To expect my almost 5 year old to do as he is told most of the time?

[LoudestRoar]

Today has been another circle of me asking nicely to listen to me, and to do as he is told, only to have him ignore me, and carry on with whatever it is I've asked him not to.
Normally it's to please leave his little brother alone, but it can be any number of things. I just really shouted as I'd just had a conversation about how he needs to listen (which he agreed with!) Only in the next second to play with the door I'd just asked him to leave alone!
I can hear dh downstairs having the same issue over tidying up. I'm at my wits end, and hate having to yell. I'm not the only one, am I?

My 5.5 yr old dd does this ALL THE time

It is driving DH and me demented. She is perfect at school though!

Are you punishing him when he doesn't do as you ask?

is the answer.
It will pass.

When they move out.

DS2 is 6 and has suddenly realised he has free will; he was great as a toddler and until now has always just got on with it, but now he's sussed it, it's like he wants to make my head explode because I've had to adopt the stance of a United Nations Peace Envoy just to get him to brush his teeth or put his school shoes on.

Free will is massively overrated.

Trifleorbust Time out, and if it continues, something removed (loss ofMinecraft time hits him the hardest ) It stops him for a while, then an hour later, we're back at square one

Free will. That's a bugger when they realise that they actually have this.

Hmm. Maybe he is getting a little old for a short time out to work? How would he feel about early bedtime, no toys out?

You're not the only one! Ds1 who's 5.5 is exactly the same! I hope it's a phase and it finishes soon! Good luck to us all!

What happens when he ignores your requests? If nothing happens then he going to keep ignoring you. Therefore you need to introduce consequences.

I feel so bad at the moment for yelling at my six year old. I ask so nicely so many times and he just ignores me. If I holler he notices and snaps into attention. It drives me nuts. I don't want to be shouting at him.
Its so reassuring to know may other parents are also being ignored.
I might actually get his hearing tested.

I agree it's them realising they have free will. I have a 5yo who has realised the same. I am teaching her that if she chooses to do as she is told she gets something she wants. If she chooses not too, she doesn't. Basically I bribe her with Shopkins. If she gets through the week without getting three warnings she gets shopkins on a Friday. It's working.

My DD is exactly the same

I have exhausted all avenues.

That's a good idea whatser as mentioned, i do publish, but maybe I should try the reward route.

Remember he is only being trained. He is not there yet. Its a work in progress. Just keep saying ..you need to do what mom says..and lots of praise when he does. But they are not robots so never going to be totally in line.
Im always recommending it..but.. how to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk ..is a great book.

I've heard that book mentioned often june I'll look into it, thank you.
I'm out tomorrow night, so dh has said that if ds behaves, he will have a mini camp out in the living room with him tomorrow night, so I'll use that as an incentive for tomorrow.

Ive ordered the book from my library. Thank you.

A thing to remember is that sanctions don't work for all children. I could ban and confiscate til the cows came home and it still wouldn't get them to do what was asked - it always seemed to make them entrench their position further! So what I have to do is use the carrot - they got what they want, once they've done what they need to do e.g. They are told they can have the TV on, once the washing up is done.

The other thing I have learnt is sometimes their intransigence comes from just wanting some adult interaction. My DS who is ten was a nightmare for refusing to go to bed, but once we cottoned on to the fact he just wants someone to take him up, tuck him, give him two mins (quite literally!) of chat or a back pat, then he goes off like a dream. It requires only 5 mins effort, by the saves an hour in arguments over bed.

I suppose what I'm saying is, step back and try a different approach - sometimes a counter-intuitive one, if it's not working!

I don't think it's all about free will although that is part of it. Children get easily absorbed in things and don't necessarily listen to or hear what is said. Perhaps try the route of ensuring you have his full attention before you say what you want him to do and then check his understanding. That way you can distinguish between being ignored and simply not heard. Mine drive me round the bend sometimes!

I think SovietKitsch has summed it up perfectly. As difficult as it is, having two DD, I always know when DD1 who is older feels a bit left out/neglected, DD2 is younger and demands more attention...just a rebalance by sitting with/taking an interest in what DD1 is playing with, makes the difference with listening. I know you probably try this already if you are having a chat and still getting nowhere, but rewarding may then be a better option. You are BU and not alone in this :)

• NOT BU aargh! Lol

If it's things like not annoying his brother then he should stop when you tell him.
For other things that you can plan, try giving him warning that whatever he is doing is coming to an end. Anyone would be annoyed or ignore it if they were in the middle of some fun activity and someone ordered you to stop immediately. Get a big egg timer and tell him that when all the blue sand has gone to the other side then it will be time for a bath or whatever.

For tidying up, tell him that everything needs to be tidied before the end of the song etc. They need to see it or hear it to understand. No good saying "5 minutes" if they don't have any concept of time.

I can absolutely relate to this. My 5yo is a bloody pain recently with not listening. Swinging on the door, slamming the door etc. He's actually a really well behaved child and always wants to please us so it's kind of odd. His concentration skills are quite poor so maybe when I think he's listening to me, he's away in superhero land!

I must be the only person with a 6 year old that I would rather wasn't completely prepared to do everything she was told to.

This is a family, not a sodding concentration camp, and she's a person, not a slave.

Titty - yes but being asked to stop being mean to a sibling or tidy some toys away is not exactly slavery is it?

Y Y to getting hearing checked - good to rule that one out.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen (etc) is a GREAT book.

But it's also about (as PPs have said) making sure your message is clearly understood by the child. EG "don't do that" doesn't make sense to a kid - they don't realize that the fun drum they're banging goes RIGHT THROUGH YOUR HEAD!!!

Try and use positive language where you can... there's some evidence that using a sentence with "don't" in it, kids hear as "do". EG "don't walk on the grass". Two seconds later "why are you walking on the grass" "because you told me to!"
Here's what I mean....
Don't think about apples. Don't picture apples in your mind.

Don't think about the shiny apple the wicked stepmother gives to Snow White?

Don't think about the crunch when you bite into an apple, or how it tastes in your mouth.

See what I mean?

Try and find ways of framing what your saying so you name the behaviour you want rather than the behaviour you don't. (not "don't stand in the mud" more "please walk on the path")

And give praise, praise, praise when you get it. Always notice and thank.

The other thing I recommend is giving 2 CLEAR choices and a relevant consequence. EG You can keep being mean to your DBro and not have a story/pudding/extra telly or you can be kind to your DBro and we can play a nice game together. I'd like to play a fun game with you, but I can't do that if your DBro is crying because you've niggled him.

Hope some of this is useful!

Ignore where you can.