To not want my SIL's parents to my birthday get together

[FoofooLeSnoo]

I'm planning a small get together for my birthday, just my parents, siblings and their families. I would like to invite the in laws, however the problem is my BIL and SIL live with her parents, therefore the whole lot end up coming. We've got a tiny house so It just seems a bit much really that they come as a package these days. Why can't I just have BIL, SIL and their kids without the in laws. I feel it's a bit rude too, or am I being a misery? I do like them and they have been invited to our bigger parties before but I just wanted to keep it small this time.
DH thinks I'm being unreasonable and we've had a row about it!

Why do the whole lot come? Surely you just ask bil and sil? As adults presumably they understand an invitation?

Is BIL dhs bro?

Your birthday your choice, his birthday his choice.

They're adults so are old enough to go to a party without their parents. I stopped going to parties with my dcs when ds1 was 7 (he was a bit I confident,) and ds2 was 5.

Send cheesy party invites to just them. .

We have a similar problem. SIL and BIL live next door to PIL who have no concept that sometimes young couples want to spend time in the company of other young couples without them there too. Days out, birthdays, etc etc they all come together and would be mortally offended if left out. Puts a different take on getting together and as they get older we (understandably ) have cater for their reducing mobility, intolerance to cold and noise, need to eat at set times etc.
Sympathies.

I'd text them

Hi we like invite BIL SIL DN's to X party on Saturday for an small birthday celebration - RSVP

Astro's text idea is good, name the actual invitees.

On a related note, CPtart, arrange to have dinner at a restaurant, text them, "I've made reservations for 4 at 7:30. See you then."

It's your birthday so don't invite your DH's siblings.

does her [Sil's] parents come with her for everything ?

If they live with DH's parents I think that you should invite them all.

No BIL is her DH brother - his wife is SIL - she and him live with HER parents so not relation to OP

When you say SIL and BIL live with her parents - are they DH's parents as well. If so then I think it would be extremely rude to invite your parents, friends etc and not ILs - you seem ok about Sil BIL and their kids but not ILs - that would just be an extra 2 people!!

If this is right I'm not surprised you've had a row. It used to be the case that say husband's sister was my SIL but her DH wasn't my BIL but these days the partner of the BIL/SIL seem to be included in the ILs. Strange. Why can't you have justthe ILs and not Bil and SIL and children?

So if SIL's parents are no relation to OP why is calling them her ILs?

I would like to invite the in laws, however the problem is my BIL and SIL live with her parents

Why on earth should she invite the sil's parents just because they live in the same house? That's stupid. You don't invite siblings to a child's birthday, so why should the Op invite people she can barely know? Ridiculous.

In laws as in BIL and SIL i think

Yes, just to clarify BIL is DH's brother, and it's his wife's parents! Very confusing.

I don't understand the struggle with this. Her parents are not your family, just because SIL and BIL live at their house doesn't mean they must do everything together, surely?

I think you are overthinking it. I doubt the parents would expect to be invited at all, or find it rude that they were not.

that's very strange, so they aren't even related to you really

The trouble is, I could be quite plain in wording the invitation just to the BIL, SIL and their 2 kids. However, SIL is rather forthright and is very likely to say "oh, is it ok if my parents come?" I'm not very assertive so I'd end up having to say yes!

Oh OP I so feel your pain.

I also have a close relative who now frequently turns up to what should be small close family affairs with his bloody inlaws. Drives me up the fucking wall!! And I think it's so bloody rude as well but go some reason they just don't see it. There has even been times when I've not invited my in-laws because it's a small/casual thing but lo and fucking behold someone else's fucking in-laws turn up.

I end up just not inviting the family member with the in-laws.

I don't have any advance though. I guess the mature thing would be to just say 'I don't have the room or the food for extra guests'. But I've not been that brave yet.

Why is your husband so concerned/upset that you don't also want to ask her parents?

Right. Think you could have made your OP clearer. Given that it's BIL's wife parents they are not your ILs so strange you should refer to them in that way, Anyway of course you shouldn't have to invite BIL's wife's parents - they are no relation to you and why is DH so upset. What about your ILs - are they invited or maybe live too far away.

I don't think you are BU.

Some people just don't seem to have any sense of boundaries or common courtesy. I think it's your bil & sil who are of issue here - sounds like they've got stuck in a childish groove and have forgotten they're separate grownups now.

You could send the specific invitation by text, as already suggested. Or, maybe don't invite any of them and if they ask, say, you just wanted a small do. Maybe that will get them thinking about it??

I think you were perfectly clear OP. How annoying. Just stick with your side of the family if you're not up for saying anything, otherwise you'll just feel so resentful when they all turn up.