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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think everyone is having sex but us?

31 replies

Cakeisbest · 15/05/2017 15:00

DH and me have been together 30+ years so in our 50's now. We hardly ever have sex anymore as neither of us can be bothered most of the time. Menopause has certainly reduced my sex drive, and I think my DH just doesn't fancy me anymore. We are happy together but something is definitely lacking without the spark of attraction. Is everyone at it except us, or is this just an inevitable part of a very long term relationship?

OP posts:
wasonthelist · 15/05/2017 15:38

I am your age but single but most of my long term relationships have wound up with minimal or no sex, so you are not alone. On the other hand maybe I am just crap at it.

CurlyMango · 15/05/2017 18:39

Cakeisbest, I think cake is best. At least I know I can get some. And it doesn't disappoint. Anyhow think we last managed it about three years ago! He doesn't seem interested and we are busy 😒

Original poster
Cakeisbest · 16/05/2017 18:29

Thanks for the comments, good to know as it's not really something I can ask friends and would they be truthful anyway as it's so personal?

OP posts:
BlueSunGreenMoon · 16/05/2017 18:33

I'm 30 and dh and I hardly ever have sex atm. We are going through really busy periods with work and have a toddler. I know both of us want it more but are exhausted.

BastardBloodAndSand · 16/05/2017 18:33

I'm 35. Been with my dp for 22 and had sex for the 1st time in 2 years last night.

Meh, still can't be arsed. It was enjoyable I suppose but would be happy enough to go without these days.

luckylucky24 · 16/05/2017 18:37

I am only 27 and only have sex 3/4 times a month. DH is only 31 but we have 2 young kids and are exhausted.

Nelly1727 · 16/05/2017 18:39

I don't think it is unusual. My husband and I both work full time and have 3 young children. Our sex life goes through stages of nothing for 6-8 weeks then some weeks we can have sex 2-3 times. I think I have the higher sex drive and sometimes worry that he doesn't find me attractive anymore.
It is a shame you can't feel that you can speak to friends about this. My friends and I have literally no secrets and it is reassuring knowing that you are not the only one. I would say 80% of my friends do not have the sex life they once did. There are a few who still act like newlyweds even with the busy jobs, kids etc. I think that is more unusual though and think it is perfectly natural that your sex life slows down after y are together.

UntilTheCowsComeHome · 16/05/2017 18:40

I'm 37, married for 15 years and have only had sex twice since November.

It's mostly down to me, I've totally lost all urge.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 16/05/2017 18:49

I'm not. I'm in my thirties and hubby is in 40s and can't remember last time I had sex. Been together almost fifteen years

AnyFucker · 16/05/2017 18:50

If it is normal in your relationship and both of you are content, then there is no problem

It wouldn't be ok for everyone though. DH and I are in our 50's and are having a great time now we have the freedom to get away from the kids.

PaperdollCartoon · 16/05/2017 18:54

I'm late 20s, 5 years with DP. we have sex every 4-6 weeks? Partly his low sex drive, partly we prefer sex at different times and it rarely tallies, partly we work a lot and are tired! We love each other, are attracted to each other and are emotionally close.

It always seems like everyone is having sex all the time. It does get depressing when you're not. But I think a lot of it is the sex-havers are really loud about it and the not-haves tend to keep it to themselves.

AnyFucker · 16/05/2017 18:57

Some of us do just quietly get on with it, you know Smile

We had a lull in our 30's. Yoing kids, no time, busy lives. It comes back I promise. And if it doesn't and you are both happy then sod everyone else.

Laska5772 · 16/05/2017 19:05

I do think one of the 'Great Unsaids' about menopause is the loss of libido. . and there doesnt seem anything you ca me do to recover it other than keep on keeping on regardless ..Im 59, DH a bit younger, he is v understanding (and I do make the effort when i remember!!) but I know he is sad about the reduced interest sometimes

TFPsa · 16/05/2017 19:07

Both in your fifties it's realistically going to be incomparably less than it was thirty odd years ago, that's very normal.

If it was pretty much never (e.g. say only on holiday or only every few months) I'd guess that'd be moderately unusual but not spectacularly so. Depends on your age a bit, e.g. 51 is no more the same as 59 as 21 is 29 etc

awishes · 16/05/2017 19:10

I'm not sure that libido does reduce with menopause? Mine increased but I suppose there were other influences as well.
If you are both happy that's enough isn't it?

desertmum · 16/05/2017 19:15

I had a huge libido surge during menopause and we had amazing sex then bang it disappeared. Went on HRT after a long drought and it has returned. While at the time I could have quite happily never had sex again I did miss the intimacy and am gald I have managed to sort it.

Not sure how long it will last as I am having a fair amount of bleeding which may mean I have to stop the HRT.

limon · 16/05/2017 19:17

We haven't had sex in two and a half years. Neither of us can be arsed. And wet have a small child.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/05/2017 19:19

We're also 50's, been together 30ish years. Hmm, our sex life has decreased but we do have one. Less than DH would like and more than I'd like 😀. Lots of catch up on holidays, weekends away. It isn't inevitable that your sex life just stops.

rabbitsandrhubarb · 16/05/2017 19:20

I am 53, met my DH 30 years ago and have been married for 23 years.
During the past 6 years we had a number of years of very infrequent sex and then 2 and a half years of no sex at all. I was peri-menopausal and found I no longer had much interest and for various reasons our relationship (not just sexual but emotional) had deteriorated. DH never tried to initiate sex, in fact hardly made any physical contact at all, which I found very depressing.

Both DC left home at the same time to go to university which pushed us to have a proper conversation about where our relationship was going. We did a lot of talking and agreed that we would both make an effort to do things differently and we have managed to rekindle the emotional and physical side of things, which we are both very much enjoying.

We found it helped to go away somewhere together so we were out of our normal routine, and he bought me a surprise present of some tasteful but sexy underwear (which he had never ever done previously). I have also been making the effort to take more exercise (though am not overweight) as this seems to improve my mental health.

In the last 4 months I have probably had more sex than in the last 10 years and I feel the urge to initiate it now, which I hadnt for a long time, which makes him feel more positive. I have got through the menopause relatively unscathed. He has finally opened up emotionally which makes me feel more wanted.

I would say there is still hope. I had thought all the spark had gone from our relationship and 6 months ago was on the verge of leaving, as I couldnt bear the idea of never having sex again, but we have managed to turn that situation around.

Good luck, but remember, it is a very individual thing, and if both of you are happy, I wouldnt worry about what anyone else is doing.

wowbutter · 16/05/2017 19:23

Have been with DH a long time, during my first pregnancy we had sex three times from the day I found out to a month after DS was born. So, sex roughly every 15 weeks or so.
Longest has been nine for seven or eight months. Shortest, two or three hours.
We are happy, sex is great when we feel good, have no small children or illnesses or work issues. It goes out the window when we have all those things at once.

gamerwidow · 16/05/2017 19:27

If you're both happy with the amount of sex you're having then it's not a problem.
Me and DH are in our 40s with a 7 yo DD and have sex once or twice a week most weeks. We've been together nearly 20 years and there has been times when we've had more and times when we've had less.

frazzlebedazzle · 16/05/2017 19:31

'I'm 30 and dh and I hardly ever have sex atm. We are going through really busy periods with work and have a toddler. I know both of us want it more but are exhausted.'

'I'm 35. Been with my dp for 22 and had sex for the 1st time in 2 years last night. '

This is us too Sad

BeyondThePage · 16/05/2017 19:35

We were stood in our shop the other day eating cake and making salacious noises!

the youngest there said "OMG you lot stop with the sex noises!" Response was instant from the 4 of us over 50s - "when you've been married this long you take your pleasures where you can get them"

followed by long laughter.

You both need to be "in the same place" though for everything to run along swimmingly.

misscph1973 · 16/05/2017 19:43

rabbitsandrhubarb, that's great to hear!

I'm 44, we have 2 DC, and we didn't have much sex when the DC were little, maybe once a month. We had sex often before DC. Now they are 10 and 12, and in the last year we have had sex several times a week. We are both fitter and healthier, and it helps a lot. We are also getting closer again on a non-physical level, not sure if that's a side effect of more sex or the other way around.

I think all people are different, but rabbitsandrhubarb's example is certainly worth taking notes from - if it bothers you that you don't have sex.

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout · 16/05/2017 20:20

DH and I have been together 29 yrs, married for 19.

Our sex life changes and has evolved over time. Obviously, we were at it a lot when we were younger, before kids. With babies, sex waned as we were both exhausted but we always worked hard to bring it back when the time was right.

Our youngest are 4 yr old twins and having them had the biggest negative impact on our sex life but we're getting it back again and, to be honest, it's better than ever.

Sex makes us feel closer and happier. If you still feel close and intimate without it, and if you're both happy, then carry on as you are. If one or both of you are unhappy, I think you need to work at it - a sexless marriage, when one or both partners want sex, is sure to be unhappy

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