Was it U to write this message in a card?

[Bubbinsmakesthree]

Just sorting through a memory box with DH and we found the birth congratulations card from my DM when our PFB was born, which reignited a (fairly trivial) argument with DH over the message DM wrote in the card.

The card said "Many congratulations, especially to Bubbins" (i.e. Me, her DD).

DH took offence at this as he thinks it sounds like she was deliberately excluding/minimising him. I think it is simply acknowledging that actually physically giving birth is a big deal and DM is just acknowledging that.

Who is being U?

Was he fucked off if you got flowers aswell op? I mean where were his flowers?

I think its a perfectly normal thing to say. It acknowledges that both of you are now parents but that the woman has survived / endured 9ish months of pregnancy and has given birth. Pregnancy and birth is a major achievement whether you have a natural birth or a caesarian.

The comments that got right up my nose were when my dh was given special congratulations having delivered DC3 because the midwife and ambulance didn't arrive in time. I'd just pushed out a 9 lb baby and he was the one getting the credit!

I don't think it's worth arguing over but I think your DH is right.

Seems odd to me.

I don't really get that a woman needs more congrats on the birth because she was pregnant & went through the birth.

I understand a well done.

I can see how it pissed him off if she has a habit of making digs at him.

I can see his point in that congratulations should be joint. If she'd added a bit for "well done Bubbins" or whatever to represent OP's efforts then fine, it's just the fact that she worded it badly.

How very dare a mother send an extra message to her daughter. Poor man /s

If I were a man with a slightly difficult relationship with the MIL, I would find this rather one sided. Congratulations are usually shared between the two of you. A 'well done to .....' would have been more appropriate wording.

Too fucking right I got more congratulations.

Congratulations on only having a 3rd degree tear so at least I don't shit and piss myself ALL the time
Congratulations on surviving weeks of morning sickness
Congratulations on not dying during childbirth
Congratulations on my giant piles
Congratulations on still working in a physical job until the day before with a brick filled beach ball stuck to me

But yes, my dp was right fucked off that my mum didn't whisper in his near " well done, you fucking did it" because he squirted a bit of sperm in to me no he wasn't because he's not a prick

I think parents often focus on their own child when a grandchild is born, its a bit annoying, but not intended as rudeness.
When I had a emergency caesarian, my MIL invited herself the day I got home from hospital, told us off for changing baby in front of her (would have had to go upstairs otherwise to find any space, and we were both knackered), and told me that her DS was tired after having to go back and forth visiting me, and I needed to step up more! Fortunately, I was too speechless to reply, we were seeing her out at close to midnight, after a lot of subtle hints to go home had failed!

I reckon they are so caught up in their child having a child that they don't think.

I agree with your DH. He's being a tit though.
It's hardly major international incident status

Ridiculous. Talk about over thinking and creative a problem?

Gosh is your DH always a bit of a twat? What an absolutely ridiculous thing to take offence to! It's clear what your DM meant. Why is he looking for things to take offence to? It's very childish.

The wording is clunky, I can see if there's a history between them how it could be taken the wrong way.

Well done ? What if you had a section? Would that not be well done?

Yes of course it would. I ended up having an emergency section and I still bloody deserved a pat on the back for the horrendous morning sickness, back pain, crippling SPD that had me on crutches, tiredness, food aversions, anxiety etc. The 36 hours of labour was the icing on the cake and a natural delivery would have been the cherry on the top. Women's bodies go through the mill during pregnancy, let alone labour and delivery. Why should we not be proud of that accomplishment? Why should we not acknowledge what we have been through just so that we don't upset a poor bloke who feels, I don't really know, jealous? Overlooked? Your partner/DH should be your biggest champion going "look how bloody amazing this woman is!" not getting upset that you have been congratulated more than him (which actually I think was more of a clumsily worded "well done" from DM than a congratulations).

There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. It was pathetic to be annoyed by it.

A little rude, IMO.

Did he look after you well postpartum?

WTAF does it have to do with anything?

ifeelcraptonight

Well done ? What if you had a section? Would that not be well done?

I had a section and still got a "well done" because I still carried the baby for 9 months and have birth to him.

Op I think what your mum wrote was fine and normal. She's saying congrats to both of you and a special well done to you for all the hard work you put into the pregnancy and the birth. Also, I think parents do tend to focus more on their own child, don't they?

Actually I'd like to revise my statement that a natural delivery would have been the cherry on the top because that somewhat implies that a section is a non event when actually it can be difficult to recover from. However a baby is delivered, it's hard on the mother's body.

have gave birth to him

It's strange that everyone is reading it as due to you being the one actually pregnant. When I first read it, I thought it was saying that you deserved extra congrats from her as her daughter. Let's face it, if tie husband (if not in a relationship with you) had had a baby with someone else, she's hardly have been sending a card! So it read to me as a little rude as it seems to split you as a couple - you as her daughter are spelled out to be extra close, whereas your husband could just be any one at all. Obviously it's true that as your mother, the main fulcrum in the relationship between her and you as a couple is you, but it seems a little dismissive of your husband for her to have spelt it out. I could imagine her writing the same message in a wedding or housewarming card, for example.

Interesting to see everyone else has read it differently.

In any case, I would never refer to the actual birth-giving in a card for a new baby, seems a bit off somehow. A congrats card sort-of glosses over all that and keeps up the pretence of baby being gently placed by a stork on a cabbage patch or whatever. I'd happily discuss it in conversation though, just not in a card. And it avoids all these issues!

Devorak it's very relevant. A man who is irrationally jealous or put out by his wife receiving a special 'pat on the back' from her own mum after he's just seen her go through 9 months of pregnancy and labour could very well also be the guy who isn't sensitive to his wife's needs postpartum because he's so wrapped up in himself. It's really not a stretch to make that connection.

Why should we not acknowledge what we have been through just so that we don't upset a poor bloke who feels, I don't really know, jealous?

Indeed - most of the cards, messages etc we received for our children were jointly congratulatory but with some acknowledgement of who had done the actual work. Fortunately their father was not a self absorbed toddler incapable of acknowledging this.

It's just a slightly clumsy way of wording it isn't it - you're not "deserving" of more congratulations more a recognition of your hard work. He's nit picking because he expects to be offended by her.

To be fair, I'm secretly still resentful of all the times MIL mentioned how tired DH was from going out to work each time I was at home with a newborn and small DC.

Good grief, tell him next time he gets pregnant then gives birth, I will send him a medal.