the school and pick our battles. Is this one to highlight?

muckypup73 · 15/05/2017 20:26

Your husband works in the school,let him sort it out, remember when you cause aggro at school you could be causing aggro for him. You work in a high school, it is totally different from primary. and also you get a notice about bumped heads, nothing else.

zzzzz · 15/05/2017 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

muckypup73 · 15/05/2017 20:27

FlouncingInTheRain, you sound like a head teacher I know!

Original poster
Whatsername17 · 15/05/2017 20:28

She was really upset and has decided that she will 'hide' from the boy tomorrow. I think dh is just being funny because they are his colleagues. I'm going to have a chat with the class teacher and let her know. Like I said before, I'm not angry at all. Just concerned. (Sorry, I didn't mean to drip feed, re dd being worried. The above poster reminded me I'd missed that bit.)

OP posts:
PourquoiPas · 15/05/2017 20:29

I would very much doubt that the teacher knows about it at all. It sounds like the dinner lady told the boy not to be silly and that was the end of it, which for me wouldn't really be acceptable. For one thing, the boy could be thumping all the other children like this all through the break times and no one would really know, equally, your daughter could be hurt and no one would be aware of what had happened.

What ideally would have happened would be that the dinner lady fed the incident back to the teacher, who would then monitor your daughter and the boy to make sure they were both behaving. In my experience, if your daughter didn't make a fuss the dinner lady would have had three other more serious incidents to pass on to the teacher so this would have passed by.

There's no harm in picking it up with the teacher to check if they are aware, perhaps under the guise of "x told me this happened at playtime and I wanted to check if I need to follow through any further at home?"

grasspigeons · 15/05/2017 20:30

I am all for open conversations with schools, but I'll be honest and say the teacher did not see this incident. All she can do is speak to a dinner lady later that day to ask what she saw. There is a very strong chance all the dinner lady saw was a tipped over tower and a crying girl and had two very conflicting stories to listen too as she was flitting between two class rooms. I'm not sure it would achieve much.

Blinkingblimey · 15/05/2017 20:30

I also think your dh is probably right but, a if a quick (non dramatic) check in with the teacher before school would put your mind at rest then I don't think there's any harm in it.

Original poster
Whatsername17 · 15/05/2017 20:30

I will be happy with a simple 'we know and we've handled it'. I don't want to know the details about the little boy. Dh has already said he doesn't want to discuss it whilst he's at work because he doesn't want to be treated differently by dd's teachers. Thanks for your opinions.

OP posts:
FlouncingInTheRain · 15/05/2017 20:32

muckypup73 daughter of a primary teacher/ head who started comments to my teacher 'at my school ...' I love my my mum dearly, but I'm still cringing over 35 years on.

Astro55 · 15/05/2017 20:33

I work in secondary and I'm a HOY. If one pupil hits another we inform both parents and log it in the offending pupils behaviour log

I think your school is a minority !! Actually behaviour management -

DD was often punched kicked mouthful of grass pinned down - not one call ever!

DS was pulled from a fence a two boys kicked the stuffing out of him on another's day so -

Today a boy asked a teacher to help his friend - he was being beaten senseless and she told him to stop telling tales!

Sorry - teachers dealing with actual bullying is a rarity - your DH needs a head wobble