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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD would have been left with 95yrold great gran

46 replies

BabyLlama · 13/05/2017 07:52

I recently asked my FIL to look after my 2yo DD for a few hours as I had an appointment. I said that I could rearrange it for another day if he was busy. He's 70 and he lives with his 95 year old mother. She's absolutely lovely, but isn't very mobile - hence why my FIL looks after her.

Anyway, he said yes. I said I would drop her off to his house as his mother can't really be left on her own for long as she tends to have falls, but she loves to see her great granddaughter.

I said I would drop her off at 9 (my appointment was at 10) so I would be back by 11. My SIL was going round at around 10:30/11:00 too with her son.

I realised later that I'd gotten my days mixed up and didn't need childcare so rang my FIL and told him. He said that was ok. He had an appointment at 10 also so my 2yo DD would have been left with her great grandmother for at least an hour until my SIL arrived.

Im really annoyed that he thinks it's ok to leave my DD with someone who requires looking after herself, when I said to there was no problem if he couldn't look after her.

I asked my DH's opinion on it and he hit the roof. Shouting at me, "Well don't let him have her again then!! Shut the fuck up about it!!".
So my AIBU is : Am I in the wrong? I don't think so, but would like some perspective. My DH wouldn't even discuss it with me. Maybe he thinks is it's ok to for a boisterous 2year old to be left with his grandmother.

Sorry it's long!

OP posts:

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 13/05/2017 08:41

Next time, could you DH help with cover for the appointment? It's all very well him saying don't let him have her, but if you do need someone to mind her for a short while what does he suggest you do? She is his DD too so it should be both of you looking for a solution together.

WelliesAndPyjamas · 13/05/2017 08:41

The babysitting matter. Great gran's lack of mobility is the issue here, not her age or capacity. FIL possibly was trying to be nice, and mistakenly thought the hour he left them alone together could be spent with quiet tv time? Not ideal but certainly not malicious of him. Lesson learnt. Specify next time that he will be there the whole time.

The husband matter. Utterly rude, disrespectful, and wanky. If my dh ever talked to me like that, I'd leave him. Love and respect go together. Set standards and examples for your dc and think about whether you want your little girl to grow up thinking it is ok for adults to treat each other like that.

diddl · 13/05/2017 08:47

He shouldn't have told you to STFU-even if you were going on about it.

What did you want him to say about the situation?

It's simple-just don't ask FIL again!

Spudlet · 13/05/2017 08:49

YANBU, my ds is a little younger and there's no way I'd leave my DGM in charge as she just can't keep up. She'd fall and do herself an injury, and at that age injuries are no joke, a broken hip could be the end of her.

Your DHs response was absolutely unacceptable, I find that even more concerning than the original issue. I really think you need a good hard ink about this relationship, because that response, as you describe it, is not healthy or normal.

WateryTart · 13/05/2017 08:56

Your DH is a prick.

MrsChopper · 13/05/2017 08:58

YANBU.

Your 'H' sounds like a dick!

Original poster

BabyLlama · 13/05/2017 09:00

I don't usually ask my FIL to look after my DD as he has his DM to look after like you said Mumoflittledragon. He loves seeing her though and it wasn't an appointment I could take her to, or else I would have. This is why I said I could change the date of my appointment if it wasn't convenient for him to have her.

Yes, my DH knew that I'd ask his dad. He was fine with it. My FIL is a very fit 70yr old. If he wasn't I would never dream of asking him to look after my DD. His DM I'd fine on her own for an hour or two, as she will sit and watch TV or read the paper I'd my FIL has to go out, but if she's got a 2 year old running around then it's a dangerous situation in my mind.

OP posts:

icanteven · 13/05/2017 09:01

Your DH spoke to you appallingly. When you say you "asked his opinion" did you say "DH, I'm worried about what might have happened. What do you think?" and he responded like that spontaneously, or did you leave out a big argument in between?

Also, to the people above saying that a 70 year old grandfather can''t be left in charge of a toddler, that's nonsense. My Dad was 70 when dd2 was 2 and he was fine looking after her three short days a week, as he did until she started in reception. He was our only outside childcare from when she was just a few weeks old, and he completely loved it.

He never looked after me when I was a baby (v traditional household in 1970's Ireland), so was a complete novice, and took to baby care like a duck to water.

Adding a 95 year old gran into the mix is no problem either, IMO, but leaving the 2yo with the gran without him being there is definitely underestimating how much work a toddler is, and I would be annoyed about that too.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/05/2017 09:10

I see I jumped to conclusions. I read that you've done this before from your husband's reaction. As this is not the case, you have a dh problem. He should be taking time off so you can go to your appointment.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/05/2017 09:15

icanteven
Obviously it is fine to leave a child with a 70 yr old. But not one, who also cares for a 95 yr old, who is prone to falling. I disagree on your second point. If she were to fall and hurt herself while the toddler were present, there is no way the gf could care for both the adult and the child.

maras2 · 13/05/2017 09:20

llama
My DH has never spoken to me like that in the 50 years we've been together.
I'm only in my mid 60's but mobility is impaired due to arthritis so when looking after any of the DGC's DH is always there just in case.
for you for being so rudely spoken to.

happypoobum · 13/05/2017 09:35

Your DH is horrible. Who the fuck does he think he is?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 13/05/2017 09:40

It wasn't the best idea your FIL has ever had 😣 Maybe he thought they'd both just sit there with a drink & the TV. How biddable is your DD & how immobile is your GG? My 88 yo Aunty looks after all 4 of her GC sometimes & often does the school run for the youngest (up a hill that kills me!), I can well imagine that in a few years she'll still be well up to minding a tot for an hour. If your GG is totally immobile & your DD quite lively, then I'd probably not leave DD with your FIL again because his judgement isn't good. Whilst you can tell him she's not to be left with GG again, you'll be forever worrying what else he thinks is fine, that you don't.

As for your DH. If you really hadn't been going on about it, then you do need to consider if this is a good environment for you and DD to be living in. Even if you had tbh, but it's a bit more understandable.

Lymmmummy · 13/05/2017 11:31

Sounds like you and FIL a bit forgetful - you got your dates mixed up and he forgot he had spending on

To be fair he is 70 looking after a 95 year old perhaps you shouldn't be asking these type of favours of him? I know you offered to make other arrangements rather than demand he looked after your DC but in future perhaps it's simply not appropriate to ask him to look after a very elderly person with care needs and a young toddler

Lymmmummy · 13/05/2017 11:31

should have read he (FIL) forgot he had something else on for the time you had agreed

diddl · 13/05/2017 14:06

I suppose FIL thought that he was being helpful & it was better than nothing if you would otherwise be stuck?

Surely if he is his mum's carer then he's a last resort as childcare?

Original poster

BabyLlama · 13/05/2017 14:43

He does have a tendency to over react at times. I'm not a naggy person and really did just want his opinion on it. I asked him twice and then he said that to me. He ignored me the first time. Maybe he thought I was putting down his family, but that couldn't be further from the truth and he knows that really. I think he's annoyed with his dad but is getting too defensive. Nobodys likes the idea that someone is bad-mouthing their family (which I wasn't!) I wanted to see if he thought along the same lines as me. All of my in-laws are fantastic and I tell my DH enough times. Thank you for all your support. My DH needs to reign in his temper at times.

OP posts:

Original poster

BabyLlama · 13/05/2017 14:45

I told my FIL that I could easily change my appointment Diddl. He is the sort of person who will do anything for anyone so he probably thought he couldn't say no.

OP posts:

diddl · 13/05/2017 15:00

"I told my FIL that I could easily change my appointment"

Yes I know, but would that still be with a view to asking him to look after your daughter?

He's perhaps not in the best position to be doing it.

That said your husband overreacted.

Maybe he feels bad as he should have taken time off to look after his own child whilst you couldn't!

LaLegue · 13/05/2017 15:14

YADNBU.

Lymmmummy · 13/05/2017 15:51

To be fair to your DH he has overreacted and used the wrong words

What he may have meant was "my 70 year old dad was only doing you a favour because you asked him - he already has a lot on his plate taking care of my grandmother - which you know - he made an error of judgement but only did so because he wanted to help you" or perhaps DH could just be a bit OTT😄

Wouldn't hold the situation against anyone just learn the lessons move on and act differently next time

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