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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About the neighbor and my DC

74 replies

WinterWinds001 · 15/05/2017 16:16

Hi, Long time lurker but first post! I'll try to include everything so as not to drip feed. This will be long so apologies in advance!

We moved into a (mid-terrace) house with, then 5 month old DS in 2014. All was well and good. Neighbor on one side moved out late that year and in moved new neighbor, This is when problems began.

within 2 weeks we had a letter through the door stating exact day, date and times our DS (then just turned 1) had disturbed her and to fix it. I was mortified and went about trying to fix everything.

Its been a new complaint every few months since,with varying problems/times of day with each complaint. as soon as we try to accommodate one thing, she comes up with another! all complaints are done through her contacting our landlord, she has never been round here.

We had DD late 2015 and its been constant since, any time of day any day of the week shes thumping on the walls the minute one of the DC makes a noise. DS was so frightened after one particularly aggressive thumping session after he ran to the toilet when potty training he refused to use the toilet in our house for 2 weeks.

We have bent over backwards to accommodate her. Adjusting wake up time later, pushing bedtime later, switching bedrooms because the noise of the door opening in the smaller room annoyed her, banned the DC from upstairs are to name a few.

New complaint via landlord this week, she can apparently hear the stair gates and doesn't like the DC being upstairs at bath/bedtime because the floors are creaky and the walls thin. DD18m means stair gates are non negotiable and minus levitating them harry potter style to bed I'm at wits end with it all, constantly on edge telling DC off for being kids.

As an aside note, she has never had children and lives alone. My DC sleep 12 hours through 7-7 without fail, no parties, loud tvs at night ect. Not sure if this is relevant or not!

So AIBU to tell her to piss off and rent a detached house somewhere if she wants to live in silence?!

OP posts:

StaplesCorner · 15/05/2017 16:56

I think the problem here is that you have allowed yourself to be bullied by this person and now she is easily able to manipulate you - you're just playing into her hands. You need to tell your landlord clearly that you will not respond to any further complaints and that she is harassing you, then tell her the same. I am sure we've seen this on MN before when people try to appease spiteful neighbours.

glitterfarts · 15/05/2017 16:56

You are just living normally, so I wouldn't go about tiptoe-ing around your own home.

She sounds deranged banging on the wall like that and I'd be telling my kids we were playing a game called "scream as loud as you can" or "roar like a lion" next time she does that.

Maybe if you make enough noise, she'll leave? Kids are kids. They only get louder as they get older IME.

Gingernut81 · 15/05/2017 16:57

Tell her to move house?!

I'm with everyone, she needs to get a grip. Stop pandering to her needs, she can call environmental health if it's that much if an issue, I can't imagine they'd do anything unless you're actually the neighbours from hell 😬

Have you kept the letters from her? As others have said perhaps you need to point out that she's harassing you and say you'll be taking action if she continues. CAB might be able to offer advice.

DoveBlue · 15/05/2017 16:58

Please report her for harassment first to her landlord and after that to the council. Her banging on your wall is a noise issue (deliberate not a getting on with life) and an antisocial behaviour one.
Please also let your DC play normally your anxiety will be rubbing off on them. They should feel safe to be themselves. I try to make sure my kids aren't screetching in garden etc but they are kids. She is lucky they sleep through my two (close to your DDs age definitely do not!). You need to ignore her complaints and live life to suit your family by trying to adapt she is taking the piss and you are giving her control.

Fruitcorner123 · 15/05/2017 16:59

The cease and desist letter sounds like a good idea. She sounds like a nightmare. Don't change your life for her anymore and try not to let it upset you. When you receive a new complaint just bin it and forget about it. Don't even read it.

Roussette · 15/05/2017 17:00

You need to write to her and tell her to stop harrassing you. Say that you have taken advice and as your children sleep for 12 hours of a 24 hour period... in the other 12 hours of the day you will be carrying on family life as normal. And that if she contacts you one more time, you will be taking legal steps.

Then you must convince yourself she doesn't even exist (hard I know!) and do carry on with your lovely family doing what families all over the country do every day. This will be taking a tremendous toll on you and your children and DH and you have a right to live your life.

DeadGood · 15/05/2017 17:00

I agree with Beefarseer.

Speak to your landlord and ask them to stop passing on her messages to you, as well. I'm pretty surprised that these two landlords have been happy to act as go-betweens for this woman for so long.

TheExuberant1 · 15/05/2017 17:07

I agree it is harassment. I had a similar issue with an ex neighbour. She also had children and my children were only babies but she complained about every aspect of our lives even though we were very considerate of her. In the end I went to my solicitor and the police and lodge a file for harrasment. She stopped.

Stormtreader · 15/05/2017 17:08

Definitely go to your landlord and say "I would prefer not to hear any more of her complaints unless its around an issue that you think is reasonable and are prepared to help me address. This is bordering on harassment now."

Oliversmumsarmy · 15/05/2017 17:08

This sounds like a piece about noise I saw a few years ago.

Neighbour A had a stereo that he liked listening to music on. He insisted it was very quiet and had never had a complaint before

Neighbour B kept complaining as he said it was so loud the ornament on his mantelpiece were jumping up and down

They turned the volume up to the loudest and not a sound was heard in neighbour Bs house.

Misswiggy · 15/05/2017 17:08

She sounds like a complete weirdo and a horrid person. Agree you've been too nice. Complain to her landlord for harassment or send the letter another poster mentioned.

Original poster

WinterWinds001 · 15/05/2017 17:10

After speaking to DP tonight when he gets home, we will ring landlord tomorrow to insist we hear no more of her complaints and post a letter to her that she should contact environmental health or the like in the future.

Thank you all though because i will bath and put to bed my DC without fear or worry tonight knowing We truly aren't in the wrong and that is a massive weight lifted for me personally and hopefully DS & DD will feel the benefits.

OP posts:

Roussette · 15/05/2017 17:12

You truly are not in the wrong! Sometimes these situations just grow and grow until you can't see the wood for the trees (been there done it got the T) so I'm glad you can see a way forward. Hopefully she will back off

EweAreHere · 15/05/2017 17:14

I agree that this is harassment.

Complain to the landlord.

Live your life normally. Stop catering to her. She is the problem, not you.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/05/2017 17:18

It's a power trip for her and she feels she's winning every time you do as she demands. You need to take the power away from her by not responding in any way. You may be sure that she's listening ear to the wall to hear you shush your children or tiptoe around after she's dropped off one of her letters. All she should hear is you saying 'What's this then' followed by a few minutes reading time, then hysterical laughter and an 'As IF!!!' or a 'What's SHE been smoking?'.

Stop accommodating her unless you feel that what she's saying is reasonable. Review your current 'procedures' and if there are any that you've instituted that are really silly upon reflection, stop them.

TheLegendOfBeans · 15/05/2017 17:19

Easier said than done but you need to absolutely switch off your brain when it comes to this woman. Ignore her, ignore her knocking, ignore the landlord letters, proceed with family life as normal and rid yourself of anxiety.

Meanwhile, you need to act swiftly to stop the escalation (cease and desist letter) but also if she's a member of a housing association you need to write to them too.

I utterly despise god awful neighbours who live to complain.

inkydinky · 15/05/2017 17:21

Can I suggest buying a trampoline?

pictish · 15/05/2017 17:21

"So AIBU to tell her to piss off and rent a detached house somewhere if she wants to live in silence?!"

No ywnbu to tell her to piss of and rent a detatched if she wants silence. This cheeky bitch is trying (and so far succeeding) to control you. Get her bullshit to Hell. Stop creeping around for her and stopping you kids being normal kids.

Do what I did with a former neighbour that was quite similar - he too lived alone and thought he had a divine right to silence, banging on the walls when our baby cried and continually complaining about ordinary family noise. I ended up telling him to call the police. I said, "Go on...go back upstairs and phone the police and tell them your neighbour's baby is crying at 4 o clock in the afternoon and see where it gets you. Go and waste police time instead of wasting mine. Go on! PHONE THEM!"

Never did hear from the idiot again.

Tell her to write down all her complaints...every single one...in ink, on a slip of good quality paper, roll it up neatly, secure it with a silk ribbon in a nice colour...then insert it carefully into her anus.

Monkeyinshoes · 15/05/2017 17:26

You are doing nothing wrong. We had a neighbour a bit like this, no complaints but he would bang on walls and play his music so loud our windows shook if he heard the slightest bit of noise. It was awful.

If she's overly sensitive to noise that's not your fault, you can't tiptoe around your own home. Definitely ask your landlord to stop passing these complaints on, she can't keep harassing you like this.

MaterEstIratus · 15/05/2017 17:29

I suggest you buy a piano and begin lessons immediately. Your kids also need a drum kit...

Blimey01 · 15/05/2017 17:29

Yep complain to her landlord. Sounds like harassment.

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 15/05/2017 17:32

I just want to add my voice to those saying that you're doing nothing wrong. My friend has the same problem and it pisses me right off to see her bending over backwards to placate the arsehole next door.

JustTrying2Help · 15/05/2017 17:39

WTF - Bang back on the wall really hard for 30 seconds, she'll soon stop.

What a horrible neighbour, there's no way she should behaving like that and you should most definitely not be accommodating her - she is being a bitch!

Write her a letter stating that the level of noise is an acceptable level in a house with 2 toddlers and if she continues to harass you then you will report her to the police for harassment!

ymmv · 15/05/2017 17:40

@inkydinky

BlurryFace · 15/05/2017 17:40

Sympathies, OP. We used to live in flats with 0 soundproofing and would get banging from downstairs when DS1 tantrummed FFS. I used to bang the floor back (I know, I know, not good) and had she ever confronted me about it I would have informed her that I heard her threesomes in the wee hours so she could deal with it. People have got to be able to live their lives.

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