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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let her go to the fair?

32 replies

GreenHairDontCare · 10/05/2017 21:04

Dd is 13. She has a fair amount of freedom but over the last few weeks has started seriously taking the piss with coming home and staying in touch.

She asked to go to the fair after school with her friends tomorrow. I said I'd think about it.

Today she phoned me from the bus to say she was going to E's house and would be back by half five. I said it would have to be half five for dinner and she she promised.

She strolled in at 6.30. No phone call or text and when I tried to ring I couldn't get through (turns out she was on the phone to her mate for the whole time).

I've now said no to the fair. Not as a punishment, really, but because we can't trust her and it wouldn't be safe.

She has completely flipped. She was hysterical until about an hour ago, and has now come back down crying and pleading. She's trying to think of all sorts of ways round it, giving me all her friend's numbers, DH picking her up at a set time and so on.

Aibu to stick to my guns? She has proven time and time again that she is no good at sticking to a time or keeping in contact. The idea of her going to a busy, boozy fair with a gaggle of mates leaves me cold. I wasn't much older than her when I first went and it was basically an excuse to drink and smoke and snog. She's only 13! She so far shown no signs of being into all that but then I imagine my parents thought the same.

Added to this, I've read her texts and know that the reason she's so desperate to go is to meet a boy. She doesn't know I know and hasn't mentioned it.

She's sitting on her bedroom floor now weeping. I feel awful, but I need to stick to this, don't I?

OP posts:

NorksAkimbo72 · 10/05/2017 21:08

Yep. I'm afraid you do...she won't learn about keeping time until she loses a bit of freedom. And if she does it again after this, she loses another event. Repeat as necessary!

early30smum · 10/05/2017 21:10

Stick to your guns. Easier said than done but there have to be consequences for bad behaviour.

Fruitcorner123 · 10/05/2017 21:10

You must stick to your guns this is a lesson she will remember. I don't think that she is at significant risk and your worries, though natural, are probably exaggerating the real risk in your mind BUT she has to learn to be more reliable and she actually does deserve to be punished for not following your rules.

FelixtheMouse · 10/05/2017 21:15

If you give way over this you are storing up major trouble for the future.

Original poster

GreenHairDontCare · 10/05/2017 21:17

Thanks. She is veering wildly between telling me she hates me and hugging me, sobbing. Ugh. Give me the terrible twos over this any day.

OP posts:

summerblonde · 10/05/2017 21:18

You need to stick to your guns. She will want more freedom and for longer periods as she gets older. The boundaries need to be set now whilst you still have control. It will make life easier for both of you in the future!

AnyFucker · 10/05/2017 21:19

Stick to it

She has to earn the trust required to have the freedom she wants

So far, that is a big fat fail for her

summerblonde · 10/05/2017 21:21

She's acting hysterical because she knows you're serious. I'm sure I did this at that age, all me me me! Stick to your guns. If you back down now she'll just do this every time.

TheWitTank · 10/05/2017 21:33

Oh the pain of being 13!! I remember going off to the fair with my mates terribly excited and with those young crush butterflies. I know I would also have been devestated if I couldn't go, it seems life ending to be left out of such a thing at the time.
That said, I do think she needs to learn that when you say you are going to do something you do it. You don't come home an hour late with no apology and no phone call, it's rude and disrespectful. I think you stick to no fair this time and explain that if she can't behave in a mature way and do as she is told then these are the consequences.

sueelleker · 11/05/2017 11:22

And make sure she doesn't say she's going to a mate's house, and nip off to the fair from there!

Original poster

GreenHairDontCare · 11/05/2017 11:23

Oh I've told her if she's not straight home from school today she's grounded for a reeeeeaaally long time.

She went off to school still hating me. I'm selfish and a liar (?) and don't love her apparently. Le sigh.

OP posts:

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 11/05/2017 11:25

No easy route through those teenage years, but yes, stick to your guns - easier said than done

TheoriginalLEM · 11/05/2017 11:28

what if she comes home as promised? could you let her go gor a short while? is it a visiting fair? tbh i would probably stick to my guns but if its a once a year thing id relent with very tight restrictions

Soubriquet · 11/05/2017 11:28

Ah I would find it hard to put my foot down on this as I'm guessing the fair is a once or twice a year thing only?

I would have given a different punishment but I think now you've said it, you might have to stick to it...

If she comes straight home from school today, why don't you reward her by saying yes you can go to the fair because you did as your told but still put rules in like must be Home by this time, or something like that

SurlyValentine · 11/05/2017 11:31

It's hard, but you've got to stick to your word. You've said yourself she's been taking the piss, and coming home an hour late yesterday after promising to be on time was the final straw.

Not going to the fair won't kill her, and hopefully will make her think about the consequences of her actions in future.

dollydaydream114 · 11/05/2017 11:34

I'd let a 13-year-old go to the fair if they'd been generally well-behaved and trustworthy - but as she hasn't as has been taking the piss lately, then I think you should stick to your guns and ignore her tantrums.

SurlyValentine · 11/05/2017 11:36

But why should she get a reward for coming straight home from school Soub? Isn't that pretty standard behaviour for most kids? I don't see how that gets her off the hook from the last few weeks of being repeatedly late home and not keeping in touch.

And what use would telling her to be home by a certain time be? She's shown that she totally disregards those boundaries. Whatever punishment is given, she won't care because she's already been to the fair.

VimFuego101 · 11/05/2017 11:38

You said it so you need to stick to it.

WashBasketsAreUs · 11/05/2017 11:40

Has she come out with the " but everyone else is going" comment yet? Mine used to try that one, my answer was well, then they can tell you all about when you next see them! Stick to your guns, mine always knew if I said not to do something and I caught them out there would be sanctions and I never backed down. They've survived. Best of luck!

Original poster

GreenHairDontCare · 11/05/2017 11:44

Yep. She's said I've really upset all her friends as they all want her there, as well.

OP posts:

Soubriquet · 11/05/2017 12:11

Like I said, if it was something that wasn't going to go after a few days, I would stick to my guns

strugglinghuman · 11/05/2017 12:35

Slackening of boundaries is what will do it every time. Children are like men, as soon as they get the idea in their head it's an option to stretch the boundaries this far one day, it is an option to do it again for all the days that follow.

You can be as conciliatory about it as you like, you can treat her as nicely as you like, it is even good if you don't argue, but matter-of-factly sticking to your decisions is vital.

strugglinghuman · 11/05/2017 12:35

YANBU

TheRealPooTroll · 11/05/2017 12:45

Since she's been taking the pee for a while I think a stern conversation was in order letting her know that if she came home late again she would be losing some of the freedom she's allowed inc the fair. Then at least she would have been warned and had the choice to change her behaviour. I think just landing the punishment on her was unfair and for that reason I would let her go to the fair but make it clear that the next time she's late home without letting you know/good reason she won't be allowed to go out with her friends until you feel you can trust her to be more sensible.

OhJustPassTheCake · 11/05/2017 13:23

The punishment is obviously working otherwise she wouldn't be so upset! ABSOLUTELY do not back down, it's because of HER behaviour that you've done this and that's what she needs to realise!

I couldn't give two shits if the fair is only around for a few days, that's her tough luck, she should have come home when she said she would! If you back out now the whole thing has been a waste of time.

I'd be quite pleased if I were you, I reckon this will have worked and she'll be home "on the dot" after this (once she's allowed out again lol!) Stay strong OP, stay strong! xxxx

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