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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect more :(

43 replies

zoekickin · 10/05/2017 14:40

Would love some advice. This will be long so bare with me, don't want to drip feed. I am disabled, chronic pain condition, intercrainial hypertension, various other debilitating illnesses as well as mental health problems. I rarely leave the house, and if I do have to use my wheelchair. I am in constant pain and can barely do anything round the house. My partner is my full time carer of me and our two children. He cooks and looks after me to a degree. It's the house work. It never gets done and we live in a Shit hole. He's so damn messy, but lazy as sin to boot. He 'thinks' he is doing too much, and gets the kids to do loads which passes me off but I guess they are teenagers so should do stuff around the house. However my parents don't live in the UK. Mum recently visited and ripped apart the house, despite me and the kids crippling myself trying to tidy it before she came. He did nothing. Excuse after excuse to get out of it. It's driving me mad. I don't know what to do:(

OP posts:

Original poster

zoekickin · 10/05/2017 17:03

Oh no, I'm not ungrateful, please don't think so. He does all the cooking, laundry. And for that I love him for. He Ferrys me to all doctors appointments too. I don't mind the teenagers doing housework, it's good for them. It's when he is barking demands and getting them to do too much it upsets me. He gets support from carers charity, as do the children from young carers. He takes time out when he needs too. We are both early 30's(kids nearly teens, aged 11&13). I've been considering a cleaner, but don't even know where to start.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 10/05/2017 17:07

I think a cleaner is a good idea, even if just as a one off to get on top of things

randomer · 10/05/2017 17:09

maybe its not just about the messy house? What support do you have?

Happyhippy45 · 10/05/2017 17:10

i feel your pain op. I am suffering from Rebound Intercranial Hypertension caused by an epidural blood patch which was performed to fix a leak of Spinal Fluid caused by a lumbar puncture. The symptoms are the same as IIH. I've got other conditions too, in pain a lot and it really wears you down. Also suffer from anxiety and mild depression.
I've been off work for 18 months. I'm fortunate I can do little bits around the house but by my standards it is a shit hole. DH can't possibly do it all. He's running our business with our son plus managing a rental property. Our young adult son lives at home too. They don't do as much cleaning as is required to maintain the house but I've learned to just let it go.
My mum comes down every few weeks and helps out. I'm getting better at not tidying up too much for her coming and end up making myself worse.
Getting a cleaner is not an option as we can't afford one.

It's frustrating living in a messy, cluttered, dirty shambolic house but sometimes you just have to accept it as it isn't for now. There are more important things in life.

randomer · 10/05/2017 17:11

is the support effective

randomer · 10/05/2017 17:15

re up keep of house...a list? a rota?

Original poster

zoekickin · 10/05/2017 17:17

I get support from a mental health charity, which is great. Hubby has his 'breaks' with his friends and time away at groups. Support for the kids is amazing, and I will always be grateful to the young carers association as they do so much for the kids, which I feel better for. All my family live abroad so can't get any help from them. I think a cleaner is the way forward then!!! Thanks for all your advice everyone.

OP posts:

ZiggyForever · 10/05/2017 17:19

Is there a lot of clutter, OP? I find that having a lot of stuff makes the place untidy and a good old clear out means it's much easier to maintain a tidy, clean house. Be ruthless!

Elphaba99 · 10/05/2017 17:25

Cleaner sounds like a great idea. 👍 If clutter is a problem, have you read Marie Kondo's book?

highinthesky · 10/05/2017 17:28

One thing is for sure, and that is nagging isn't going to help.

Your OH is working hard, but IME me just don't have the same standards of domestic hygiene as women.

I would get the teenagers to do some of the work. Once its tidy, its much easier to maintain and clean. And if they are boys, your future DILs will thank you for it

LightYears · 10/05/2017 17:29

Doesn't sound like Op's partner works outside the home, the house shouldn't be in that sort of state if he doesn't.

RB68 · 10/05/2017 17:34

I have a partner who is a lazy arse when it comes to cleaning and just one step away from being a hoarder on the tidyness front - even my 11 yr old takes the pee out of him.

What I have learnt:

Little and often, so when I go to the loo I might dust the window cill OR wash out the sink OR empty the bin. Only once a day but I just do the smallest amount - or I get overwhelmed come friday which is my hoovering 7 Cleaning day officially. I make sure that I am as tidy as I could be and that I have no clutter - I chuck loads of things or put a charity/tipshop bag together and I take it - is there someone who would take a bag or two for you?

Flylady is quite a good website for small and often - I do understand pain management and energy/tiredness issues - mine are no where near as bad as yours but sometimes I struggle to even walk in the am esp if back is playing up. Just reducing stuff helps - get the papers and magazines out, make sure dirty dishes in kitchen, sort paperwork. I frequently get stuff overwhelm - we don't have the biggest house and also work from home so have business paperwork as well as house!

Original poster

zoekickin · 10/05/2017 17:34

No he doesn't work. He's a nurse, so you'd think he'd have some level of cleanliness lol. I was thinking of writing up a rota, a room per day for all of us to do, even if I'm just there providing support??? And getting a cleaner in once a week. Sounds like a plan!

OP posts:

mustiwearabra · 10/05/2017 17:54

Can I give a tip from the point of view of someone with a chronic illness? With the rota, I think it's a great idea for your kids. It's something they can see plainly and stick to easily. I wouldn't have your husband on the rota as if you perhaps have a rough health day and require more care (and as I well know, there's no planning for these), he might end up feeling really stressed looking at a list of what needs done. A cleaner will set you back £8-£10 per hour and just 3 hours a week will be a big help to you.

RoseDore · 10/05/2017 18:07

I have chronic ill health and pain and I have got a cleaner. Best money I have spent as I just don't struggle with it any longer. It would take the whole argument out of the equation and might give you time to do other things as a family instead.

Original poster

zoekickin · 10/05/2017 19:03

Thanks Rose and must. Really great advice xx

OP posts:

wheresthel1ght · 10/05/2017 21:30

OP I think looking into a cleaner or a rota is still good idea. It sounds like your hubby needs a break and is feeling over wrought with everything else.

Barking orders is quite common where kids are concerned! My step kids are 11 & 13 and after asking 20 times I normally end up shouting too. However as a sufferer of depression it could be that he is struggling with his mental health and the barking orders is a symptom.

Talking to him, make sure you are careful to thank him, appreciate his efforts etc might help

Motoko · 10/05/2017 23:02

I'm also chronically ill and my husband is my carer, but he works full time and is suffering from various undiagnosed health problems, as well as depression.

We've found a cleaner is really helpful, although we're now on our 3rd one.

We have also decluttered a bit, with plans to carry on when we can, and that also helps, not only with making cleaning easier, but also mentally.

The cleaners that we found via small ads, charge £10 an hour, but the agency one charged £12 an hour (and was absolutely rubbish!).

Our new cleaner, has even offered to spend an hour on a weekend, without pay, to help us tidy/declutter! She said it would make it easier for her to clean.

Definitely give a cleaner a try if you can afford it.

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