Sitting here crying- AIBU??

[midnightswirls]

So i've just gone out for a meal with my sister down my new local pub. I've not long come out of a refuge and settled into my new village. This is the first time I've been to the pub and we had a really nice time until the end. I got a phone call from a private number, I dont normally so i answered and apologised to my sister. It was a girl i used to be in the refuge with and she told me she just moved to another. She seemed quite upset telling me her abusive husband had found out stuff and she dont know how. I felt bad being on the phone but was also hard stopping her speaking bluntly as she was upset and doesn't have many friends. I was on the phone for 6 mins. We had finished our meal and drinks so it weren't through the middle of anything. I got off the phone and apologised again but my sister went mental at me, causing a scene and raising her voice. I was so mortified and told her to keep it down, said sorry but she was upset and she's been through alot. I said i would understand if her friend called and was upset and she was on the phone for that amount of time. Even if i was annoyed i would wait until we were outside to say something.
She text our mum straight away, refused to speak to me. And now has gone home. My LB is with his dad and now im all alone feeling rubbish and that they are all against me. Sitting here crying feeling attacked. (I'm currently having counselling for my mums abusive ways growing up). AIBU to feel like she shouldn't have reacted that way? Or at least waited until we got outside. She will now not talk to me for ages or until i beg and say sorry.

Your sister is (or at least behaved like) a total dick.

Sometimes for our own well being we do need to look really closely at those relationships which - in an ideal world - would be supportive and loving but on closer inspection really really aren't.

I've finally given up with a relee I longed for us to have a close/r relationship with but in the end it was just damaging so I had to give up on it. Maybe doing that with your sister might contribute to your happiness longer term? Food for thought.

But no, do NOT beg/apologise/dance what sounds like a longstanding fucked up dance - the fact she texted your DM to 'tell' on you or diss you speaks volumes. Good luck with the counselling,
it should help you immensely with things like the above, knowing and enforcing boundaries, not being shat upon &/or used like a one way street

YANBU, she sounds like she has some big issues. You are not wrong to want to help a friend.

What blackteasplease and ShakingAndShocked said. There are people in your family whose boundaries are not what they should be. If you're trying to improve your own situation and learning how to treat yourself with respect, love and understanding, these people will not support you because the changes you're making challenge them and their bad behaviour. They will give your new skills a lot of exercise but while you're strengthening these skills it may not be the time to test them.

Letting go of demanding and abusive relationships or taking time away from them will never fail to be rewarding. Good luck. x

Your sister wants you in your neatly compartmentalised box - the one with the label that says "nee trouble".

now you know where to compartmentalise her

Yanbu Time to start making friends with some new people in the village. Just because she is your sister doesn't mean you will necessarily get on, sounds like she is more like your mum.

I've woke up feeling stronger today and I'm not going to apologise. Although my mum is being a total cow to me. Hopefully when they have moved my stuff across to my new place I won't have to deal with this for much longer

I've woke up feeling stronger today and I'm not going to apologise. Although my mum is being a total cow to me. Hopefully when they have moved my stuff across to my new place I won't have to deal with this for much longer

Glad you are feeling stronger and I do hope you will be happy in your new place.

. Do not beg and Do not say sorry. All you did was be a kind caring friend. You couldnt have cut off a sensitive phone call like that. Regardless of wether it was 6 or 60 minutes, but Your selfish bitch of a sister wouldnt know that.
Sister or no sister. Id just give her a wide berth.

Your sister was out of order! Flipping over something that small tells me she needs to have a think about her own behavior!

You were not in the wrong. Don't say sorry and don't go chasing her. Just like a child throwing a hissy fit, your sister sounds as if she could use a time out herself.

It sounds to me as if you are on a path to getting much much stronger and maybe some time apart from your sister (and mother) would really benefit that right now.

You were not in the wrong - you don't owe anyone anything.

Don't be surprised if either your sister or your mum keep picking at you to apologise. It is clearly important to them that you 'know your place' and that you're around as a convenient person they can kick when they feel like it. They'll want you to be back on speaking terms with them so they can be unkind to you again. Don't go along with that. Have a minimum standard of behaviour you expect from them and don't tolerate less.

Butterymuffin Have a minimum standard of behaviour you expect from them and don't tolerate less.

^ THIS. This always.

I've put my foot down and im not apologising. My parents came round yesterday to drop some more of my stuff off. My mum was very hostile and said "have you apologised to your sister yet". As she was leaving she said "remember text your sister and apologise". Can't believe im the one made out in the wrong. I'm not sure what my sister said to my mum but it was probably exaggerated. I also bet my sister is loving this too as my mum had mentioned she thinks she's very jealous of me. As i now have a place and my mum and dad helped me decorate/move things as obviously i dont have anyone else to help. She had said to them well i hope you'll do the same for me and my bf. Sorry for rambling, just venting all my frustration.

Obviously you do care. You cared enough to listen to a friend in need. Don't let her make you feel like a bad person for that.

She's immature and jealous. Rise above it and good luck with your new life!

You wouldn't be friends with this woman if she wasn't your sister. She sounds like a complete horror - I'd put her and your mum on your no contact list. You'd only be living for the hope of them being nice, they never will be Theyve had your whole life to show you what sort of people they are and obviously the answer is they're cunts

Your sister was completely in the wrong. You reacted the way anyone would. Don´t feel bad about it.

Going 'no contact' with all of them seems like your best option..

Another thing I find strange/upsetting is that you have family nearby, but ended up in a refuge?!

If you felt it would make life easier for you at this difficult time you could always do a 'Tiger Woods' take-no-blame type apology:

"I'm sorry you were upset the other day. I would never normally take a call but my friend was in great need of support. I know you would want me to do the same if you had called me."

Ignore her if that isn't good enough, tell your mum you have apologised if she nags you, enjoy your new house and the start of your new life. This is shit you could do without.

I think you have been through enough abuse and done well to be where you are, unlike your family you have compassion and understanding for others and will give your time when it is needed to help them. Your sister can't see this as she is not capable of the same, I would stop all contact with your family now before they do any more damage. Your sister has no empathy if she isn't ashamed she spoiled a meal that should have been a celebration for you. Congratulations on getting you and your son to a new safer life.

I actually feel my family do me more damage than my abusive ex! I can't believe im saying that. I think no contact or minimal contact would be good for me but it scares the life out of me! I guess they like the fact ive always relied on them for their help and advice. I don't have many friends and often feel alone, so the thought of cutting them all from my life scares me so much.
Does anyone have any good stories from when you went no contact with family?

I think low or no contact with all your family is appropriate right now. It doesn't have to be forever, you can decide but you need to take control. Definitely don't apologise or even send a "sorry if" text. Leave your sister alone and if she contacts you or your mother does, make it clear that you won't have anything to do with her until she apologises to you for screaming and shouting at you in the middle of the restaurant. Do not get into any discussion about anything else. They've clearly scapegoated you and you've been willing for a very long time to take their anger and emotions from them. This is not your job.

This is the sort or conversation I'm talking about. The sort of things you could say are in quotations and need to be said in a very adult voice, no shouting or pleading : "are you going to apologise for shouting at me?" (Rant, rant, rant from her). "Does that mean you don't intend to apologise?" (Rant, rant, rant). "Ok that's fine I hear you're upset about x, y and z. We are talking abut your behaviour. We can talk about x another time." (Rant, rant, rant, scream, shout). "Ok I hear you aren't going to apologise to me so I think it would be best if I stop the conversation now, love you, bye." And hang up.

Just seen your post. What I said above is how I handled my mother. It's not perfect by any means but she's respecting me more and not interfering anymore with how I bring my dd up.

Remember J.A.D.E.;

Never Justify, Apologize, Defend, or Explain.

I think you should cut them all out of your life as they add nothing to it. Get any/all of your possessions out of their possession then start by not initiating any contact with them and keep any responses to their contact as brief as possible.

You deserve to be around people who care and support you. Sometimes our own families don't do this. So we build our own family out of our friends.

MN gives the worst advice ever. Posters are so quick to fall over themselves to agree with the OP they never stop to consider that they might be giving incredibly destructive advice. What exactly was your sister upset about? Was it just that you took a call? Or does it go deeper than that?

From your later posts it sounds like you've been through a rough time lately and your family have been providing you with a lot of help and support to get through this time. You say you rely on them for help. Your parents are running around after you doing errands and it sounds like they have done an awful lot of work to get your new place nice for you. You have said some really quite unpleasant things about them and your sister.

Be honest, was this incident just about the phone call? Or was she angry because she felt it was part of a pattern where you take a lot from your family but don't show a lot of consideration in return? Because what I'm getting from your posts is that your family are doing an awful lot for you right now and your response is complaining and threatening to go NC. You say yourself that you are reluctant to go NC because you are not keen to give up that support.

I think rather than going NC you might want to consider whether your criticism of your family is entirely justified given the support they are giving you and also examine your own role in this conflict and whether some of the responsibility lies with you.

I'm sorry to be brutal, but it sounds as though you are in a difficult and unstable situation at the moment and posters seem to be advising you to cut off what sounds like your only reliable support system over a tiff. It's shit advice.

Try talking to your sister and finding out exactly why she is so upset and listen to what she has to say.