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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD would have been left with 95yrold great gran

46 replies

BabyLlama · 13/05/2017 07:52

I recently asked my FIL to look after my 2yo DD for a few hours as I had an appointment. I said that I could rearrange it for another day if he was busy. He's 70 and he lives with his 95 year old mother. She's absolutely lovely, but isn't very mobile - hence why my FIL looks after her.

Anyway, he said yes. I said I would drop her off to his house as his mother can't really be left on her own for long as she tends to have falls, but she loves to see her great granddaughter.

I said I would drop her off at 9 (my appointment was at 10) so I would be back by 11. My SIL was going round at around 10:30/11:00 too with her son.

I realised later that I'd gotten my days mixed up and didn't need childcare so rang my FIL and told him. He said that was ok. He had an appointment at 10 also so my 2yo DD would have been left with her great grandmother for at least an hour until my SIL arrived.

Im really annoyed that he thinks it's ok to leave my DD with someone who requires looking after herself, when I said to there was no problem if he couldn't look after her.

I asked my DH's opinion on it and he hit the roof. Shouting at me, "Well don't let him have her again then!! Shut the fuck up about it!!".
So my AIBU is : Am I in the wrong? I don't think so, but would like some perspective. My DH wouldn't even discuss it with me. Maybe he thinks is it's ok to for a boisterous 2year old to be left with his grandmother.

Sorry it's long!

OP posts:

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 13/05/2017 07:55

YANBU an immobile 95 year old cannot care for a toddler.

Your bigger problem, though, is your DH's attitude.

Is he always that stressed and rude?

pinkblink · 13/05/2017 07:55

I think the way your husband spoke to you is the main issue there..... but no you're not BU about her being left with a 95 year old!

Trifleorbust · 13/05/2017 07:56

He told you to "Shut the fuck up?"

tillytown · 13/05/2017 07:57

Your husband was being a dick, yanbu

biffyboom · 13/05/2017 07:58

No you were not in the wrong.
Fil was not going to tell you he wouldn't actually be there to supervise your dd.

I would wonder if it has happened before, and i would avoid using him for future childcare if possible.

WinchestersInATardis · 13/05/2017 08:03

YANBU. A 95yo with mobility issues can't look after a toddler.
Your DH is the bigger problem though. Even if you were being incredibly U (and you weren't) there is absolutely no excuse for talking to you that way.

Wando1986 · 13/05/2017 08:07

If he replied like that then you didn't simply just 'ask his opinion' at all, OP, did you?

RedSandYellowSand · 13/05/2017 08:07

There are 2 things going on here.
Your FiL was wrong to leave your toddler with her Great-Grandmother. That shouldn't be allowed to happen again.
But your husband's response???? That is bizarre and totally uncalled for. Why are you being blamed?? It sounds like there is more to this.

Designerenvy · 13/05/2017 08:07

Uanbu! Why was your husbands reaction so aggressive? Is usually this way ?
A 95 year old woman, who is immobile could never keep up with a toddler. It's unsafe . I'd be fuming !

Westray · 13/05/2017 08:09

Your OH sounds more of a problem than your childcare arrangements

Original poster

BabyLlama · 13/05/2017 08:09

My Dh can be a massive twat at times. Mostly he's reasonable and a generally nice person, but he has his moments. I'm never asking my FIL to look after my DD again! If anything happened to my DD or her great grandmother neither one would be able to help the other. It makes my stomach churn thinking about it!

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/05/2017 08:11

Your husband sounds very stressed and what he said was horrible and I'd be expecting an apology. I don't think you should be asking a man in his 70's to be looking after your 2 yr old especially when he's a carer for a 95 yr old. Perhaps your dh is upset because you expect his father to look after your child, and if so, he's totally right. Your child, take her to your appointment like all the rest of us, who don't have childcare on tap.

MerlinsScarf · 13/05/2017 08:12

YANBU. A two year old can challenge even a fit and mobile person, they're fast and it takes seconds for a toddler to get into difficulty.

Is your husband the type to misdirect any anger he feels about his own dad's judgement onto you? What an awful response in any case.

DitchCamille · 13/05/2017 08:12

Obviously it's not good that your dd was going to be left in those circumstances but your husband is your main issue. Yelling at you like that is not ok. At all.

Jinglebells99 · 13/05/2017 08:14

I think you are right to be concerned about your child being left with her great grandmother. However, sounds like your film has enough on his plate caring for his mother. Your partner's attitude is horrible.

giggleshizz · 13/05/2017 08:14

If my partner ever told me to shut the fuck up he would not be my partner anymore. It astounds me what people think is acceptable within a relationship. OP

OsmosisJones · 13/05/2017 08:15

Did you go on and on and on about it? I mean obv he shouldn't have sworn but if my husband constantly nipped my head about some perceived wrongdoing by my family member I'd probably say "shut up now, you've made your point" or similar.

AppleAndBlackberry · 13/05/2017 08:15

I would say this would be fine from about age 7 or 8 if they knew how to use a phone and you or FIL would be contactable. Age 2 - no way.

highinthesky · 13/05/2017 08:20

I bet all your DH heard was a huge criticism of his family.

You only had to say it once for him to have got the message. What did you actually want DH to do about this near miss? And did you communicate this clearly or just repeat the problem?

balence49 · 13/05/2017 08:21

Not really fair on the granny. Tho you need to sort the "d"h out, no way would I be spoken to like that. He would be the one shutting the fuck up by the time I'd finnished with him!

TheGentleMoose · 13/05/2017 08:26

Massive Twatiness is not something that is confined to "at times". He is either not a massive twat, or he is a massive twat and needs to have a look at what's causing his behaviour and change it.

Did your DH know in advance you were going to leave your DD there in advance? Perhaps he didn't think it was fair - have you discussed this as a childcare option before?

I think it is very unfair to leave a 70 year old caring for a 95 year old and a 2 year old.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 13/05/2017 08:30

What your DH said to you was absolutely horrible.

And YANBU.

slinkyma · 13/05/2017 08:31

Shut the fuck up

???!!!!

70 year old clearly didn't remember how intense 2 year olds are before he agreed to help.

Well nothing bad happened so now you're just with the husband problem...

Wdigin2this · 13/05/2017 08:32

You're not being unreasonable, of course it's not OK for a 2 year old, to be left in the care of an immobile old person.
However, if my DH spoke to me like that, during a perfectly reasonable discussion......I'd want to know what the hell was going on!
He was totally out of order, and if that's his normal attitude towards any kind of difficult situation, I'd be wondering if he's fit to look after your DC....never mind Granny!

Sconesnotscones · 13/05/2017 08:35

There is no excuse for him to speak to you like that, but maybe he feels he is facing changes in his life that he just can't admit to himself. In some ways, he might be denying to himself that his Grandmother if failing/getting older - although it is hard to deny that a 95 year old is older. It's probably just hard to accept on a visceral level.

I know that I did not want to admit to myself that my always very active mum was getting older and slowing down, and I found it extremely hard to adjust myself emotionally. I just couldn't accept that I was going to eventually lose her.

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