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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don't want collegue holding baby

69 replies

CabbagePatchKid91 · 14/05/2017 14:58

DD is just over three weeks old. I want to take her into work to show her off and let my class see her (NOT TOUCH). I don't mind other adults holding her at all. BUT my the lady who was my teaching assistant is a big time smoker. My dad also smokes and I have no issue with it in general. But my dad changes clothes before holding DD if he has had a cigarette. I know my former TA will say something about cuddling the baby and I feel anxious about this. I have no issue with any of my other friends at work holding her as none of them smoke but feel it would be mean if I let some hold her and not one person. Any advice on what I can say to my former TA would be appreciated.

OP posts:

AliceByTheMoon · 14/05/2017 15:28

Oh and yes- if it is a school then there will be germs everywhere! use that as an excuse if you have to!

ShuttyTown · 14/05/2017 15:30

scoobydooagain · 14/05/2017 15:34

Don't take her in then, sorry to be blunt but everyone else if probably not that fussed if you take her in.

anon1987 · 14/05/2017 15:36

My newborn survived sepsis, swollen liver, dehydration, toxic poisoning (due to metabolic disorder) kidney problems, severe jaundice.
I'm pretty sure your baby will survive being held by a smoker for 1 minute.
I think you have paranoia. I had it after my first born, I would even cross the road if someone looked abit grubby.

TheGentleMoose · 14/05/2017 15:38

Just so you know your Dad isn't helping by changing clothes - it will still be on his skin, hair etc. the floors, the walls, the kitchen surfaces - that's all third-hand smoke. The most dangerous part of third-hand smoke is babies ingesting it through putting objects into their mouths.

ParadiseCity · 14/05/2017 15:40

Congrats on your baby! I detest smoking. Make something up if you feel happier -
something like 'sorry x cuddles are for non smokers only, I've already upset Y (insert fictional neighbour), she was round when the midwife called and I got a real bollocking for letting a smoker hold the baby'.

Or just tell the truth and tough shit to her. But either way you won't have a smoky smelling baby.

Libitina · 14/05/2017 15:41

Your baby, your rules

I hate that phrase.

OP, I'd be more concerned about unwashed hands touching my baby than a smoker tbh. If you do let people hold her or touch her face, please make them wash their hands first.

elephantcuddles · 14/05/2017 15:49

Third hand smoke is a thing. Look it up to those of you who are saying "oh that can't do much damage" blah blah. It really irritates me when people take on this attitude. I have a heart condition and I've done a lot of research on second hand and third hand smoke. I wouldn't let a smoker hold my baby (when I have a baby one day)... third hand smoke gets on clothing, in hair, on the hands of a smoker, in curtains, carpets, in WALLS.

And pirates, what is your point, exactly? I doubt OP directly hired her teaching assistant. She probably had no control over that. Babies are more sensitive to everything as their immune systems are only beginning to develop! It's not ideal for anyone to be around third hand smoke, but honestly, the OP probably had no say in the hiring of that assistant.The only thing she can do is protect her baby.

I know it may come off as socially unacceptable or whatever and people want to remain polite to others, but smokers are impolite to those around them when they expose non-smokers to it. I'm just fed up. I think people should just come out with it. "Sorry, but I would prefer my baby not be exposed to your third hand smoke."

I agree with the suggestion of keeping her in a carry cot or sling instead of passing her around.

elephantcuddles · 14/05/2017 15:51

Exactly what thegentlemoose said ^^

AliceByTheMoon · 14/05/2017 15:51

Exactly - the baby's immune system is still vulnerable. Perfect reason alone to not go anywhere for a bit.

NotYoda · 14/05/2017 15:53

I really think 3 weeks is very young to be taking a baby in , for many people, especially when you are anxious. Most people at my school wait until the baby is several months old

NavyandWhite · 14/05/2017 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

milliemolliemou · 14/05/2017 15:54

Grief. If you're a teacher or TA (whatever your class is) I'd just ask your health visitor about the health risks. You can either choose to take DC to show off before your maternal immunity runs out at approx 8 weeks or leave it till after the 8 week vaccinations, if that's what you're worried about, or just say a no-touch rule. I don't see asking a heavy smoker to put on cover as your Dad does is going to be great nor efficacious. Are you going to ask all the kids to be swabbed for measles/encaphilitis/meningitis? As for aerial contamination, that's probably more of a worry in the long run.

Jaxhog · 14/05/2017 15:58

Your baby, your choice!

Cantusethatname · 14/05/2017 15:59

I'm with elephantcuddles. If you choose to smoke, as is your right, you also have to accept that not everyone will choose to be near you.
Personally I don't think TAs should smoke at any point during the working day and that they should come to school with fresh breath and hair and clothes that do not smell. My DS hates a particular smoking TA helping him as he says she stinks. He puts his arm round his work and curls himself away to get as far away as possible from her.
I have let the school SENCO know that this is why he doesn't want her near him. Your baby can't speak yet so you will have to speak for her. Just say, "sorry, my baby can't be held by smokers."

Jaxhog · 14/05/2017 15:59

Btw, smokey smell rubs off on clothes rather easily. I wouldn't want that either. But I'd also keep my babe away from ANY strong smelling people.

Trifleorbust · 14/05/2017 16:02

Piratesandpants

Not true at all. The OP doesn't control who is allocated to work in the classroom with her. That isn't her call, whereas this is.

LittlePeonie · 14/05/2017 16:07

Its a mother's primal instinct!!!!

When my son was a couple of weeks old, a friend of the family came round, and held my baby and started swirling round with him.

I remember sitting there, feeling really strange. Kind of angry and panicky at the same time and wanting to get my baby back!!!!

It really is a mother's instinct. Honestly!!!! you don't want anyone holding your baby for more than a second (unless its family and its done the right way).

Honestly, don't bring your baby around to offices and stuff! Its a really special time!!!! .

LookAtAllTheBullshit · 14/05/2017 16:08

A couple of points, as babies have poor vision when born they have an enhanced sense of smell until vision catches up, so if this TA smells of stale tobacco your baby may not like it but it's unlikely to cause harm.
A babies respiratory rate is higher than an adults to around the equivalent of smoking 1 cigarette near a baby gives the passive smoking effect of 10 to the baby-but assuming the TA isn't going to have a fag on over the babies face.
It takes around 25 minutes after smoking a cigarette for the smoker to stop breathing out toxic fumes.
If TA hasn't smoked in that time and only smells of stale tobacco then health wise it should be fine.

TheGentleMoose · 14/05/2017 16:11

"Personally I don't think TAs should smoke at any point during the working day"

And what about every other profession that comes into contact with children?

LittlePeonie · 14/05/2017 16:24

honestly, I think the smoking thing's a weird red herring.

its your baby!

Cantusethatname · 14/05/2017 16:25

TheGentleMoose - if you mean GPs, paediatric nurses, neo natal nurses, nursery nurses, nannies - I don't think any of them should be allowed to smoke during the working day nor should they smell of smoke.

shockthemonkey · 14/05/2017 16:26

You say you're doing everything by the book. What book says that a two-minute cuddle with this TA will harm your baby? Unless we've not quite grasped the amount she smokes level of fumes that will be coming off her. I do agree with those saying it's too early/you're not quite ready for this.

user1493022461 · 14/05/2017 16:28

Don't bring your baby into work then. It's far too young anyway. Not to mention disruptive and a bit odd. Why do people bring their babies into work when they are off on leave?

Verbena37 · 14/05/2017 16:28

If your baby was breathing in second hand smoke I'd understand it but if you go in just before lunch, then she won't have had a cigarette for about an hour, if she did have one at playtime, and therefore, a bit of a smokey smell isn't going to harm your baby.

Once you're home, you can give her a full bath.

Other than that, I'd be much more worried about taking a 3 week old into a school when there is slap cheek, chicken pox and a host of other annual germs making the rounds.
The smoke is the actually the least of your worries. I would actually wait until she is about 8 weeks after first jabs before taking her in and just email a picture for now.

You could always say you're trying to establish breastfeeding so don't want to take her in at the moment.

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