DB has had problems all his adult life, which all stem from substance abuse, mainly alcohol. Over the past 20 years he has lost jobs and friends , been banned from driving twice, been arrested and charged for assault (got off on a technicality), and now his child is the subject of a child protection order. All of this is because of things that happen when he is drunk. He is nearly 40 now.
His partner has 2 older DC from other relationships. DB's relationship with partner is volatile, largely because he is a nasty drunk who says vile things to her and her older 2 DC when in drink, which he then cannot remember afterwards. Her older 2 children have chosen to live with their dads now as a result. DB considers he doesn't have a drink problem because he "only drinks at the weekend". But every Fri and Sat night he has a bottle of wine and 4 beers (each night) and thinks that is ok. Most weekends there is a row, frequently these are major, and I imagine very frightening for the DC to overhear.
Recently things have come to a head and the child protection order put in place. Only a year ago was the charge for assaulting his partner.
DB seems to see all of this as some sort of conspiracy in which events which are "not that bad" are made to look much worse than they are. He doesn't join the dots to recognise that the circumstances that have led to this all arise from his drinking. Whether he actually does realise that deep down, and chooses to ignore it. I don't know. Has said to me that he can't imagine never drinking again as "I've got to have something". Says he doesn't have any friends, never goes out, a weekend drink is all he has to look forward to each week. I have told him that what he does have is a child, who he loves, and who will be taken away eventually, either by his mother or God forbid, social services, if these events don't stop happening.
He always bounces back to my parents' home when things go wrong (they live close by, I am an hour away) never thanks them for their support, never apologises for his behaviour. Over the years they have replaced cars he has written off when drunk, bailed him out financially, my dad has spent 2 periods of 18 months driving him to and from work every day while he was banned (so he wouldn't lose the job). Now they hide alcohol and car keys when he is there. They are in their 70s and don't want to be picking up the pieces any more but I think fear what would become of him if they didn't. Both of them text me regularly telling me they have had enough. It is destroying their relationship with each other and their ability to enjoy life. It's like a constant shadow for DM worrying what will happen next. She wakes in the night worrying about it. My dad says little but his disappointment is obvious.
I offer to have DB at mine but he rarely comes as it's not convenient for his work. Have tried to talk to him about getting help to stop drinking; he won't countenance it.
Despite all this, my DB is actually a nice person when "normal" and I love him so much. AIBU to expect him to get himself together for the sake of his child and for the sake of our parents, who will not be around forever? What can I do to make him realise this? What can I do to help my parents?