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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Work colleagues

80 replies

myusernameisnotmyusername · 14/05/2017 10:58

DP has suggested I post for some perspective as he can't see my problem. I have been in my job for six months and took over from someone who was really close to my colleagues. This person left a lot of mess behind which I have obviously had to speak about but have tried my best to be diplomatic about. I consider myself to have a good relationship with them too and when I started they said I fit in, was great at the job and they wanted me to stick around. The thing I'm confused about is that one of them added me on Facebook so a couple of months later when a new person joined and added all of us I added 3 of the others I work with most closely as I saw they were friends with her. They rejected my request. They openly talk about stuff they posted making no reference to my friend request. There was talk of going for lunch last week. No one openly invited me but they talked about it in front of me. On the day they said they weren't sure where they were going so I took it as it was a relaxed invite and went with them but as there were five of us they said to follow on in my car as the other 4 were going in my colleague's. It's quite difficult to explain in text but I got the feeling they weren't bothered if I came but I was tagging along. I ended up wishing I'd had the indifference to just say no I'm not bothered about going. One of the colleagues decided just before that she wasn't going but I hadn't said I was at this point so I'm not if she just didn't feel like it or it was because I was. We all have lots of banter in the office and they do take the piss out of me but they do it with each other too. They do get a bit funny if I'm a few minutes late due to school run as they're all in really early in the morning. But they are genuinely friendly with me too. Sometimes I go off on my own at lunch to read my book and I know they think people who sit in their car at lunch etc are weird and antisocial. I just don't know if I have a problem with big groups of people or if I should just take it as it comes and step away from these people a bit. For background in my last job a woman bullied me really badly and tried to leave me out of stuff although the others still included me. Also I do suffer with anxiety and so am more alert to this kind of stuff than others might be hence why I wanted to get some perspective. Thanks if you've made it this far!

OP posts:
Justaboy · 14/05/2017 11:31

Playground-v-office..

Whats the difference - if any;?.

myusernameisnotmyusername · 14/05/2017 11:31

Also if I now unfriend the two people I am friends with that will look really rude won't it? Especially as one of them is really nice and has never said anything bad to me at all Smile

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SuperFlyHigh · 14/05/2017 11:32

Never ever add anyone on FB who you work with and don't bother being overly pally with anyone either. At the end of the day you work with these people, end of story, no obligation for them or you to be friends.

ememem84 · 14/05/2017 11:33

I've got colleagues on fb. But I rarely post anything other than pictures of my dinner or cat. Or maybe something fun that I've been doing.

Never anything re other colleagues. Never anything too detailed about life etc. And absolutely never anything political.

myusernameisnotmyusername · 14/05/2017 11:33

Shots that is terrible. I think I'm fine then that I am working in a friendly environment at least.

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SuperFlyHigh · 14/05/2017 11:34

OP, if you defriend the people you work with just say you heard some stories about FB not being good for work colleagues, professionalism etc and think it's best you keep it professional.

Mermaidinthesea123 · 14/05/2017 11:35

I never get involved with people this closely at work, I'd certainly never have anyone from work on my facebook.
Be friendly but professional, work is not the place for emotions or cliques.

Katie6448 · 14/05/2017 11:36

They are being unkind to you and it's not on. I've worked in offices like that before and it's unpleasant to witness.

Wrt Facebook, that's not nice either. Although very little you can do about it. You don't need to keep Facebook separate from your work life. Some people have some very fixed ideas on this though (as shown on this thread). This is not your fault, it is them being petty, not you.

Sounds like they haven't let go of their former colleague and are taking it out on you.

myusernameisnotmyusername · 14/05/2017 11:36

Did the person leave of their own accord? Or were they pushed out for incompetency?
Bonkers they left of their own accord but no one realised what had mess they had made and the colleague who is their closest friend has also been left with some of their mess which I think has upset her too really.

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Hassled · 14/05/2017 11:40

I wouldn't defriend - that's making an issue out of a non-issue, and you say you like one of the FB people. Just leave it. And it doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong except maybe giving off a bit of a desperate "like me, like me" vibe, which we've all probably been guilty of. Just try and detach a bit - they're colleagues, not necessarily also friends - if they invite you somewhere go along, otherwise just do your own thing. And 6 months isn't really that long if they've been working together for a while - stay professional and pleasant and gradually I think you'll be included more.

dataandspot · 14/05/2017 11:40

Shots

How did you deal with that?

myusernameisnotmyusername · 14/05/2017 11:41

I think just with how that woman was at my last work I'm just wondering if it's me if I'm a really annoying person or something! I also think sometimes they don't like the fact I will go off on my own at lunch and read my book and they want everyone to hang around with them!

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myusernameisnotmyusername · 14/05/2017 11:43

Sorry that crossed with you Hassled! What you have said makes a lot of sense. I feel a lot more confident to carry it on now with everyone's response on this. I think I am a bit of a people pleaser and I'm going to back off a bit.

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stuntcamel · 14/05/2017 11:44

There's a difference between being on good terms and friendly with colleagues during the working day, and being actual friends. You might need to separate the two. Just because you work together, doesn't mean that you need to be friends with them as well. Take a step back.

EllieMentry · 14/05/2017 11:45

Sorry things are difficult with your colleagues. It's a horrible feeling.

The FB one is tricky. I'm in a big office where everyone is friends with each other on FB. I've had three friend requests from colleagues, which I've accepted (not wanting to offend) but I haven't made any myself and no more have been forthcoming.

I like the people I'm FB 'friends' with, but would actually feel more comfortable if they weren't privy to my (rare) posts so will try to work out how to adjust my privacy settings for them.

It's a friendly office, but clearly the FB thing means that I'm being filtered in some way! Or I have offended by not making friend requests. Either way, I prefer to keep work and friendships separate so am not too bothered.

Shots, that is awful. Horrible, bullying behaviour.

PuppyMonkey · 14/05/2017 11:45

Remember also that six months is actually not that long in the job, your relationships with colleagues have only really just started.

I remember being a a bit Hmm about some colleagues in the early days of my last job who over time have become close friends.

Relax and get on with your work and be a team player, the relationships will develop - and if you don't become massively close, just let it go and enjoy the job, enjoy your own home life, it's all fine.

EllieMentry · 14/05/2017 11:47

Sorry - forgot to say the point of my post which was to up your privacy settings with your colleagues on FB rather than defriend them, which could be awkward.

Busytwo · 14/05/2017 11:48

I started a new job this year. Again replaced a treasured colleague. Although outwardly pleasant to me, I am not included, everybody went off to a 90s night on Friday and they were busy planning it at our training day, nobody even said "Did you want come?" but as others said it is work, I did feel a bit hurt, did I actually want to go? No, so I just smiled and nodded and planned something extra nice for myself when I got home.
I think you do need to keep your two worlds separate, I enjoy my job, I am doing it well, people are not unpleasant, end of, do not create extra worries that don't need to be.
I have had good friendships from jobs in the past, i met my best friend at work twenty years ago but those friendships happen naturally when things just click you cant expect or engineer a new social group of friends. I am grateful and happy for a good job that enables me to have a good life outside work anything else is a bonus.

LakieLady · 14/05/2017 11:48

May I offer a little tip about Facebook? Keep it for your personal life.

Absolutely. A colleague of mine has just been busted for skiving on an epic scale after comments she made on FB.

user1493022461 · 14/05/2017 11:57

I also think sometimes they don't like the fact I will go off on my own at lunch and read my book and they want everyone to hang around with them!

You can' have it both ways. You complain they aren't friendly enough to you, but when they are and they want to share lunch with you, you go off on your own and complain about them wanting to share lunch with you!
You went off to lunch with them but didn't really want to be there, which was probably obvious. You're gving off enough mixed signals just on this thread, god knows what you;re giving off to them.

myusernameisnotmyusername · 14/05/2017 12:05

Hmm that may have come across a bit wrong then (it's hard to explain in writing). We have a little canteen but it's sometimes too full for everyone to sit in. So if it's full I'll go somewhere else and read my book rather than hang around waiting for a space. One of them did say to me you should've waited around but I just explained because we only get half hour I went in another room. I have said sometimes I'll read my book because it is the only chance I get all day what with child drop offs and pick ups so I have explained I'm not being rude etc. I don't think it's unreasonable to have half hour away when u are sat in the same office all day. Maybe that's what they think about me so maybe I also picked up on that and am trying to 'protect myself' by making the decision. Who knows.

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myusernameisnotmyusername · 14/05/2017 12:06

And when we went for lunch I joined in and had a good laugh and let them speak when they were so I'm sure I didn't make it look like I didn't want to be there.

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ememem84 · 14/05/2017 12:06

I have also busted a colleague for skiving - idiot posted "so hungover from yesterday (Sunday) cba to get to work today - sickie time" totally forgetting that we were fb friends. I screenshotted it and asked him the next day to produce a Drs note.

myusernameisnotmyusername · 14/05/2017 12:07

What happened there then?

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RedSkyAtNight · 14/05/2017 12:09

To me it just sounds like they are close friends with each other, but obviously hardly know you as you've just joined! i think you need to separate being friendly in a professional work based way from being their best mate - which you can't force! Nor can you expect to be part of the group when you've only just arrived.

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