Aibu to phone the school?

[Whatsername17]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this - I'm a teacher and I think I have a pretty level head. But, dh disagrees with me so I'm asking the mn jury. Here is the situation:

Dd1 is 5 and in yr 1. She came home today and said a boy in her class punched her in the tummy at lunch time and made her cry. She said that he was playing with blocks (they were inside as it was wet). She asked if she could play and he was 'mean' to her and said no. She went away. A little while later she was trying to get past and accidentally knocked some of the blocks over and he then punched her in the tummy. She told a dinner lady and the dinner lady told the boy not to be silly.

I want to address this with the class teacher for a couple of reasons. Firstly, to be sure dd did knock the blocks accidentally. To be honest, she isn't the type of kid to lie, but, if she did knock the bricks over on purpose I'd like to address that because it is mean. Secondly, I'd like to know what the consequence was for the boy. He is only 5, so a chat about not hitting, an apology and then letting his parents know would be fine imo. But, it doesn't appear that any of that was done. The dinner staff can give 'warning cards' but dd didn't think he had been given one. If he had, then fair enough but, as we have had no information from the school, I want to check. I don't want this little boy hung out to dry and I'm not angry, I just want to know it has been dealt with. If it were my dd who had hit, I'd want the school to issue a section and I'd do the same at home.

I work in secondary and I'm a HOY. If one pupil hits another we inform both parents and log it in the offending pupils behaviour log. Dh is a primary teacher (at dd's school) and says that they don't do that at primary, the teacher will have sorted it and thinks I should leave it. Aibu to politely discuss the issue with the teacher during an informal, after school drop in?

I've just seen the update that she is upset. In which case you don't need to be worrying about whether procedures followed but just raising that she was upset by the incident and you trust they will reassure her and sort it out. It feels a big deal speaking to the school but it shouldn't be. They won't know if you don't say.

honestly I would leave it and keep it in mind if there are any future problems with the same child. you are not going to find out the truth now, did your dd intentionally knock the blocks over to get back at the mean boy, did the boy react and push her away by her tummy or was it a complete accident on your dd's part, and the boy violently lashed out. It doesn't sound like she was that upset or the dinner lady would have done more.

If I had went to the school every time ds had a one off knock in the first couple of years I would never had been away from the place. I trusted them to deal with it, do you have concerns your school wont?

It isn't that likely you will be informed every time your child is hit. Hurt, yes if they went to first aid. It's not uncommon for little children to hit out and will be treated a lot less seriously than at secondary. As a parent, it would be best to treat it as him having an off day and yes it was mean and we all do mean things sometimes. As this child gets older, he will most probably grow out of it. It is distressing to realise your child has been hit at school. He is also less likely to act out if he isn't labelled as a trouble maker or a hitter. And I would definitely be addressing it as the staff didn't deal with it appropriately.

Astro that is disgraceful.

If one pupil hits another we inform both parents and log it in the offending pupils behaviour log.

I'd love to know where your school is OP it sounds great! In my DD2's secondary school they only acknowledge someone being hit if the parent that complains is particularly scary. Otherwise its all lies.

I would expect the boy to be told off, don't go down the road of finding out if your DD was mean etc., but just check in with the class teacher. Both my DDs initially went to a tiny village primary school and were generally punched, kicked, tied up etc., again the main aim of the school was to deny everything (we moved) so I suppose by nearly the end of secondary we're inured to a lot of it

Anyway sorry OP the point of my post was not to bemoan my situation but to say it sounds like our own school deal with things very well so that's why you are surprised to come across this sort of thing in primary school, whereas most of us posting here wouldn't be.

I don't think I would do anything 'formal' about this but I would have a quick word with the teacher, just so they know to try to keep a bit of a closer eye on your DD and the boy when they are together if possible

Year 1 is tricky, my DS was crying over another boy being 'mean' to him the other day and then I saw them at a party and they were the absolute best of friends, it's hard to keep up!

With your update about being distressed, I think it's worth a mention. My youngest is very anxious, yr 1, and for her I avoid bring up things she's expressed anxiety about directly with her, incase it reinforces the anxiety. If she raises things in the morning I then do the reassure and quiet word with teacher at the door thing.

DH works at DS1's school, and we have a deal with the school that all information and meetings etc are handled by me. At school DH is MrFlouncing. Its easier for us to seperate, especially when situations are potentially slightly emotional.

If a teacher had been near enough to see what happened and answer your questions, they would have dealt with the incident not left it to your DD to go to a dinner lady.
You could ask the teacher to keep an eye on your DD and child x because she was upset after today. However, it doesn't sound as though they'll be able to deal with today's incident retrospectively since no adults witnessed it.
Your expectations around behaviour management are very high for a primary school. I would follow your DH's lead on expectations in his school.

In my experience, when that sort of incident happens in the classroom, you are more likely to hear about it than at lunch time.
In the two primary my dcs have been in, the communication between the lunch time staff and the teacher wasn't great and the dinner ladies usually didn't dollownthe same 'rules' as the teachers would. So an incident like this would just result in a gentle 'be nice' to the boy and nothing else (and certainly no note to the parents)

Also bear in mind that a secondary child hitting another doesn't mean the same thing than for a primary age child.
In secondary, you assume that they have mastered some control over their impulses and when they do hit someone it's on purpose, done to hurt (and WILL hurt). It's a full on aggression.
In primary, esp at that age, impulses are much less controlled so this is something that will happen more often. It's not always a full on aggression and can be an inappropriate reaction to a situation (not saying it's good there. I'm saying that at 5yo they are still learning other ways to react)

If my child was punched in the stomach and the school hadn't said anything to me/written a note, I would assume the teacher didn't know and write a note/say something.

This is not on. I think a lot of lunchtime supervisors, who aren't regular teaching staff and are there just for lunchtime supervision, often feel overwhelmed and don't quite know how to deal with all the behaviour issues in primary schools. IMO. And yes, I work in a primary school myself. So it's tricky when it's your own child, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be brought to staff's attention and dealt with.

If no-one saw the incident they wouldn't know whether the bricks were knocked over on purpose.

Perhaps advise your daughter to stay away from the boy and to be careful not to knock over anyone's blocks in future, and to tell you/the teacher if anyone else hits her. Don't make a big deal out of it but if this boy is going to be a problem his name will no doubt come up again. Young kids do occasionally hit each other - hopefully they've grown out of it by secondary but at age 5 it's not necessarily a sign that they are going off the rails

What is the type of kid who lies?

In your OP you said you wanted to know the consequence for the boy. That would be entirely inappropriate - it's for the school to deal with and they don't have to tell you what they've done. I'm surprised you inform your parents at your school tbh.

I'd leave it with your dh tbh - you would seem to be undermining him by going in.

*If one pupil hits another we inform both parents and log it in the offending pupils behaviour log.

I'd love to know where your school is OP it sounds great! *

Its a shame that this seems to be unusual - this is certainly what happens at my DS secondary school, I've had calls that he has been knocked over by another DC, and they have outlined how they have handled it... unless there's a big coincidence, and the OP is a HOY at the same school!

you said you wanted to know the consequence for the boy. That would be entirely inappropriate - it's for the school to deal with and they don't have to tell you what they've done.
This has cropped up several times. I don't really understand why it would be a private thing tho? - if all concerned know what a DC did wrong, and punishments are consistent and as defined by school policies, why is it wrong for the other people involved (inc parents) to know what the consequence was?

My school (secondary) also always inform parents if a child has been hit. As did my previous school. I'm shocked that it doesn't happen in all schools.

Your DH works there, this teacher is his colleague, wouldn't it be better for him to have a quiet word?

In a primary playground one class of thirty children will make physical contact with each other several hundred times in just one break time. Imagine the paperwork of reporting every physical contact. Games like tag can end in hitting to hard, the power rangers fad a few years ago caused no end of headaches with children acting out rather physically what they'd seen on TV. Wrestling is a big thing in my DD's class at present.

Year 1 children do hit out a lot and how it's dealt with will depend very much on a) whether it was an instant thing or more thought about, b)how the child has reacted when spoken to and c) if it's part of a bigger picture, but as a one off unless i saw him quite deliberately get up and actually punch DD I wouldn't tell his parents. I also wouldn't tell you or DD if i planned to talk to his parents or not, unless your DD was actually hurt. By all means talk to the teacher about DD being anxious about it, so they can reassure her but I don't think you need to say anymore than that.

Hitting in secondary school is a totally different thing, even hitting in key stage 2 is, because the children know it's wrong and they should know how to control themselves and deal with their emotions, 5 year olds are still learning, If you were talking about a child over about 8 I would agree with you about informing parents but honestly I wouldn't have time to phone every parent whose child either hit someone or was hit by someone at lunchtime, during wet play, when everyone's been cooped up in a classroom all day and really need a run around/5 minutes not cramped up together, wet play with KS1 children is hell.

Because a consequence will be, or should be, specific to the child and informing a third party is a breach of that child's privacy.

A kids with SN for example might not understand what they have done at all and have consequences designed to develop social skills, gentle touches etc. Is little Amy's parents going to be happy being told little Johnny's punishment is to spend lunchtime with the TA gently practising stroking the class Bear?

I'm not convinced the teacher would def have heard about it from dinner ladies, to be able to handle it tho?
When I was 5, an older child constantly made me do whatever she said at playtime, including climbing to the top of climbing frames when scared, dinner ladies told her to stop if they saw it, but as soon as they left it continued. I often had minor injuries, from falling, which were treated, but I was just tiled not to at with the child (but had no choice, she physically carried me where she wanted me, like a doll!).

Eventually I told my teacher myself, and several other kids quickly corroborated; she was clearly surprised, told me not to worry, and it never happened again.

She clearly hadn't heard anything about from playground staff, so it may be worth discussing that your DD is feeling nervous and explaining why, as this will tell you whether she knows about the incident.

Imagine the paperwork of reporting every physical contact.
But no one suggested that, did they?

There have been several at secondary we inform if... which is great and impulse control is obviously very different in older children. My point was in little ones they make lots of pysical contact, not in the Op's case I'm sure, but lots of contact can be interpretted in different ways by different children.