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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was it U to write this message in a card?

75 replies

Bubbinsmakesthree · 13/05/2017 09:03

Just sorting through a memory box with DH and we found the birth congratulations card from my DM when our PFB was born, which reignited a (fairly trivial) argument with DH over the message DM wrote in the card.

The card said "Many congratulations, especially to Bubbins" (i.e. Me, her DD).

DH took offence at this as he thinks it sounds like she was deliberately excluding/minimising him. I think it is simply acknowledging that actually physically giving birth is a big deal and DM is just acknowledging that.

Who is being U?

OP posts:

unapaloma · 13/05/2017 10:07

because that somewhat implies that a section is a non event when actually it can be difficult to recover from. However a baby is delivered, it's hard on the mother's body.
Ah yes, I remember that attitude - when I bumped into the woman who ran local NCT, with my larger than average newborn, after 28 hours in labour and a CS, the only thing she asked was 'did you manage it?', and looked very disappointed when she heard it had been a CS. Almost like I hadn't actually had a child at all in her view...

LittleGreyMeow · 13/05/2017 10:09

My mum calls me bubbins 😊And also suffers with foot in mouth on a very regular basis.

My mum would write something similar, she would be in fact referring to the extra work carried out by me, she would be very upset if she thought my DP was upset by it.

My DP would just laugh, likely make comment about the bubbins more than the fact he wasn't being congratulated as much your husband is looking for excuses to not like her or justify his not liking of her IMO by finding stuff to take offence too.

Be interested to know how old your DD is, because this happened a while ago from what you have said. Emotions & stress run high when your a new parent, for both parents, but if this is some years on and he is still suluking about it then he seems even more of an idiot.

Ratatatouille · 13/05/2017 10:11

Unapaloma somebody actually told me that I hadn't given birth because I had a section I obviously put them straight, very politely People can be twats.

LittleGreyMeow · 13/05/2017 10:14

About the bubbins, as I've never heard anyone else called it and was suddenly worried you may have a sister and feel you have been outed I only have a brother and he has never given birth 😊 And my mums an only child so no cousins 😊

user1493759849 · 13/05/2017 10:15

I guess anyone is within their rights to be sniffy and offended at anything they want to be sniffy over, but it's not worth causing a fuss over.

It's reminds me a bit of around a decade ago when me and DH bought a car, (we only had the one car then and shared it.) A week after we got it, I went to the beach with the kids, and DH's mate said to him 'did you let her drive it?!'

Now THAT fucked me off. I said, 'did he let me drive the car?' It's OUR car, not his.' And he said 'oooh, time of the month?'

Misogynistic cunt.

Also, when me and DH are shopping together, he likes to pack, and I have lost count of the amount of times some (usually middleaged) female checkout operator says 'got HIM well trained haven't you?' We used to say something back, but we just ignore the ignorant sexist bints now when they say it, and talk amongst ourselves. (Well, why shouldn't we? 2 out of 3 times we go to a checkout, the person serving is chatting to a colleague about fuck-all to do with work and ignoring us anyway!)

Back to the OP, the MIL would not have meant to demean the DH. It's like people getting sniffy and offended at the 'Black lives matter' thing, and saying 'ALL lives matter!' Saying black lives matter is not saying ONLY black lives matter. It's just saying the lives of black people are important and worth caring about; it's not saying that white people are irrelevant.

So praising the woman who has gone through the pregnancy and birth, is not ignoring or demeaning the father of the baby. And it's a bit precious to think it is. And let's face it, the woman DOES do all the work. All the man does is sit there, watch tv, look through his phone, read, and eat.

Devorak · 13/05/2017 10:16

@Ratatatouille

True, but nothing the OP said made him sound "irrationally jealous".

I have a feeling you're projecting a little? Don't you want to ask the OP if her husband is abusive in other ways or if he's always controlling and manipulative?

I often think I live in a parallel universe to some of the people on here where men are seen as a binary group of abusive, man children / cunts or wonderful "my DH would never do that" demi-gods.

Orangecake123 · 13/05/2017 10:16

He's being unreasonable. The amount of energy investment is not balanced. He supported you but it's not the same.

KRG13 · 13/05/2017 10:16

I think the mum actually wrote the OP's (bubbinsmakesthree) real name LittleGrey but I could be wrong!

MyheartbelongstoG · 13/05/2017 10:19

I think its a nice thing to say.

I know whenever I've received a card its always nice to get a pat on the back.

Its bloody hard work!!

youarenotkiddingme · 13/05/2017 10:20

Your mum hasn't acknowledged what you did as your part of the pregnancy and childbirth though has she?

She's congratulated you more than Dh. So yes, I can see where he's coming from.

If she'd have written congratulations to both and 'well done' to you the time is different.

Not sure it's worth years of arguing over though.

Original poster

Bubbinsmakesthree · 13/05/2017 10:22

Correct KRG13

OP posts:

PidgeonSpray · 13/05/2017 10:23

Tbf It's a very cold message in general if it's from your mother?!

I wouldn't even have kept the card.

And it is odd to single you out more. Baby is BOTH of your not just yours.

Original poster

Bubbinsmakesthree · 13/05/2017 10:27

I think DH feels it implies that he is the lesser parent, that him becoming a father is less significant than me becoming a mother.

As others have said, I think "congratulations both, well done bubbins" would have been fine.

I assure you we've not been arguing about this for years! .

OP posts:

user1493022461 · 13/05/2017 10:29

I think if it was MIL writing it to dh then a lot of people on here would take offence

Because that would be really weird, as he didn't have anything to do with the actual birth.

He's being a dick. Is he always so awful to/about your mother?

Ratatatouille · 13/05/2017 10:32

Devorak no I'm not projecting, my DH is bloody brilliant thanks and was the first person to tell everyone how incredible I was after I had DD.

The very fact that OP's DH would be upset at her receiving an extra pat on the back from her own mum makes him sound irrationally jealous to me, but if it makes you feel better you can certainly try to pigeon hole me as a man hating feminazi!

Deven7 · 13/05/2017 10:36

Oh for gods sake! My DH wouldn't even register something like that. Sorry, but he is acting like a total muppet.

RainbowBriteRules · 13/05/2017 10:40

Bird . When a man is pregnant for months, gives birth to the baby (in whichever way) then has the physical recovery from that birth then I'll give them an extra congratulations. Until then I'll give an extra well done to the mum (although I don't usually put it in a card). Doesn't make the dad any less of a parent.

kmc1111 · 13/05/2017 10:42

It's very awkwardly worded. There's a big difference between 'Congrats on your new baby, but much more congrats to the person I like better' and 'Congrats on your new baby, and well done person who gave birth'.

If my relationship with my MIL was already difficult I wouldn't be so sure she meant the latter. Not worth having long rows over though.

feebeecat · 13/05/2017 10:46

I think it's a bit tricky to deny that women do the hard work during pregnancy and, er, labour - clue is in the name. Your dh is being a little over sensitive about it all. That said, my dh was always keen to "big-up" his part during labour & according to his mother, he did it all. And has done ever since. In fact, I'm not sure I was even there in her version of events. People do like to concentrate on their own off-Spring
Not sure where this CS not being a 'real birth' malarkey has come from though. I was told I would probably end up with one as was having twins, all I could think of was the time I had my appendix out and how much that 'smarted' afterward (was only 8 at the time though). All CS mum's I salute you

blackcherries · 13/05/2017 11:00

If I congratulate a couple on a birth I always write "congratulations couple, well done woman", perfectly normal

I hope you use these exact words

GwenStaceyRocks · 13/05/2017 11:15

It wasn't UR. You were pregnant. You gave birth to a baby and let's be honest, she feels more involved in your efforts because you're her DD. Why is it odd to acknowledge that your DM who has known you for your entire life has more of a connection to you than she has with someone you married? And how arsey does your DP need to be to feel that having just had a baby, he should try to put you in the middle of an argument between him and your DM?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/05/2017 11:16

I thought what your DM was trying to say was, it's bloody hard work giving birth, very well done, my lovely daughter.
I don't normally say things like this, but your DH, is either an insecure attention seeker, or an arse !
Don't give it another thought, and don't let him drag your poor DM into it either. For you Bubbins 😄🌺

NavyandWhite · 13/05/2017 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleGreyMeow · 13/05/2017 11:36

I totally missed the user name!! Lol

Not having a good day :)

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 13/05/2017 16:35

I've had two children and would have been really annoyed if anyone had written this on a card when either of the children were born.
Yes we all know the women do the pregnancy, the Labour bla bla bla
But a congrats card should be an open handed thing - you both have a baby - to single one parent out over the other is silly and petty.
By all means acknowledge in a different way - flowers, a gift or a voucher the understanding between a mum and a daughter - between two women the amazing gift of experiencing pregnancy and labour but to purposely exclude your husband from a joint congratulations is unkind.

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