To be offended at my mums actions?

[Homebirdmama]

I live in a different part of the country to my family. We are actually moving back there in a couple of weeks.
I didn't realise a lot would surface about my childhood and how my mum always seemed to favourite my sister. Anyway, that's another back story. The move will be absolutely to our advantage and our toddler will have an upbringing in lovely surroundings etc.

So my sister and I our doing the same course. I passed my exams a few months ago. I have it on hold now until we move due to moving stress and also I had a big anxiety episode. My sister passed her exams last week.

I was just on the phone to my mum and she dropped in conversation that she was getting my sister a congratulations card. Well. I got so choked up I had to cut the phone call short.

I know a lot of you will probably tell me to grow up and pull up my big girls pants. This is just the latest example of favouritism I've experienced throughout my life from my mum. I think it's come as a shock because it's not happened a lot since I've lived up the country. I guess there hasn't been to many situations where it could happen if that makes sense!

AIBU???

Unless she comes back to apologise, I think I would go to minimum contact in your shoes. You don't really need her in your life, do you?

None of us would tell you to grow up OP as a lot of us have had similar things happen.

Last year, my whole family went on holiday and I wasn't invited. My mum lied and told them that I couldn't go. She hadn't even asked me. I'd had an awful year (which she knew) and I ended up in counselling for depression.

Please try to rise above it. I know now that she's the problem, not me. You can only change yourself, not her (unfortunately).

What kind of relationship do you have with your sister? Has your sister ever noticed this kind of treatment and mentioned it to you? Just trying to get a feel of the family dynamic here.

I'm glad you said 'Where was mine?'. Call her out on it - she knows she's wrong. It may come from a weird place of her actually thinking she doesn't need to support you as much because you're more capable than your sister, but she's still wrong; you can support both children, it's not a choice she needs to make here.

Very well done on your achievement

Thank you all so much for your replies! I will try my best to answer everything here.

We are moving back because I do miss it so very much. I am lonely up here with no friends and family. Down there it is beautiful and I have friends and family and it'll be a lovely place for my toddler to live. We are all very excited.

My mum is a very good grandmother and thus far have zero concerns. My sister also has a daughter 6 months younger. I've not yet had any concern there and although I've had my issues with my mum, I don't want to stil her seeing her until I see otherwise that she isn't behaving how I think is suitable. She had the same wth her parents and as a result we didn't have much to do with our grandparents and it's something I want for my toddler more than anything is to have a good relationship with her grandparents.

My Dad and I have a nice relationship, he's remarried but I unfortunately was oblivious to all of this favouritism growing up.

My sister and I get on very well. She knows how my mum is generally (a bit odd). My sister doesn't suffer any mental health issues and I firmly believe this is because we were both raised totally differently. My sister is also oblivious to the favouritism. I want the cousins to spent lots of time together and have fun!

My mum always talks about how much she can't wait to take them out for days and have sleepovers etc and she is genuinely excited and very hands on.

Re counselling, I've had CBT which was just awful and not for me. I have been on the waiting list for counselling but as I'm moving now I'll have to get back into the system again unless I can afford to do it privately. I do really want to get it sorted and put to bed so that I stop having these anxiety and depression relapses. I think all the above definitely contributes.

My MIL how is very straight laced and black and white (in a very good way) has also bought a property to be near us so we also have her there to which will be nice.

Also thank you for the congratulations 😊 I really appreciate it. We're both doing our L2 fitness instructor and L3 Personal Trainer.

I put on 6 stone during and after pregnancy, lost I through diet and weight lifting and it inspired me immensely!

The thing that gets me is that she told you about the card. There was no need to mention it. She could have got your sister a card and not mentioned it. So the only reason to mention it was to hurt you. Which means she knows what she's doing. Which means it's not subconscious favouritism.

My sister is also oblivious to the favouritism

My Dad and I have a nice relationship, he's remarried but unfortunately was oblivious to all of this favouritism growing up

It's great you say you get on with your sister and your DF and your MIL. Great you have good relationships with them.

However, if no-one seems aware of this favouritism, who will notice if your mother favours one of her grandchildren over the other? Only if you are around to keep an eye on things.

I understand you wanting a happy family and of course it would be lovely for the two little cousins to grow up knowing each other well.

It's such a difficult situation. Wouldn't like this move to cause you more heartache. I have so often longed for a family like in the movies. Well, the right movies iyswim!

She knows what she is doing OP. Please don't kid yourself. Once you are back, it's likely the cycle will repeat itself with your child and your sister's child and you will have it drummed in to you even more about how your sister is the favourite. I can't imagine it's going to do your self esteem any favours.

You sound like you are going back for a fantasy, idyllic life. The reality will quite possibly be much different. How will your child feel if they are the less favoured DGC? It's all very well saying you didn't have a relationship with GPs and you don't want the same for your DD, but you can't guarantee anything.

I understand your thinking but I also think you're living in cloud cuckoo land if you think that your mother will be fair to your children and your nieces/ nephews. Favouritism tends to continue down the generations (ok it's a generalisation but still), and you may find that your DD's cousins start to be treated preferentially to your DD and other DC of yours.

Keep your eyes open for this. Do not accept it, do not tolerate it, do not excuse it. Your DD will notice as she grows up.

No relationship with grandparents is many times better than any relationship with a shit grandparent.

My DM can be incredibly insensitive and hurtful (but also generous and lovely). Actually so can my DSIS. I've recently had to realise that these are grown women whose behaviours I can't affect in any meaningful way, and it really is up to me how I react to them rather than wishing they would change.

When it's the same hurtful small behaviour I think you can help by always having a response ready for when they do it, and cutting them off straight away. DM used to say all the time how she never wanted kids but DF really did. My sisters and I got so sick of it we all made a concerted effort to be ready to tell her what a hurtful thing it was to say every time she said it (hard to describe but she'd just sort of drop it into conversation?). Now she hardly ever says that articulate thing any more.

But as a rule, I'm trying to live my own life, have far far lower expectations and spend more time with people who are nicer to be around!

Good luck x

Am I understanding this correctly - you and your sister both passed exams/qualification (you a few months ago and sister more recently) and your DM tells you she got your sister a congratulations card and she didn't get you a card? And then she plays a tiny violin for herself when you ask where your card is?

That is very mean of your Mum and I agree with others it seems to be a deliberate act - very unnecessary of her to tell you about the card unless it was a direct intent to hurt you.

I doubt very much your Mum will change - I hope you can find a good counselor who can help you process this and move forward.

Personally I will be telling my sister each and every time something like this happens. She might not see it, or she might not want to see it.

she explained how my brother was easier to love than I was and that I was not the daughter she wanted

What unbelievable cruelty.

It sounds as if you have a lovely family and a great mil. TBH I don't think it's sad that you didn't see the favouritism growing up. It's harder when you actually see your sibling being favoured as a child. At least as an adult you can take responsibility for your own emotions and happiness. I'd veer toward those, who do love you and keep your boundaries up and protect yourself with those, who don't treat you as you deserve to be treated. I've had a LOT of therapy. My dad is deceased, as is my mil, who thought a lot of me. My sil is awful to me and my child and my brother does nothing about it so we are low contact. My mother is narcissistic and I have finally at 46 learnt to deal with her. And yet still, life is what you make of it. I have a lovely husband and child. Unfortunately I don't have my health. But I'm doing ok. Life really is about muddling by. I hope you find the peace you're looking for.

This is a bad situation waiting to happen - OP you were right to post, and you'll get a lot of good advice here which I suggest you really take on baord.

Clearly you're pretty level headed and you have good reasons for moving back and you'll have MIL and your 'own' side of the family.

But, don't underestimate how hard this could well turn out to be.

It's much easier to brush off this kind of thing when you don't live it 24/7, and it's easier to cope with when it's in the past and not happening now.

I think you need to be very clear that this might not work out the way you want it to and that it could well end up affecting your children and your good relationship with your sister if handled badly. Because your mum is not going to change and you aren't going to be seeing just these little slights. What happens if your mum clearly puts your sister's children above yours? Is willing to help your sister but not you? Takes sides if anything goes wrong? Praises your sister's parenting and choices and lifestyle at your expense? Ends up driving a wedge between you and other family members, does stuff your kids notice, colours your experience of being back where you wanted to be?

I would

• speak to your sister especially, if you can, about the favouritism.
• be clear from the off that you keep your mum at arm's length. Don't, especially, try and 'win' her favour (or even equal treatment) by letting her in to your family as much as she wants, by gifting her some sort of free access to your kids. It won't work in your favour. You know what she's like - she won't change.
• from the very start, make a life and friends OUTSIDE your family.

Good luck...

Oh and I think I'd be proactive about getting together with your sister WITHOUT your mum.

Build a strong relationship with her and get the cousins together WITHOUT granny as much as possible. Yes, lovely granny time is lovely, sleepovers etc. But make sure you develop a seperate relationship with your sister and her children from the off.

Your mum probably won't like that though, I fancy. However having gone back and read your posts properly, she's clearly a pretty horrid woman, and I'd be watching her like a hawk for any differentiation between the grandchildren.

Got a feeling this won't work particularly well OP.

Having spent 50 years trying to appease and please a mother like this I understand only too well.
Like mine I expect she has a degree in manipulation and no one else will see what is happening because she will be lavishing praise on you all the time and telling them how wonderful you are.
Be very careful.. mine managed to alienate one of my daughters from me under the guise of 'helping' me, don't let your child spend too much time with her.
The card is a small issue but I bet it is a case of the final straw.. and you can bet your bottom dollar that she had every intention of letting you know she was sending your sis one. She would love for you and sis to fall out over this as then you will both direct all your attention on her and not each other.
Do not feel guilty.. this is not your problem, it is hers and hers alone
Just be very careful in your dealings with her and remember anything you tell her will be used against you.
The best thing I ever did was to turn my back and walk away from mine, it saved my sanity and made me feel free at last. Yes I paid for it financially but no amount of money would have mended the pain she had caused over the years.

I'm not sure that she will change because I wonder whether she even realises she's doing it. The only thing I can suggest is point it out EVERY TIME and when she tries to make out that you are being mean to her, say 'No Mum, I'M reacting to what YOU have said and done'.

This happens all the time with my OH. I just say that we won't be the ones doing the caring and sorting should mil ever need to go into a home or be cared for. That can be saved for the children she does acknowledge exist

Mother defends her past actions by saying my sister always needed her more

This with bells on. Know exactly how you feel op

My Mum's the same. Although she does try to be even handed, it is a bit obvious sometimes. I was my Dad's favourite, so I guess she thinks she's redressing the balance now he's passed.

I think all parents have favourites. You won't change her. You just have to accept that she values your sister more. It's really annoying, but it doesn't make you less great at what you do or who you are.

For some reason, the fact that it is so obvious and yet your sister and your Dad are oblivious is what really gives me shivers. I can't quite articulate why ... but I think it is because it suggests more of a toxic mess than you are yourself aware of. Your mother plays obvious favourites. Your sister, who is the recipient of the favouritism, is oblivious and your father, who should have been looking out for you, is also oblivious. You are tolerant of their obliviousness to the point that you are not recognising the potential toxicity of their obliviousness. In other words, you are oblivious to a lot as well. I suspect that the relationship with your father and sister is 'nice' only because you play certain roles and don't rock the boat that they have nice upper-deck cabins in, whilst you scrub the decks. At the same time, you seem to really crave 'niceness', a relationship with your sister and your daughter having nice cousins and a doting grandmother... Sorry to be so blunt, but something just strikes me as odd here.

The move back sounds idyllic on one level, but a trip to toxicity on others. Sorry - I think you should consider counselling before you move to figure out more about your own, possibly subconscious, motives for moving and whether the reality is going to really match the fantasy.

If it helps, I have a similar situation.

Get yourself ready for the fact that this will probably flow down to the DC - your DC will probably never mean as much to your DM as those of your DSis; they will not receive the same attention or support.

OP, congratulations on making such a life change and getting your qualifications!
Is it possible that she thinks you're more capable/resilient than your DSIS?

You may be returning to a part of the country you love, but, not wishing to be mean, don't expect proximity to your DM to result in a closer relationship: from the sound of it, she's hard work - always has been and is showing little sign of changing.
I'm glad you'll have other friends and family nearby.
You are worthy of putting yourself, your feelings and the needs of your children first instead of hers. You are not to feel guilty if you decide to go low/no contact with her.
The standards of what you want for your children (to not be made to feel shit): you ARE worthy of expecting the same standards for yourself of your mother.
for you OP, hope the move goes well