Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To expect more :(

43 replies

zoekickin · 10/05/2017 14:40

Would love some advice. This will be long so bare with me, don't want to drip feed. I am disabled, chronic pain condition, intercrainial hypertension, various other debilitating illnesses as well as mental health problems. I rarely leave the house, and if I do have to use my wheelchair. I am in constant pain and can barely do anything round the house. My partner is my full time carer of me and our two children. He cooks and looks after me to a degree. It's the house work. It never gets done and we live in a Shit hole. He's so damn messy, but lazy as sin to boot. He 'thinks' he is doing too much, and gets the kids to do loads which passes me off but I guess they are teenagers so should do stuff around the house. However my parents don't live in the UK. Mum recently visited and ripped apart the house, despite me and the kids crippling myself trying to tidy it before she came. He did nothing. Excuse after excuse to get out of it. It's driving me mad. I don't know what to do:(

OP posts:

Brittbugs80 · 10/05/2017 14:49

Definitely kick the children into doing a bit more round the house. It's not just about them learning to take pride in their home but they will move out one day and they need to be able to cope on their own.

Is a Cleaner unaffordable? Especially if your DH is struggling with the workload. Does he get respite breaks?

mustiwearabra · 10/05/2017 14:56

I have a chronic, painful neurological condition and my mum has IIH and several severe health problems so I know, health wise, what you're dealing with. The pain can be absolutely unspeakable and draining, I know. Please take this the right way (I'm in the same physical boat) but what are you able to do? Has your OH always been this way? It's possible that he's stressed and a bit low himself.

BellyDancer124 · 10/05/2017 14:59

Its unfair that he gets the kids to do loads... I know teenagers should pull their weight but he should be able to do the majority, surely that comes under being a full time carer for you?
I hope you're okay OP.

BadKnee · 10/05/2017 15:36

So he does all the housework, all the caring for you and all the parenting, (well the physical stuff). He can't be in the first flush of youth himself if you have teens so I imagine suffers from the usual aches and pains that we all do.

YABU to complain about the housework. Get a cleaner, get the kids to help.

I 'd also guess that he is pretty low - that is draining. Not your fault but very hard for him.

wheresthel1ght · 10/05/2017 15:51

Does he also hold down a paying job?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable and ungrateful if I am honest. He is caring for you all, doing all the normal day to day stuff he is one person and not a miracle worker.

Is there anything you are able to do op? Even if only small, it may make him feel less taken advantage of. And the teens should absolutely be helping.

My dscs do nothing at their dms house, she goes ballistic at the jobs I expect them to help with, but I work 5 days a week, Dp works nights, we have dogs that they pestered us to about so they are expected to take responsibility for their care when they are here. They want clean clothes, they need to at least bring their baskets downstairs although if they put it in the machine and turn it on it wins them brownie points.

Lostwithinthehills · 10/05/2017 15:53

When you say your husband is your full time carer do you mean that he doesn't work outside of the home? You seem to feel that he doesn't do a lot of caring for you ("to a degree"), so if being a carer and housekeeper doesn't suit him would it be worth considering your husband finding a job and you having carers and a cleaner to help you in the house? There doesn't seem much point carrying on as things are because it's not working for anyone.

GoodDayToYou · 10/05/2017 16:00

Look into what other help might be available.

Get the kids onboard with clearing a space at a time.

Also, could any of you swap time with someone for cleaning?

JonSnowsWhore · 10/05/2017 16:05

Hi from a fellow IIH sufferer!

Just that on its own some days is awful enough, because it's something that people can't physically see is wrong with you they do tend to not take any notice of the crippling headaches, tiredness & nausea that comes with the medication.

My mums the same she'd have a go at me for not getting up & doing the house work if she came round & saw the state of mine some days. I don't have any advice really it's a crappy illness that people can't see, never mind having other things on top of it :(

AppleOfMyEye10 · 10/05/2017 16:09

I think yabu and ungrateful as well. He's your full time carer and taking on the household as well as kids. If you want the place cleaner then a solution would be to hire a cleaner. It must be tough for everyone including you, so rather work together towards a solution.

JoJoSM2 · 10/05/2017 16:24

I agree with others - it's horrible for you but he's got a tough life too having to look after you, he children and the home... I also think you need to find some empathy for him and look at other options - him going to work and getting a cleaner to come in and help. It might do his mental health good - I can't begin to imagine how draining it must be for you both at the moment.

expatinscotland · 10/05/2017 16:24

I think YABU.

BluePeppers · 10/05/2017 16:25

I'll go against the grain there sorry.
I have a good friend of mine who was the chère for both her mum and her dad. At the time she also had two young dcs (one not at school).
She was able to keep BOTH houses clean.

Another one is also a registered career with her own dcs, primary age and a mum living at home with her. Again, she still keeps theniuse clean.

In my books, what the OP's DH is doing is basically what you expect from a SAHM with a young child (or a disabled child).
Not having a perfect house is one thing. Living in a shit hole is another and not acceptable in my books.

I do agree though that it's quite ok to ask the teenagers to step in (as long as they don't end up doing EVERYTHING). I have a chronic illness too (though not as bad as you) and our way out has been to involve the dcs too.

AnnetteCurtains · 10/05/2017 16:27

I think you are expecting too much from your husband
not everything is his responsibility

nogrip · 10/05/2017 16:27

God you lot are horrible, shes not being ungrateful. How the hell is she going to afford a cleaner - she doesn't work , they have 2 teens and her partner is her carer.

Try living in pain and watching your house go to pot. A lot of us are doing exactly the same. OP wanted a moan, which considering her situation, is completely reasonable. Just because shes disabled doesn't mean she likes living in a shit hole - or should live in one

WateryTart · 10/05/2017 16:27

He isn't your servant. Maybe he's finding it all too much, he does do an awful lot.

Could you not find the money for a cleaner?

Sirzy · 10/05/2017 16:27

Why are you pissed off at teens being expected to help? You are doing them no favours by not making them help around the house!

Sirzy · 10/05/2017 16:28

Also worth remembering that being a full time carer can be bloody stressful so perhaps he is also struggling?

BluePeppers · 10/05/2017 16:28

Btw I agree it can be really hard to look after someone who is disabled/ill.
I also know that this is exactely what most parents who have a disabled child (child or adult btw) are asked to do.
I've never seen the mother being told it's ok for the house to be a completely mess because she is a career.
Yes it's hard. But it's not harder for a man.
And when he decided to become a career, he did agree to do that.

BluePeppers · 10/05/2017 16:29

Re responsibility, whatbsort of responsibility do you want to give to the OP? Cleaning the flor when she has to use a wheelchair?
Preparing meals? is the kitchen adapted to her disability?....

nogrip · 10/05/2017 16:31

I cannot bear reading what the majority of you have written in reply to the OP. I guess you are the disabled hating Tory voters that we read about every day. Have some bloody empathy, the OP is at the end of her tether

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/05/2017 16:34

I would imagine that if OP is out of work and her DP is a full time carer, their household budget is unlikely to stretch to the luxury of a cleaner.

Not sure what you can do about it though OP. How much is he doing for you in the day?

SummerMummy88 · 10/05/2017 16:41

Hmmm your sadly in pain and can not clean or look after your kids but your husband looks after your kids and you and presumably has a job too so something's got to give just as you struggle with pain your husband might struggle with all the things he has to do, so sadly something's got to give and in this instance it's the cleaning. As longs as your all happy and well looked after does it really matter? Could you employ a cleaner once a month or so?

AnnetteCurtains · 10/05/2017 16:43

you talking to me BluePeppers ?
If so , I meant that he has a lot on his plate , there are teenagers who can help
Yes , I have heard of mothers being told not to worry about the housework

Maryhadalittlelambstew · 10/05/2017 16:49

I feel for you OP but I also feel for your husband, as well as trying to run a house he also cares for you. I can't even begin to imagine how frustrating it is being in agony and looking around at things that need doing but unable to do them, I had HS when pregnant with one of my children and whilst its not the same I was bed bound for about 3 months in total and found it incredibly irritating watching things deteriorate in terms of house work. But I wonder if communication is what is needed here, don't nag or flip your lid as that wont help but talk to him, make sure he knows you appreciate him and do little things you can manage and also you need to enroll you children to tidy up after themselves and help around the house. You're a family, you need to all work together. Maybe choose one room a week to declutter and clean then draw up a rota to keep on top of it. 3 jobs a day like hoovering, clean bathroom, dusting per able person should get things looking better soon.

Hope you managed to get this sorted soon OP

Elphaba99 · 10/05/2017 17:02

OP are you getting DLA/PIP and ESA (if you don't mind me asking)? Does your DH get Care Allowance? Because the Daily Living component of PIP/Care part of DLA is for you, to buy aids/adaptations or pay for some help. Have you checked online to see if there are any other benefits you could claim?

If your DH is working age, would he be happier getting a job and paying towards a cleaner/home help? As dreadful and exhausting as it is being chronically ill and in pain, it's tiring and can be depressing being a carer too.

It's not unreasonable to ask teenage DCs to help around the house, as long as they aren't unpaid carers and cleaners for the majority of the time. It does sound as if things have got on top of you all. I am sorry. 💐💐💐

Flip

1 2