Work colleagues

[myusernameisnotmyusername]

DP has suggested I post for some perspective as he can't see my problem. I have been in my job for six months and took over from someone who was really close to my colleagues. This person left a lot of mess behind which I have obviously had to speak about but have tried my best to be diplomatic about. I consider myself to have a good relationship with them too and when I started they said I fit in, was great at the job and they wanted me to stick around. The thing I'm confused about is that one of them added me on Facebook so a couple of months later when a new person joined and added all of us I added 3 of the others I work with most closely as I saw they were friends with her. They rejected my request. They openly talk about stuff they posted making no reference to my friend request. There was talk of going for lunch last week. No one openly invited me but they talked about it in front of me. On the day they said they weren't sure where they were going so I took it as it was a relaxed invite and went with them but as there were five of us they said to follow on in my car as the other 4 were going in my colleague's. It's quite difficult to explain in text but I got the feeling they weren't bothered if I came but I was tagging along. I ended up wishing I'd had the indifference to just say no I'm not bothered about going. One of the colleagues decided just before that she wasn't going but I hadn't said I was at this point so I'm not if she just didn't feel like it or it was because I was. We all have lots of banter in the office and they do take the piss out of me but they do it with each other too. They do get a bit funny if I'm a few minutes late due to school run as they're all in really early in the morning. But they are genuinely friendly with me too. Sometimes I go off on my own at lunch to read my book and I know they think people who sit in their car at lunch etc are weird and antisocial. I just don't know if I have a problem with big groups of people or if I should just take it as it comes and step away from these people a bit. For background in my last job a woman bullied me really badly and tried to leave me out of stuff although the others still included me. Also I do suffer with anxiety and so am more alert to this kind of stuff than others might be hence why I wanted to get some perspective. Thanks if you've made it this far!

It's not unreasonable to go off by yourself. It's only unreasonable to complain about them asking you to sit with them and then complaining that they are not friendly enough.
From your posts they sound like perfectly normal, averagely friendly colleagues. I can't see what you have to complain about at all.

In 'err Victorian times, it was said n'eer mix work and pleasure now the modern day version of that is is stay off bloody social Meejia;!(

Ok I get what you are saying but it's a bit petty anyway. So we all go on break together. They all ask each other and then don't say anything to me. They used to but I had to stop going for a bit as I was making up time for a day off I had to have due to lack of childcare that my boss offered I could make up time for as I had no holiday left. Maybe it's a coincidence my colleague complained at the same time that she wasn't getting paid for time off sick. Then they stopped saying 'are you coming on break'. I don't need to be asked anyway because we do all go for break at the same time and I do go with them. And there is no problem but it's another example of the pettiness which goes on. So then the same thing happens with lunch. Sometimes if you're busy you'll go a bit later so I sometimes just went and read my book. It's like one strike and you don't get asked anymore.

Your post is very confusing and giving off mixed signals.

You weren't bothered about facebook until someone else added you and you realised they were friends with everyone. Why did that mean you then needed to add them?

Two decline your invite, which is sucky, but that doesn't mean they cannot talk about facebook when you are around.

The lunch thing. You invited yourself. Again, just because they were speaking about it around you it doesn't mean you are invited and you shouldn't invite yourself. Tbh they were very polite in saying that you could come along, as you weren't part of the initial plans. You then gave off the indifferent vibe about being there.

You are late to work. It doesn't matter if it's 5 minutes or 15 minutes. Late is late.

You want to be left alone at lunch time and seem to have an issue with them being more social but are then complaining about them socialising with you.

Bloody hell.

Well that I can see from their point of view. If they ask you to come on a break and you say no or can't or go to another room, I can see that they'd stop asking after a while. It would seem that they think you are less interested in being 'friends'.

I really think you're over thinking this. They are doing nothing wrong. They haven't done anything to suggest they don't like you. You're beginning to sound a wee bit paranoid

There is no pettiness there (other than your own). They used to ask you, then you stopped going, so they stopped asking you. Why would they keep asking you when you kept saying no?
You sound oversensitive and this is probably apparent to them. They can't win whatever they do, so they have stopped trying.
It's not them, OP, its you.

You can turn on different privacy settings on Facebook so different groups of people see different posts so you should look into that rather than taking them off.

I recently went through a similiar situation got to pally with a couple of ladies one moved in with me - total disaster she ended up one night coming home after something happened on her night out telling me she doesn't trust me and she can't tell me because I will blab to everyone...when I asked what made her think that she just shrugged her shoulders and when I said that really hurt me to hear she doesn't trust me she said she didn't care...friendship was over at that point I am not the type of person who would ever do that and if she don't trust me fuck it. Plus to insult me in my own house was beyond repair.

Its made work a little hard, as they are on the same floor as me, luckily not same team, but only hard in the sense when people on the floor go for drinks they always do and they make the atmosphere awkward for me doing stupid things like taking people away from me when I am in a group conversation.

To be honest I don't miss the nights out, I'm not a big drinker and so instead of pissing my moeny away I now use it to do things I want to do like taking cooking classes, trying horseriding etc.

I think its key to focus on your life outside of work. My immediate team are super tight they go on holidays together but then again they have worked with each for over 7 years so its expected they will have close bonds. I stay on friendly terms but I do keep work and life seperate now. Recently there was some poor work and the manager was clearly not happy, the team just sat there laughing in his face about how he was ranting - very disrespetful I thought so it does go to show that being over friendly can back fire.

Why would they keep asking you when you kept saying no?

The point is I had to say no to make up the time. And I said that at the time. Maybe I am being over sensitive and that's why I posted. I don't go as much because sometimes the banter can be a bit much and in my anxiety fuelled mind I can get quite sensitive about it. I think this post has shown me that I do get on with them but I don't need to or maybe even want to be best friends with them. I just wanted to get some clarity on the situation and I have now so thanks everyone.

You then gave off the indifferent vibe about being there.

When did I say this?

I'm not on FB but there's an acquaintance level you can apply, or so I understand from DH? I would use that for the two work people.

Sympathies as well - I'm in a cliquey office at the moment and much prefer places where people are a little more independent of each other.

I think the point is to just stop caring. Go to lunch when you feel like it and go off with your book when you don't. Take any ensuimg bantet on the chin aand laugh it off.

So far, the topic has been 'they don't owe you friendship, lunch' blah blah but then nor do you owe them.

Don't put them on a pedestal and don't feel you have to jump through hoops . Just relax and it will be easier.

Thank you Gandalf. You talk a lot of sense

Also it may be helpful to you to look at it from another angle.

You tried not to step on any toes re their old colleague even though difficult at times.

You did pop along to lunch to make an effort but they were a bit rude and unwelcoming, going off in another car and went ott on the banter even when they didn't really know you which is a big no no at work . You went and jt was a bit crap and you found you weren't missing out after all

You tried to explain nicely why you weren't joining them after dropping heavy hints you were weird and antisocial but they still didn't get it.

You tried op. Not your fault

Ha ha. That is brilliant! I'm saving that for whenever the shit gets me down!

They weren't rude and unwelcoming, they were the opposite.

Do people really have such unreasonable expectations of colleagues? You do't particular want to be friends with them, but you want them to want to be friends with you.

No they're not rude and unwelcoming but sometimes they are in their little group and don't see people on the outside so much. We're all guilty of that.

Well, I think going off in another car was. I would have probably taken in that way because it definitely wouldn't have happened where I work with a newcomer.

You know, when i stopped fawning over people like this, i also stopped being treated like this. I am trying to help op.

I don't think making out that op must try harder still and that she's imagining it is going to make anything better. Either theyll like her or they don't .

I think we are very good at picking up on this sort of vibe but, unfortunately, we are better at talking ourselves out of it too

You are right because when I started I was a lot more chilled out and they were friendlier towards me. I think I have been trying too hard of late and I need to realise that I haven't necessarily done anything wrong sometimes things just happen and you have to back off.

I think they do 'like' me but I probably have been a bit intense. And I always tell dd when she is getting upset over various best friends not wanting to play with her she should go and play with someone else. Should take my own advice!

I had something similar OP but I am pretty confident and was able to shrug it off - though it really hurt. I work in a school and am late 40s. We have always had staff social things and no one has ever been excluded. However, 4 20 somethings arrived and the bullying began. They would talk non- stop about their plans - no problem with that. I was going home to a husband and 2 kids so no desire for boozy nights out. However, they began including others, one or two at a time, all the while doing so in front of me.

What hurt most was very long-standing friends and colleagues getting sucked in.

It ended with a Christmas party deliberately booked with limited seats which they filled up before I coukd sign up.

Keep your head held high. Go if you are asked, and you want to. Don't otherwise.

But, maybe try to set something up occasionally where you do the inviting. Or bring in a cake or something. Make it clear that you are open, and friendly and retain the moral high ground. Guaranteed, things will improve.

My trump card was a huge party we were having for DH's birthday. I invited everyone - young and old. And made sure they were very publicly invited. This was 2 weeks after the awful Christmas party. Oh, how I enjoyed inviting them and knowing how it would make them feel that 200+ people were going, they had been invited but their open vileness meant they would miss out. We had an amazing band too.

None of them came - thank god - but they stopped after that and, if they did carry on socialising together, they did it without openly excluding me.

I wondered how long it would be before someone started talking about bullying.

Such a vastly overused word on MN. OP is not being bullied. Very few people who complain about bullies are being bullied!

Gandalf is spot on and I was going to say the same. When I was a teen I was subject to continuous low level bullying - exclusion, jibes dressed up as jokes etc. I really wanted to stay part of a friendship group I was being Wendied out of and was coming across very needy.

I was very ill over the Summer holidays with septicaemia and spent several weeks in hospital. I learned to enjoy my own company, the staff all thought I was lovely and it gave me a real confidence boost that I needed to see I had value outside of this group. I returned to school with virtually no friends and basically what can only be termed as 'not giving a shit' about what others thought. It was GCSE year so I told myself I only needed to go in, do my work and go home again for 9 months and it would all be over. (Before social media - I don't know how it would have been if that had been around)

To my surprise, by the second week of the year everyone wanted to be my friend, and the Wendy wanted to draw me back into the group so that I didn't take her power away. But because I now had no interest in doing that I spent the year drifting between several groups of people on my terms and actually had a pretty good time.

Long story short, I have used this technique over the years any time I feel a group is a bit cliquey, exclusionary or snide. One example is the school mums - the Queen bee is a total social climber who can get literally nothing from me so often is quite dismissive. I give no shits about her and am friendly with others in the group and suddenly she's thrilled to see me and inviting DS for playdates and me to prosecco parties (which I go to every now and then, but don't make myself too available).

At work I just don't add anyone on social media. Ironically the people I would add don't have it! In my role I'm not there to make friends (pretty hard when you have to tell people all the errors they're making and retrain them) so I actually don't give a shit about being friends with colleagues. That makes me sound awful, but I'm nice and polite and tactful; and we have a great team dynamic and all get on. I think with work social media definitely can blur boundaries and leaves you wide open to office bitchiness, gossip and politics. It's never a good idea to give too much of yourself away and social media forces us to do that.

Play your cards close to your chest, value yourself and what you do and give no fucks what they think. As long as you know your worth and are confident in that, they will follow. Like Gandalf said - when you stop fawning over them they'll stop treating you badly.

I actually don't think we recognise bullying often enough and if employers and schools as well as other organisations ignore the low level stuff, then bullies move on to the more painful, darker stuff.

Any work environment where people are maliciously and deliberately making someone feel excluded, or belittled is one that warrants a closer look.