AIBU to say No More Play dates

[mummymummums]

Feeling really fed up tonight. I've always hosted play dates for both my DC quite regularly - DD is 10, and DS about to be 9. Both had a friend round today.
I just feel that this afternoon's play date is the straw that broke this camel's back and I just don't want to do them any more.
All started well. Then the following:

1. DD disappears upstairs for ages - I go and check and find her grizzling because her friend is playing with the boys too much.
2. DS and friend go in garden - DS kicking ball around our small but high fenced garden and despite promises to only kick in one direction ball ends up next door almost instantly. I tell him in no uncertain terms to stop kicking balls but next thing a further two balls have gone next door while I went to loo. Neighbour is plainly fed up by this as he always takes ages (several days) to return balls which is fine. We have a large trampoline, playframe and various garden games but DS repeatedly only wants to kick balls (always next door) despite having no interest in playing football or joining a football club any other time. Shed and balls usually locked due to balls issue but today he found key so I allowed him to kick on promise that he'd keep it away from neighbour fence.
3. I walk into living room to find DS firing powerful (as in fires hard) nerf gun up living room. I tell him to stop but have to dash to telephone which rings and return to him still firing. Then he stops after a further talking to.
4. Manage to stop DS showing his friend something with swearing in that he apparently found on you tube recently.
5. DS completely accidentally knocks a model DD built yesterday - needs small repair when we can sit down and do it but entirely fixable. DD starts muttering about revenge and I warn her sternly against that.
6. This is the biggie for me. DD grabs abandoned nerf gun and fires it at point blank range at DS. It hits him in throat and he's in significant pain - vivid red mark on windpipe and DD darkly gloating that she got her revenge. I lost it and sent her upstairs for next 40 mins and she became remorseful. Just thanking my lucky stars it wasn't DS's eye, or one of the friends.
7. Ask DS and friend to tidy balls from garden ( they'd emptied an entire sack of ball pit style balls over garden). I chivvy and ask 6-8 times whilst dinner is ready - eventually they do it and come in.
8. Mealtime. All seems to be going well and much friendly chat at table so I sat on settee. Get up 5 mins later to find that the entire carpet around table is covered in shredded tiny bits of bread as DD's friend had decided to tear the middle out of her sub roll and 'make dough balls' by rolling it between hands but DD joined in and pretty much two large bread rolls were all over floor.

Both guests hid from their parents at home time and all I could think was 'please please just go'. Not that they'd done much wrong - it was nearly all my own two DC. To put in context, this is first play date they've had in a couple of months mainly because my Dad is very unwell and probably won't be with us much longer and I frequently make urgent dashes to be with him so I avoided play dates. But then I thought it'd be nice for the children to have one and I ought to make the effort. I feel such a mug, and I feel like not bothering any more. I realise that most is quite minor stuff and v normal but the nerf gun thing could've been very serious. I don't want to overreact but I feel cross that my two behaved so badly. I'm feeling they're spoilt. In the summer we put up a 14 foot pool and host loads of play dates. I just don't want to do it any more. I'm always positive and happy but after today I just feel so fed up with trying to do it all, to get rewarded by this crap behaviour and unnecessary stress. I never have a minute to myself with working, caring for parents and the DC who each do 3 clubs a week. So WIBU to put an end to play dates for the DC?

Action - they misbehaved during play date
Consequence - no play date
Seems like the most obvious to me so yanbu.

I was going to point out that it wasn't the playdate children that were the problem it was your own DC, but then I read the end and see that you realise that!

YANBU they don't deserve any treats until they significantly improve their behaviour. It sounds like neither of them do a thing they're asked.

I think it was a bit of a series of unfortunate events. The shooting of the nerf gun by your DD was the only really bad thing. If it was a complete once off then it's not the end of the world but if it's normal for her then it's pretty serious.

I'd give you sea break from play dates for a while then try again. Keep them short and sweet and give your DC a pre play date lecture. Kids can mature in leaps and bounds at your kids ages, just because this lay date went badly doesn't mean future ones will.

Sorry to hear that your Dad is poorly.

I am a childminder..The school children are always worse on a Friday , they come out hyped up.. I am not sure if tired or greatful it is the weekend. So we are always much more structured on a friday. Or park so they burn steam off before setting foot in my house.

I also think IF you do another playdate..Tell DC the rules and that you expect them to be followed.

Thank you, some good suggestions here that I'm def taking on board and doing (or not doing in case of friends coming).
I'm usually positive and optimistic and accept things in my stride, but today has bugged me. I felt the children were old enough to know better, and they know it's hard for me currently to get friends round due to grandad, and that not that many do the whole play date thing round here. I know kids will be kids but I think the boundaries were overstepped today and respect is def issue.

Sounds dreadful OP, you poor thing. I live in a country with long school hours, so having friends over after school is not really a thing thank god

I think a stern talking with your two and early to bed as they were obviously too tired to behave properly. Explain that having friends over is a privilege, one the they've now lost until they can prove that they'll be responsible with friends over.

All so, I have 5 DC and I generally find that having friends for multiple DC at the same time never ends well. They show off to each other and get up to all kinds of hi-jinks.

Ah, the hiding at home time thing, I remember it fondly (not). Give up play dates for now. Keep the nerf gun hidden until they are old enough to use it sensibly. It can be confiscated and hidden, and it's not your fault if you don't remember where it is Also, balls confiscated. As you said, no real interest in it, apart from kicking into neighbours side of the garden.

Play dates are exhausting.
I find adult house guests exhausting. Much better to meet on neutral ground for a maximum of two hours.

Was it windy where you are? One of the ids primary school teachers swore blind that it used to make all the kids act up. I secretly scoffed at the idea but as the years went by I wondered if there was a bit of truth to it.

Cats are always extra skittish when it's windy. 🤔

I had a very strict rule with mine that they could have one friend over a week, on a Friday and that they all had a friend so no one was left out. That way, it was over in one hit and I could just about cope with it! I never did tea though, too much of a minefield and they had to be collected by 6 so it was no more than 3 hours. I was very relieved tbh when they all got to secondary and it seemed to change!!

They are certainly old enough to know better but if it makes you feel better, my DD when she was 9 had a friend over and they were playing outside. I have no idea how it happened, but they were playing with stones off of next doors front drive and DD ended up smashing my car window. It's the only blot on her otherwise unblemished record!

I would suggest that in future, if you can, arrange for one dc to be at their friends while your other dc has a friend home. This way you only have one pair of dc to keep an eye on. I think it was mainly your ds causing the issues although your dd did shoot him with the nerf gun, I expect she was annoyed at him taking her friend away and then breaking something she had made.

So separate them next time.

Your kids were playing and having fun on a playdate. Shock horror

Haha DeeDooDee - my parents used to say:-

They've got the wind up their ass!

(Cats, kids, horses alike can be skittish when it's windy)

SDTgenius - I'm going to try and memorise those words

Erm, BOTH children had friends over at the same time?

Next time dont do that. One at the time. The other kid will have screentime in his room, on a tablet or something.... If he behaves well during siblings playdate, then HE gets to have a friend over.

And STICK to it. Dont negotiate. There is no democracy, and there is no room for bargaining. YOUR rules, or home time.

Deedoo, yes quite windy here
Mycats - ah you've trumped my crap play date, and I had just been thinking that although DD did the worst thing it was DS who was the thundering nuisance throughout. Play dates when one is out do work much better!

Quintess - yes, I agree, good plan. One at a time.

sack the play dates, go focus on your dad. Far better for your kids for you to do this.

Say no more playdates this school year - it's a busy enough time of year anyway and there aren't that many weeks left. See how you feel in Oct when they've found their feet in their new classes.

I've had a couple of hellish ones too, but they are not all bad.

Yanbu at all. Sounds like you've been put the the mill at a time when you don't need it. Sorry to hear about your Dad
Have a break from them and don't give it a second thought

Yes, when I say 'one at a time' I do mean in the distant future. I don't need these sort of play dates in my life now, llet alone with everything else going on with my poor Dad.

I didn't even read all your post but yanbu. Who could be bothered with that shite? We don't do it, they okay enough in school.

I'm confused with all the agreement. Apart from the nerf gun thing, nothing there is that bad at all, a big over reaction from you. Balls, yes annoying, but in the grand scheme of things, not a big deal, all kids kick balls over. Bread, hand hoover to DD to clean up. The rest, um, nope, struggling to see the issues.

One small crumb of advice to add to everyone else's excellent points:

You are feeling stressed at the moment because of your dad. (Hugs.) Everything is feeling like too much. You do have some inclination to possibly do playdates - or you used to anyway, and you might again.

Therefore, don't give ultimatums or make final decisions which you might not want to keep. You might actually feel different later on and decide that playdates might be okay after all under certain circumstances.

You could say something like: "I am really angry about your behaviour Friday. This is too much for me. I don't feel inclined to have your friends around again for a long time because you two got so overexcited. The balls and Nerf gun are getting locked up for the time being." And just leave it at that. That way you are free to decide later what you want to do. You can choose when, whether and under what circumstances you might want to do playdates. Don't paint yourself into a corner by issuing threats or announcements about withdrawing privileges for x amount of time.