Just need to let it out, I dont enjoy being a mum :(

[31weeksgone]

Aibu?

Bit of backstory. Have a toddler, 18 months or so. She's gorgeous. We live somewhere with no garden up a flight of stairs, so it's a struggle getting in/out up/down a flight of stairs with pushchair and baby bags and toddler and the bloody sink etc..

partner works away quite a lot, so I'm here a lot of the time on my own, and I don't have any friends or family in the area, and I find it hard to make any because I fear they'll want to come back here and I'm so ashamed of this house. Been trying to get partner to move for months if not years but no luck.

So when it's a rainy day like today, we're stuck inside this bloody tiny house, only the living room to play in. Can't ever have water play or messy play as all carpet and old type furniture. Unless I go to the park everyday she hasn't got anywhere to run around, but she's SUCH an active child. We've had to stop some baby classes because she won't sit still and join in, she just runs riot.

The lovely mums at a toddler group we go to last Tuesday made sure I sat down and told me to rest because she's "such a busy baby" and she never stops, I'm honestly exhausted

She sleeps well at night, is a delightful child really but I'm finding this situation exhausting. It's the calling her name constantly saying come back, back into this tiny living room. Im not even sure if it's being a mum I don't enjoy, or if I'd enjoy it living somewhere else.

I feel like I'm stunting her development by cramping her in a tiny house when we're at home, putting the tv on to keep her still in 1 place for 10 minutes, or not having little friends of hers round. I don't know. I just needed somewhere to write this all down, I take her out daily to the park or baby group most days, but when it rains like today I'm just at a loss as what to do. Feel so bad for her

I sometimes feel I'd be happier just at work, or sometimes just want an hour to myself to read Facebook or just have a cup of tea. I think I'm all babied out, after 18 months with no time away from her except some driving lessons maybe that would help?

Sorry for the pity party, like I said, just needed to confess the awful fact that I'm not enjoying motherhood at the moment and I feel such awful guilt for that

Honestly, go back to work. It is going to be a massive effort in those conditions to create a really stimulating environment for your baby.
In the mean time though, stop making your house into a prison for yourself. no one gives a damn that your house is old/small etc. Most parents' houses are shit tips. Invite someone nice from one of the baby groups, or even two people round for a cuppa and embrace the mayhem!
You are doing a great job in difficult circumstances, so please stop feeling guilty. I think you would bith benefit from some time apart while she goes to a nursery and you go to work.

If you got rid of his stuff he would kick you out? Seriously?

Sorry, just trying to get the measure of things here. Are you guys in a relationship, like do you act as though you love one another? Or has the relationship broken down?

Because I cannot imagine being in a relationship where it was known that I'd be thrown out if I threw some stuff away.

I don't mean that to sound unhelpful - just trying to give some outside perspective here OP. Really not normal.

I think you need to start taking steps now to safeguard your future. Get a job, get some of your own cash, build a support network etc.

Can't let her run into other rooms because they're literally not safe/full of stuff/the bathroom/etc. Could take her to her nursery to play I guess.

We do get out everyday, but like I say lots of steps to lug stuff up and down. If we had a garden we could go out and enjoy that or even just step out onto street but to get out everyday we have to pack everything up get downstairs then walk 20 minutes or so just to find a park to play in otherwise it's just a pavement and a main road (Hope this can answer some questions)

I'm starting to make arrangements for me, live in such an expensive city that can't even afford deposit for rent for now. Can't go back to work because no one to have child or nursery places are on a wait and I do shift work so can't even get someone for those hours sometimes. It's a bit of a difficult situation.

I am sorting this out for me and DD, I'm going to get a hoarder charity to come out and speak to him. x

We also don't have a dining table, or I would use that for activities. It's buried under stuff we have a breakfast bar in the kitchen we do all our eating at.

Good for you OP. I really hope things improve.

Just want to say, don't feel sad and guilty about "missing this stage when she's older". You couldn't pay me to have toddlers again! I don't miss that stage in the slightest. They are extremely cute but it's just unbelievably hard work and you can lose yourself.

If you try a hoarder charity and he still won't listen or cooperate, please please LTB.

Talk to Citizens Advice about your housing options and benefit entitlement. If you leave him, you should be able to apply for social housing as well as Income Support, Child Tax Credits and Housing Benefit. You will also be entitled to child maintenance from him, as PPs have said.

I think you'll feel a million times better when you're out of that horrible cluttered house and you have a home that your DD can run around it. Then you could think about playgroups and maybe finding suitable childcare, and/or a new job that's more compatible with childcare, so you can go back to work.

Have you told him that if things don't change, or at least if he doesn't activity engage with help, you will leave? I can't tell from this whether he is abusive but he clearly needs help as hoarding is a mental health issue.

If you are certain you want to leave, why do you have to stay in such an expensive area if you don't work there and have no family or friends? Can't you move closer to family? Is it so your dd can still be close to her dad? In which case he will need to support you to stay in the area.

I have a very active 14 month old. I also can't take him to baby groups which require sitting on laps, staying still but take him to lots of church groups, are there any of these near you? I can essentially leave him to wander around, play with toys, etc and they're usually 50p or similar. Also swimming and lots of walks, park visits, etc whatever the weather. We don't have a TV so not much to do at home and I'm also learning to drive but do use public transport to go further afield. I have found getting into a good routine has helped a lot. So we have a group in the morning, lunch and 2 hour nap at home and then park/walk/swimming in afternoon and then dinner and bed.

Don't feel guilty about socialisation as well. At 18 months they really don't need baby friends and won't get much from playdates. If it makes you feel better most houses of toddlers I have been to have been pretty messy anyway so I don't think anyone would judge.

I hope it goes well with the hv and your dh gets the support he needs.

I totally get why your DD can't go in other rooms and that that situation would be hard for you...

But I was trying to point out that a stairgate in your living room doorway would be a quick fix to you actively having to keep her there or bringing her back in there.

Mostly because I have no advice about the big issue, but, you mentioned several times about having to spend a lot of time doing that...and that's an easy thing to do that would make a difference.

Well done
There is only so much you can do to save him.

There is a lot you can do to save you and dd. She is little and change now is fine e.g. living elsewhere and visiting dad.

Not the same but when I had my DD we were still renovating our house after 3 years which meant it was a complete shit tip. I thought I had PND, turns out I just hated being in that house. My DH didn't get until we watched something like DIY SOS where he saw the mental effect it had on the SAHM in the programme. Our house got pretty quickly finished after that. Maybe he doesn't get what it's like day in, day out so is unwilling to try?

Obviously you need to tackle the hoarding but in the short term could you put hook and eye locks on the 'unsafe' rooms so at least you wouldn't constantly be having to call after your LO when she goes off to explore.
I'd also invest in some big plastic sheets so you can do some messy play/painting/playdough etc without ruining your carpet. That should make the rainy days go a bit quicker.