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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect Ex to take the DC to school 1 day a month.

46 replies

donners312 · 10/05/2017 13:04

Very long back story but after 2 years of seeing DC twice the Ex has finally agreed to a schedule.

My proposal is he picks the DC up from school on a friday returns to them to school on Monday.

This is only once a month.

He insists he returns them on Sundays.

I think this is a bad idea because 1. he uses contact to control me and will definitely be early or late etc 2. He has accused family members of abusing/threatening him at drop off and my family want nothing to do with him. 3. I have an harassment warning against him. 4. he is unemployed and has never taken the children to school once i do it every single day plus work (he pays no maintenance. 5. selfishly i don't want the kids to turn up with a bag of dirty washing on a Sunday night.

He chose to live 6 hours away so will have to stay in hotel for the weekend.

Kids don't care if they see him or not.

AIBU?

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 10/05/2017 13:10

What happens to the kids uniform on the Friday and their clothes from the weekend?
If ex is staying in a hotel he obviously won't have washing facilities and therefore you are eithet sending your children to school with weekend clothes and new school clothes on the Friday or you are expecting him to buy clothes for then for the one weekend and some uniform?

If he's staying in a hotel for the weekend then, practically, dropping them at school doesn't seem to be the best and neither does picking then up from school.

If the children are old enough and don't want to go then they don't go.
If they want to go then I'd arrange a neutral drop off and pick up point for the Friday and Sunday, if he is late the Friday they don't go and if he is late the Sunday he has blown it (ditto for early returns mid-weekend).

innagazing · 10/05/2017 13:30

If he's not working, then a third night in the hotel on the Sunday night could be too much for him to pay for?
Tbh, it's probably better to have them back with you on the Sunday night, so you know they'll get to school on time etc on the Monday morning. It'll alo give you time to talk to the kids about their weekend and settle them if there's been any issues.
As for what time he drops them off, don't be available until a certain time if it's not convenient to you. If he brings them back late then you can deal with it as an issue that eventually may affect whether contact continues.
Do the handover in a public place, maybe near a cafe where you can watch for him to arrive?
To be honest, it's going to be quite hard for him and the kids to live in a hotel for the weekend, and keep them occupied apart from non stop tv time unless he's got loads of money and you live in a place with lots of activities etc.
good luck...

Original poster
donners312 · 10/05/2017 13:50

Money isn't an issue for him - he emptied our bank accounts and took a lot of money. I also don't believe he isn't working but it is probably overseas and i can't prove it.

It's his problem to provide clothing for the children for the weekend as far as i'm concerned he provides nothing else for them why should i be packing and unpacking bags on top of everything else i have to do?

If he didn't want to spend his time with the DC in a hotel room then maybe he shouldn't have moved so far away from them - how did he think he would see them?

Oh yes and he is also expecting me to fund all this - jack shit chance i will though.

OP posts:
Justanothernameonthepage · 10/05/2017 14:27

Normally I'd say that getting them back on Sunday with uniform to be washed would be preferable, but given that he's abusive and hasn't seen them for so long, I'd start out saying that he can pick them up on the Saturday morning from a cafe. If he turns up late, then you just take the kids out for the rest of the day. And he has them overnight just for the one night (unless you worry for the kids safety). He then returns them Sunday evening, again to a public space. If he's late, then he's responsible for bringing them to wherever you are (again, in public). If he is late, then from then on, it's contact centres. Or just skip to the contact centre until you trust him

wheresthel1ght · 10/05/2017 14:31

Sorry. Us your follow up post sounds more like you are digging your heels in to control him and get some forms of revenge not doing it because it is what is best for the children.

timeisnotaline · 10/05/2017 14:36

I think one interface with the school not you is good, but I'd be concerned that upset children would be dropped off to school Monday without stuff they needed or in dirty clothes and you couldn't support/reassure them until they came home. I'd instead be ruthless with the Sunday drop off time- unless he had actually been taken by ambulance to hospital that same afternoon then one strike and he's out.

Allthebestnamesareused · 10/05/2017 14:42

If he is working then presumably he is taking time off on the Friday to get down in time to collect them and may not be able to take the Monday off too.

Personally I'd rather have them home the Sunday night so I know they were prepared for school and had a good night's sleep the day before school!

pinkdelight · 10/05/2017 14:45

Agree with wheres - I get that he's a deadbeat and you've got all manner of problems with him, understandably, but in this situation there's no way I expect him to have the DC Fri-Mon. You might not want him to mess you around and land you with laundry on a sunday, but that doesn't mean he can be trusted to get the DC to school on time monday or that the kids should have the laundry at school. He's clearly chaotic and irresponsible, so why would you let him have have the DC for that period of time? To punish him, it sounds like. Sure it's not fair that you have to be the grown up, but someone has to be and to do the best thing for the DC.

Original poster
donners312 · 10/05/2017 14:59

Well i guess the point is that if it is Friday - Monday he won't do it because that doesn't involve me and i suppose that is why i am digging my heels in about it.

If it doesn't involve messing me about he doesn't want to see them. As has been proven for the past two years.

I also get really confused by people saying 'it's best for the DC" etc the best thing for them would be to have absolutely nothing to do with him but no court will ever say that no matter how much of a deadbeat he is so you have to facilitate contact.

Allthebest - i don't care if he can't get a Monday off work as well, he pays no maintenance or anything else for that matter so why should i care. I do all he childcare and work to pay for everything.How does he think i get them to school every day? I have to take time off work and work around them - why can't he for one day a month?

I hadn't considered the point that the children would go to school upset - i don't think this is likely though they are neither here nor there about seeing him. happy to see him happy if they don't? so don't think that would be an issue.

OP posts:
flowery · 10/05/2017 15:04

Why is the kids hauling a bag of dirty washing round school with them on the Monday and bringing it home to you Monday night preferable to you getting it Sunday night?

If he's so unreliable surely it's better for kids and you for them to be back with you Sunday night?

It seems like you want to do what will inconvenience him most, rather than what will be best for kids/you.

Notmyrealname85 · 10/05/2017 15:06

I'm being an idiot... Why do you want DC to have contact with him? (It doesn't sound like he's pushed for it)

PookieDo · 10/05/2017 15:07

From a separated mum to another, don't do this to the kids.
There will be a dreadful situation with school uniform and forgotten items, it really isn't worth this hassle. School drop offs and uniforms really do have to be done by someone who gives a fuck because if they aren't, all it does is cause the kids grief

I'm the woman who has washed packed and unpacked every single item of clothing my children own for 8 years now - even fucking holiday clothes for a holiday I don't get to go on! I do it for my kids not for him

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/05/2017 15:12

If it doesn't involve messing me about he doesn't want to see them. As has been proven for the past two years. I think you're right. Is there anyone who won't punch him that he could drop off to on Sunday that isn't you? Because I agree that's it's dirty uniform and sad kids.

Do you think he will just say no if that's all that's offered and therefore he's refusing contact and you can just ignore him then?

I cannot believe people are worried about his ability to get to the job he's lying about to avoid maintenance.

timeisnotaline · 10/05/2017 15:21

I too don't care one jot for his inconvenience and working hours. But Friday to Monday is a long period of time - it seems naive to say the kids won't mind. Or that they won't be up half Sunday night eating chips and watching movies and falling asleep in class with no lunch in dirty clothes while other children make fun of them. It sounds like he might do that to get back at you even. I just couldn't risk it.

sailorcherries · 10/05/2017 15:29

So your children 'aren't bothered' either way if they see him, but you admit they'd be happy to do so?

So you offer up a contact you know he won't take you up on so that he doesn't do it?

I don't agree with that.
If the children would be happy to see him (even if they are happy not to do so as well) then, initially, you should try to facilitate that.

If, for whatever reason, this went to court you would not be looked upon favourably for doing this.

Original poster
donners312 · 10/05/2017 15:37

sailorcherries- why would i not be looked favorably on? I have done everything to look after these children and he has done absolutely nothing. He has refused every single date bar two that i have offered for the past two years and you think i would not be looked favorably on because i won't do what he wants when it goes to court? I don't understand?

Why should i try to facilitate contact with a deadbeat dad who couldn't care less about his children and who only wants to control me? In the best interests of the children i suppose!

mrsterrypratchett - yes thanks you seem to be about the only one who gets what i am saying!!

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 10/05/2017 15:38

pookiedo - why do you do it though - if he was bothered about the children then he would organize the clothes etc himself and sort that stuff out. or i can see why if he is paying decent maintenance and contributing to the cost of them in the first place?

OP posts:
wheresthel1ght · 10/05/2017 15:41

Op you are not painting yours in a very good light here.

Uou know he is a deadbeat but it hadn't occurred to you that the kids might be unhappy about going to school with bags of dirty laundry dry, maybe not having done homework, not necessarily having the right equipment, not having had input from their primary caregiver, in dirty uniform.

How are they going to get their school lunch sorted?

Sorry but you are the one sounding massively unreasonable. The kids clearly want to see him so stop making it about what is best for you or what pisses him off the most and start making it about what is best for the kids.

And in no world is it best for kids to have nothing to do with one of their parents.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/05/2017 15:45

OP said the kids aren't bothered. They may well want to see him because children want to believe that their parents love them. He clearly doesn't care about them.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 10/05/2017 15:48

Picks them up from school on Friday? You know he'll be late enough so school have to ring you right?

Original poster
donners312 · 10/05/2017 15:48

wheresthelightb - I genuinely don't understand why it is in the childrens best interests to have contact with a 'Father' who left us homeless, who took every penny we had, who has tried to stop every effort i have made to make the childrens life better (eg removing them from private school refusing permission to go on holiday etc all requiring court orders) one who refuses to regularly see them and expects them t drop anything to see him as and when suits him? Honestly why do you think it is better for children t have a parent like this in their life?

There is nothing you can do to stop contact - court will always allow it but i am genuinely asking why is it better to have someone like that in their life?

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 10/05/2017 15:49

and that isn't all of it obviously just a few things - he definitely doesn't care about the children?

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 10/05/2017 15:50

judas - i hadn't thought of that bloody hell you are so right i thought it would stop that stupid behaviors. Both times he saw them last year he was 3 hours late.

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 10/05/2017 15:51

The children tell their friends they don't want to see him (their friends mums have called to tell me) but they say to me they will see him. I think they agree because they are worried i might 'get in trouble' if they don't agree to see them.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 10/05/2017 16:04

I can't believe people are calling you unreasonable! The bar is set so low for fathers that it is underground.

I doubt it is doing any good for your children to have contact with this loser who gives them no priority but like you say, no court will ever say this.

You are perfectly reasonable in wanting him to drop to and from school but let's face it, if he doesn't want to do it, you can't force him because he gets to do what he wants as if he is childless while you are actually responsible for rearing your children (yet you are being "massively unreasonable according to a pp!).

If I were you, I'd figure out some way to have a friend be at home when he drops off so you don't have to deal with him on the sunday night.

He'll probably last 3 months and then get tired of it all anyway.