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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask when it's ok to stop inviting some one along to group events

27 replies

Nicpem1982 · 10/05/2017 17:02

I have a group of friends all with dcs the same age. We have in the past done lots of meet ups/days out play dates etc.

I feel that with one particular friend ours and our children's friendship has naturally run its course, shes cancelled meeting up both in our group or individually around 10/12 times since Christmas.

Some times she plans events then cancels them/some times me ot another member of the group plans events and she always cancels last minute for reasons along the lines of to hot/cold/tired/ just doesn't want to anymore.

She's now cancelled plans through to the end of July as she's busy, which is fine as I appreciate that plans change and people have their own lives :)

Aibu to now just stop inviting her and her dc to things I plan/organise? I don't want to deliberately exclude anyone but I'm fed up of wasting my time

OP posts:
minipie · 10/05/2017 17:05

There might be a reason. If she's a friend maybe ask her if everything is ok?

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/05/2017 17:08

I have I messaged her privately each time she's cancelled to check to see if she's ok. When she cancelled for being too tired I offered to have her dc for an afternoon so she could rest she still declined.

Other friends have too

OP posts:
sonjadog · 10/05/2017 17:09

Has she been to anything you have invited her to since Christmas, or nothing at all? If she hasn't´t been to anything, and you have invited her 10-12 times, then I would stop now. She can take the initiative in August if she wants to, or if she asks why she isn´t invited, then it is reasonable to say you thought she wasn´t interested after so many refusals.

minipie · 10/05/2017 17:13

Oh right. Well in that case I think you can stop yes. There may still be something going on that she doesn't want to talk about, but think it's fair enough to stop with the invitations and maybe check in with her in a few months instead.

highinthesky · 10/05/2017 17:13

Is it really hurting you to continue inviting her, in anticipation of her not turning up? Abitarily leaving her out will serve no purpose other than to alienate her. Would you like to be on the recieving end?

Be kind instead: when you next see her, do let her know you understand she has other commitments and ask her to confirm whether she wants to be part of the group or not, because you don't want to feel like you are bothering her with additional email / W'App traffic etc.

highinthesky · 10/05/2017 17:14

^inviting her to the group events, that is. I wouldn't bother so much about individual play dates.

jelliebelly · 10/05/2017 17:21

Gosh that sounds like a lot of events - it's all a bit full on / just ask her whether she wants to keep being invited or not .

RebootYourEngine · 10/05/2017 17:24

I would take it as a hint that she isnt interested so i would stop with the invitations.

Dozer · 10/05/2017 17:29

Do you like her?

BenjaminLinus · 10/05/2017 17:29

Has she moved on to a new group of friends from school/hobbies etc? If so then let it go, if she's stopped seeing anyone then keep up the invites, but maybe pop round to actually talk to her.

minipie · 10/05/2017 17:30

I think it sounds like she is struggling with something. illness physical or mental, bad family situation, something. She wants to come but then in the moment she can't manage it.

I would stop inviting her because the invitations themselves may be a source of anxiety for her if she keeps having to come up with reasons etc. But keep in touch.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/05/2017 17:31

Saw her in March last we paid for the families into an attraction in lieu of Christmas present but they left after 90 mins as it wasn't for them.

high it's not about being kind part of it is the preparation/costs that go into the events for example at Easter one of the group did a lovely Easter party and went to considerable expense she text 30 mins before and said she didn't want to come and that her dc was fine they just weren't coming as she didn't want to

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/05/2017 17:32

Dozer - I don't spend my time with people I don't like I certainly don't offer to have their dcs either so they can rest

OP posts:
JakeBallardswife · 10/05/2017 17:37

She's not that interested in being in the group. I think I'd stop inviting her. Cancelling over 12 times is a lot. Wonder why she just declines invites instead of accepting then pulling outz

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/05/2017 17:39

jake she does both she either straight out declines or accepts then cancels at the last minute

OP posts:
FlyingElbows · 10/05/2017 17:39

Maybe just take the hint? She doesn't have to explain why but she clearly doesn't want to be involved. You can stop now.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/05/2017 17:44

flying if it was just me/others organising stuff and she was declining/not turning up then yeah the hint would be crystal clear but she's doing some of the organising an cancelling that too

OP posts:
Dozer · 10/05/2017 17:55

You exchange christmas gifts and paid for other families to attend an attraction? Your mutual friend had an expensive easter party.

It all sounds like quite a lot.

YWNBU to stop inviting her, since she so often declines or pulls out.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/05/2017 18:01

We didn't buy gifts for Christmas we all agreed that we'd do a day out at an attraction instead as the dcs get so many presents on the day.

OP posts:
Wh0Kn0wsWhereTheTimeGoes · 10/05/2017 18:04

We had this situation, Dfriend eventually dropped off the regular email list because she was never available on weekdays when we meet for coffee (worked most days) and never replied, however we still make an effort to see her in the school holidays and meet her individually once in a while.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/05/2017 18:58

who friends a sahm so I know it's not work commitments (I work set days each week) all of us have messaged her individually to see if she wants a coffee/chat park trip etc. The majority of our planned meet ups are cheap and cheerful/free events so it's not the financial pressure either

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 10/05/2017 20:05

Either she's just not that into you, or she maybe suffers with her mood from time to time, so that she genuinely doesn't feel up to socialising when the time comes. However, blowing you all out 10-12 times already this year, including cancelling on your friend's Easter party 30 mins prior and making a point of saying there was no reason other than that she basically didn't fancy it, which you say is not unusual, sways me towards the former conclusion.

She knows how to get hold of you, come August, if she wants to.

She's got all your numbers, I'd let her

FetchezLaVache · 10/05/2017 20:05

Random sentence editing fail!!

emmyrose2000 · 11/05/2017 12:36

Sometimes friendships do run their natural course. It's not anyone's "fault", it's just the way it is.

We had a similar thing in our mum and baby group, although by then the "babies" were seven. One mum just started declining invitations, didn't reciprocate etc. So far as I'm aware there wasn't any ill will on either side (or at least there wasn't on mine or a couple of the other mums that brought it up. If there was any on the side of declining mum then she kept it to herself). Eventually we got the hint and stopped issuing invitations. The rest of us still remain friends many years later.

Fast forward 12 years and one other mum is declining most stuff, although to be fair that is mainly due to distance in her case (the kids are rarely involved anymore). I think there may be a few minor niggles between her and a few others, but until someone says anything outright, I'll continue issuing invitations to her, even though I know she'll probably not accept. In her case I don't think she's declining due to not wanting to see us, but other factors in her life are playing a large role, so in that I'm keeping the door open.

OP, I think in your case the declining friend is giving you a hint, so I'd take it. So long as everyone remains friendly and civil when you do see each other, she knows how to contact you should she change her mind.

FetchezLaVache · 11/05/2017 13:16

Forgot to say - I wonder if she's issued this moratorium specifically because she hopes she'll naturally fall off the invitation list during that time? Thinking about it, I'd probably be inclined cheerily to bid her to get in touch when she's back in circulation, then it's quite clear that the ball's in her court.

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