Just need to let it out, I dont enjoy being a mum :(

[31weeksgone]

Aibu?

Bit of backstory. Have a toddler, 18 months or so. She's gorgeous. We live somewhere with no garden up a flight of stairs, so it's a struggle getting in/out up/down a flight of stairs with pushchair and baby bags and toddler and the bloody sink etc..

partner works away quite a lot, so I'm here a lot of the time on my own, and I don't have any friends or family in the area, and I find it hard to make any because I fear they'll want to come back here and I'm so ashamed of this house. Been trying to get partner to move for months if not years but no luck.

So when it's a rainy day like today, we're stuck inside this bloody tiny house, only the living room to play in. Can't ever have water play or messy play as all carpet and old type furniture. Unless I go to the park everyday she hasn't got anywhere to run around, but she's SUCH an active child. We've had to stop some baby classes because she won't sit still and join in, she just runs riot.

The lovely mums at a toddler group we go to last Tuesday made sure I sat down and told me to rest because she's "such a busy baby" and she never stops, I'm honestly exhausted

She sleeps well at night, is a delightful child really but I'm finding this situation exhausting. It's the calling her name constantly saying come back, back into this tiny living room. Im not even sure if it's being a mum I don't enjoy, or if I'd enjoy it living somewhere else.

I feel like I'm stunting her development by cramping her in a tiny house when we're at home, putting the tv on to keep her still in 1 place for 10 minutes, or not having little friends of hers round. I don't know. I just needed somewhere to write this all down, I take her out daily to the park or baby group most days, but when it rains like today I'm just at a loss as what to do. Feel so bad for her

I sometimes feel I'd be happier just at work, or sometimes just want an hour to myself to read Facebook or just have a cup of tea. I think I'm all babied out, after 18 months with no time away from her except some driving lessons maybe that would help?

Sorry for the pity party, like I said, just needed to confess the awful fact that I'm not enjoying motherhood at the moment and I feel such awful guilt for that

I think you need to re-title your post "My partners severe mental health issue is making my life really difficult."

No advice really except that I firmly believe that some people (and I am one of them) need to be exercised daily like dogs do. It sounds like your Dd is one of them. So start with the mindset "we go out whatever the weather and if we get wet then we get wet" and go from there.

I'm sure I'm not the only one to say but as an unmarried SAHM with the main family asset not in your name and a partner whose mental health issues are severe enough that eventually you may have to leave him for the sake of your dd's health and safety, you are in a very vulnerable position.

I think you are right to issue that ultimatum. I have read that hoarders find it incredibly difficult to change, even if they want to. It doesn't sound like he wants to at the moment.

Good lord OP, your problem is your partner. You poor thing.

Why not post on the Mental Health board? This is a proper issue that needs treatment.

I would adopt a school-marm attitude whenever he tries to feed you the "it's normal" line though. Who gives a shit what his mother says? I'd be quietly throwing things away, to be honest, or simply saying "I have booked a skip and a removalist to clear the spare bedroom this week"

I'm not sure how I change my thread title? Sorry but it is still true that I'm not enjoying being a mum, but i think it is down to where I'm living.

If I had somewhere to go I would of left by now, I secretly hoping it gets better but probably need to face facts it won't. When he cleared her whole bedroom and she then got a perfect nursery I thought it would be ok, but nothing's been done since then. I believe our relationship would work if we just started a fresh in a new house, but if it doesn't happen by the end of the year I'm facing facts and moving out.

God knows where I'll go I've been "'secretly" saving money and paying off all overdrafts, and have no loans or debt or anything so literally just need to save save save I suppose and get my car before we leave if we leave I suppose it's not secret, we split the income after bills 50/50 and I've been saving my half.

I didn't realise so many people would be sympathetic. I think he's told me I'm the one with the problem so many times I've just gotten on with it, but it's NOT normal. And he needs to see this. I'm really hoping the health visitor could come round and say something about social services saying it's not suitable for her to live here and it'll give him a kick up the backside. (Although slightly scared at that, because I would never let any harm come to her ever, that's why I'm always watching her and exhausting myself, putting her back in the safe rooms etc)

I've tried the throwing it away for him strategy, he told me I was crazy and had no right, I wasn't of sound mind etc etc. He turns it round on me whe all I did was throw some dead plants away!

Such a shitty situation.

He sounds abusive.

Ds is a similar age and it's tough. We've just been to the zoo (literally five minutes away so I got a season ticket) and he kept doing the boneless toddler flop and sitting down. I ended up carrying him as I had no pushchair or sling with me (long story). He weighs 2 stone... then we came home and he had a tantrum because I wouldn't let him shut the car door on me while I was getting stuff out. Then dh complained because he's working from home and was being disturbed. He has no fucking idea, he really doesn't.

So not much advice but a lot of empathy from over here! You're doing definitely not the only one that struggles at times.

this - I think you need to re-title your post "My partners severe mental health issue is making my life really difficult."

get some therapy for you and counselling for you.
if you cant live like this it is ok to leave / to live separately.

for a better life with your dd
she can still visit dad and see him.
but you can rent a nice small flat with a patio garden.

you cannot cure him or stop him hoarding only he can...it is sad but it is now impacting your life and your dd. it is making you ill.

so get informed, find out how you can live elsewhere eg renting, housing benefit, working and make the move.

you could say to him, it is until he sorts himself out.
he may do or he may not.

but if he doesn't then you and dd can have a nice life while she can continue to see him. but not suffer it day after day.

read depression fallout - or the equivalent for carers of hoarders.
it is not easy to live with someone with a mental illness and as you have no rights to the house or financial status if you are not married
then there is no reason for you to continue to live there

he's told me I'm the one with the problem so many times

typical for someone to blame someone else easier than taking action

I've just gotten on with it, but it's NOT normal.

no it is not

And he needs to see this.

he wont unless he wants to or can - it is an illness

I'm really hoping the health visitor could come round and say something about social services

why wait for someone? you know it is impacting you and dd.
you don't need someone to say anything you have the power to take steps to move out and live nearby but in your own place.
you are not forced to live there with DD
you are choosing to do so and you have a choice to make

in any case the situation wont change overnight, it could take months or years even if he does get the help he needs to begin to de-hoard.
so make a move
take steps
look for somewhere to rent nearby.

you have your life and that of dd in your hands. you can make changes yourself. you dont need a hv or SS to tell you. you know it.

what you cannot do is make the changes he needs to make for him.

Being a mum is a tough job...

But don't let the rain put you of with doing stuff.. you can do indoor stuff like take LO to the library, indoor shopping mall, museum, family and friends houses.

It can be difficult I was getting quite agitated being at home all the time with a. Demanding toddler and then I thought I don't want to hate this time and need to take a step back and just relax and enjoy every moment because I thought in the future I will regret it.

Yes it is hard definetly the hardest job you will ever do but try and enjoy it,.. now I have two under 20 months.

I am enjoying It. I will take them both out on the morning and tire the toddler out and he has a nap during the afternoon

Hopefully ur situation improves.. are you able to have a break and ask family/friends to have your LO or are you able to move so you are not living at a place with so many stairs causing more stress when leaving and coming back to your home?

I thought if the health visitor came round it might finally kick him into taking action and see if he does start making changes, if he doesn't I will finally know.

I know I could leave but financially I'm not sure how I would. I don't want to take any of his house, I'm not interested it isn't mine, and at the same time I have no income to rent. If I stay and we resolve it we could have a lovely house and nice upbringing for DD, but if we don't I don't know how I'm going to manage. I live in one of most expensive areas of south west England, housing benefit doesn't even cover rent, might have to move away etc. I need to sit down and have a good look into it, perhaps I'll go to citizens advice. Thank you for all your help

Yes I agree pre schools snd personally I would book a skip, warm him in advance snd then get rid.

If he could clear the nursery that sounds like he's just lazy and not a proper hoarder

And to add op any mum can identify with the monotony and exhaustion of toddlers you are not alone

he wont change. not if a hv says something or you do.
why should he?
you have not left. nothing changes.

he might do something if you leave - [so maybe you agree to come back after few months]
or he might not.
only one way to find out.

if you leave he has to provide child maintenance for the child.
go to child maintenance options work out how much minimum as % of his salary
dont dither any more it is affecting your health.

"I've tried the throwing it away for him strategy, he told me I was crazy and had no right, I wasn't of sound mind etc etc. He turns it round on me"

OP, I'll say it again: schoolmarm.

Him: "You threw away my stuff?! You're crazy!"
You: (calm, clear voice) "No darling, I am of perfectly sound mind. I'm worried about your mental state, but in the meantime I have to look after DD." And walk away.

You are considering leaving this man. So what is the worst that can happen if you take steps to improve the house? Would he throw you out?

Your dh needs help with his issues but you also need to get out more.
Swimming is a great rainy day option - can you not get there by walking or bus?
If you can't get around by public transport then there's another reason to consider if you want to stay living where you are?

In the meantime, hire a van and a storage locker and get that shit out of your living space.

I agree about the van/storage space. You can't throw stuff away perhaps but you could clear more room for play.

If I did throw away all of his stuff he would kick us out, but probably try and keep my DD here because I have nowhere to go, no family or friends near here.

We do go out everyday, it's just such an effort and sometimes you just want a chilled out day at home. Seeing the HV tomorrow to see what she suggests/moves on from here/if she can do anything to help. Thank you for all helpful comments

I can't see how moving will help. If he's a hoarder he will just hoard in the new home.

It sounds like this is your main problem.

As for your little one, it's hard. I agree go out whatever the weather. Stick her wellies on and go the park anyway and let her splash about. You could do that twice a day just to get her out. Can she do messy play/painting/playdough at the kitchen table? Mine used to love that. If she's an active child, the tv won't hold her attention for long.

Also re your relationship you don't have to do anything overnight but ask yourself if you actually want to be with him and take it from there. Maybe you would be happier in your own home with your little one.

Btw since having children ten years ago, I have never managed a 'chilled out day at home.' Sorry I think that's unrealistic. My dc still need to get out every day as it's such a long day in the house and everyone gets stir crazy.

I haven't read the whole thread, but just want to suggest getting a HomeStart volunteer, in addition to everyone else's excellent ideas. They can be absolutely lovely, and might make a genuine difference.

I'm hugely sympathetic - it sounds like you have some pretty major issues with your DP and I'm not surprised it's getting you down.

But practically - I'm not understanding why you're having to spend time and effort keeping your DD in the living room? As in I understand why she can't have free access to the whole house and yes it's for a completely different reason, but most toddlers don't have free access to the whole house.

It's fairly normal to have stairgates in living room doorways so that toddlers can't get to kitchens, bathrooms, front doors or stairs.

Why are you having to spend so much time getting her back in the living room?