To not let her go to the fair?

[GreenHairDontCare]

Dd is 13. She has a fair amount of freedom but over the last few weeks has started seriously taking the piss with coming home and staying in touch.

She asked to go to the fair after school with her friends tomorrow. I said I'd think about it.

Today she phoned me from the bus to say she was going to E's house and would be back by half five. I said it would have to be half five for dinner and she she promised.

She strolled in at 6.30. No phone call or text and when I tried to ring I couldn't get through (turns out she was on the phone to her mate for the whole time).

I've now said no to the fair. Not as a punishment, really, but because we can't trust her and it wouldn't be safe.

She has completely flipped. She was hysterical until about an hour ago, and has now come back down crying and pleading. She's trying to think of all sorts of ways round it, giving me all her friend's numbers, DH picking her up at a set time and so on.

Aibu to stick to my guns? She has proven time and time again that she is no good at sticking to a time or keeping in contact. The idea of her going to a busy, boozy fair with a gaggle of mates leaves me cold. I wasn't much older than her when I first went and it was basically an excuse to drink and smoke and snog. She's only 13! She so far shown no signs of being into all that but then I imagine my parents thought the same.

Added to this, I've read her texts and know that the reason she's so desperate to go is to meet a boy. She doesn't know I know and hasn't mentioned it.

She's sitting on her bedroom floor now weeping. I feel awful, but I need to stick to this, don't I?

YANBU at all. When she's piling the pressure on just keep reminding yourself of this: Not as a punishment, really, but because we can't trust her and it wouldn't be safe.

She's going to need to earn your trust, it can't be obtained by crying.

YANBU in the slightest. Consequences need to be something that matter or she isn't going to modify her behaviour. Ok, so she's upset and you feel guilty but once she's stopped being upset she's going to click pretty quickly that taking the piss isn't worth it. That's a huge lesson for teens.

YANBU - if you don't follow through on what you have said next time you don't have a leg to stand on. Kids that age need boundaries and consistency. Doesn't make it any easier though.

Yes, you must be consistent. She has to learn that there are consequences to her actions. If you let her go now she will learn the totally wrong lesson. Even if you feel like unbending because you feel you've been harsh, giving in then says all that crying, pleading, hysterical outbursts of loathing, etc actually worked and she should try it next time...

13?

It's going to get worse before it gets better!

Stick to your guns and good luck.

Agree with everyone else. I have a 13 yr old DD, so can sympathise. Do not give in after school, she didn't exactly apologise and go off to school on a good note, so she needs to be more mature over her actions/emotions (yes I know v difficult at that age, but lessons need to be learnt). Good luck later, you're doing the right thing.

I would definitely not let her go. Strolling in late, not keeping in touch, that's not ok and scary for a parent. If she has a consequence here she'll make sure not to keep doing that. In addition I would be clamping right down on the way she's speaking to you. Nip that in the bud, I'd be livid.