to expect Ex to take the DC to school 1 day a month.

[donners312]

Very long back story but after 2 years of seeing DC twice the Ex has finally agreed to a schedule.

My proposal is he picks the DC up from school on a friday returns to them to school on Monday.

This is only once a month.

He insists he returns them on Sundays.

I think this is a bad idea because 1. he uses contact to control me and will definitely be early or late etc 2. He has accused family members of abusing/threatening him at drop off and my family want nothing to do with him. 3. I have an harassment warning against him. 4. he is unemployed and has never taken the children to school once i do it every single day plus work (he pays no maintenance. 5. selfishly i don't want the kids to turn up with a bag of dirty washing on a Sunday night.

He chose to live 6 hours away so will have to stay in hotel for the weekend.

Kids don't care if they see him or not.

AIBU?

I absolutely get that this is unfair and frustrating as all hell, that you've done 100% of the parenting with 100% of the responsibility and all the shit and tears and rotten parts by yourself. And yes, it's bitterly unfair when someone in your position gets told that as well as the 100% they're already doing, they need to dig even deeper and do a bit more for a feckless, useless ex to prop up his brief time with the children because no one seems to reasonably expect him to make any effort at all.

I believe you when you say he uses contact to control you, and that if he can't mess you around via contact he doesn't want to do it. Many women have that t shirt. That also sucks. I can see that dropping them to school would be more neutral and he'd be less likely to mess around with being late etc as a means of controlling and upsetting you.

There aren't any easy answers; you already want to put yourself out and do this for the children - you're certainly not doing it for your own entertainment or for him! - or you wouldn't be here, furious and upset that you're having to negotiate and figure this stuff out. and Have a good vent, get it out, then see what any realistic possibilities are. I can fully see why you don't want to sign up to sitting somewhere in a car park for 3 hours on a Sunday night waiting to see if he'll turn up with the kids at any point, and then have to pick up the pieces of that with the kids if they're tired/sugar hyped and upset.

Would a drop off on Sunday morning leave less messing about room? A return to a family member or friend instead of you? Or would it be something you'd be prepared to try once on the understanding that if he plays with the arrangements that's it, you're done?

They won't loom favourably on your attitude towards this situation because you are being deliberately awkward.

Why not say "that's fine, get them at 9am Saturday morning and have them back 8pm Sunday night".

It stops them being left at school.
Stops them hauling clothes to school.
Stops them being disrupted the entire weekend.
Stops the possibility of them turning up on Monday dishevelled, dirty, unprepared and disorganised.
Stops the possibility of them being upset in school.
Stops them staying in a hotel for 3 nights with bugger all to do.

That scenario would be in the best interests of your children.
Say he picks then up then, they actually have fun and something good comes of it?

However it still means he either has to leave home at 3am to make the 6 hour drive or stay himself on the Friday.
It also means he stays himself on the Sunday or arrives home after 2am for work.

That inconveniences him and not your children.

Also, every post you've placed since the OP is a massive drip feed.

I do it so my kids wear clean clothes and get to school on time. Fundamentally beneath everything else, that's what I owe them. I am not in the business of forcing someone else's hand to prove a point when I know fully well it will just damage the children. I do it so there is no arguing no fighting and no sadness. And you know what? I got over the annoyance of it a long time ago. You will, but you have to realign your way of thinking.

Don't offer him something silly with regard to contact that will fail. Offer something sensible and practical. If he lets them down then that is his lookout. But you did YOUR best

Pookie says it better than me.

You know your arrangement won't work and if he did try it your DC would be the onea suffering. That isn't fair on them and, going by your low expectations of him, will he care if they are late for school, in messy uniforms, have been up late? Doubt it. Why potentially put your DC in that situation because it could bite you in the ass.

Thank you pallisers - i appreciate your comments and i expect if people haven't had to deal with someone like this then they don't et it as it is just enough to put you in an early grave.

rumblings - thanks for your comments they were really helpful as well .yes maybe a Sunday morning would be better as i'd get the day to sort the stuff out etc - but he won't agree to that i'm sure. I know if i had said bring them back on a Sunday he would definitely have said 'no i want to take them to school on Monday"

What about the kids here? Imagine sending them for the weekend anywhere in just the school uniform they are standing up in. How will they feel about that? What a horrible thing to do to your kids, and I mean you in this. Your kids are being played like pawns on a chess board.

The arguments, history and behaviour of your ex doesn't give you the right to put your children into a shitty and miserable situation to get back at their father.

If he's a deadbeat, don't make them go there. Talk to them. Ask if they really want to go. Tell them the won't be in trouble if they say no, then back them up.

Take control back and don't make your kids make adult decisions for you.

*And in no world is it best that children have no contact with one of their parents
*
Disagree strongly against this

Posted too soon, there are lots of scenarios where sadly it is for the best a child doesn't see one of their parents

Thanks sailor - your idea is a good suggestion sat to sunday would be better, but the problem is the children have activities all day pretty much on saturdays. So the friday would have been more time with them in a way (although DS is also at an activity on fridays after school for 3 hours).

The DC have said they will only see him if they can continue to do their activities and see their friends as normal. He also doesn't seem to be understanding this and continues to insist on taking them far away which they have made very clear they won't do. (another drip feed - sorry was trying to keep to the point)

Has he taken you to court? Is this arrangement court suggested?

Why bother facilitating it unless it is, when you know that it'll mean upset kids that aren't bothered about seeing him, upset you and him tightening his control grip?

BTW totally understand about the control thing!

Some people do get the arsehole ex, shite father thing. My own ex chose drugs over his child, lied to CMS, tried to control me emotionally and psychologically, bullies people, is quite the textbook socio-path and so on.

Two christmases ago ex kicked off and wanted 50:50 despite having no way to get DC to school (and living 20 miles away); no clothes for DC; no proper bed (DC sleeps in a camp bed that folds away); no childcare after school when ex works and so on. Eventually this went to him wanting EOW and a day during the week. I agreed and told him he was responsible for arranging it all and getting DC to and from my house.

He has never seen DC during the week because it inconveniences him, but DC isn't put out and it's all exs doing, he has nothing to complain to anyone about as he isn't fulfilling an easy request. As Pookie said, I've made it reasonable and attainable, I've done my best and he's the let down.

sillysausage - thanks this is what i struggle with? Is it in their best interests to see their Father?

Court would never support that so either way they will kind of get forced to.

It does sound unreasonable if he lives 6 hours away. It would mean they would have to stay in a hotel at least on the Sunday night when they could just as easily stay at home.

sorry to hear all that sailor - what an absolute twat and all credit to you for doing your best! - that is the whole thing isn't it they make these stupid demands that they have no intention of fulfilling and no way of doing it anyway!!

foofighter - yes he has taken it to court now but we have been to court 6 times and he never does what he is meant to do. So bit disillusioned with the court thing now TBH.

I have never stopped him seeing the children but he couldn't due to one excuse after another. So i am not sure why he has taken it to court now because he could have seen the children loads of times - for example in the past 8 weeks he was meant to see them every other weekend. he did the 1st weekend then never replied to any emails i sent to arrange it - so what do i do??

Donners make it clear to him that he takes them to their activities as that is his responsibility when he is with them. Be firm and let it be known that if he doesn't he can't have them on a Satirday. He cannot helicopter in and make his own decisions in that aspect as it will disrupt the children too much.
Their continuity with clubs is in their best interest and that's that.

My ex tried that to "I want EOW but I'm not taking him there", to which I replied "well he wants to go and it's his life and his interests you're looking out for, he either goes or comes later on Saturday and you make the time up mid-week".
He missed it once and DS didn't go over until the following Saturday afternoon as a result. He has never missed it again.

Give simple, easy to do time constraints that will benefit the children.
Saturday 9am - Sunday 8pm.
Be 'out' from those times (don't answer phones unless an emergency).
Make it clear that late pick up or drop off is not acceptable.
Meet in a public place.
Children go to sport otherwise they go later on the Saturday or only the Sunday.

If a parent desperately wants a relationship with their child then that is easy to follow. You have done your best and the best by the children. Any cock ups to that is entirely his doing.

Looney - he will have to stay in a hotel every night because the children want to stay here to continue with their normal life (the court and cafcass have explained that to him)

No contact is better than half arsed crap parenting contact. Zero contact for eight years here. My dc's don't have any of the crap to deal with that some of their friends do. Better to have a stable routine with one parent putting them first IME.

What you do now is give him those easy to follow contact guides and times. No one can deny that they are in your childs best interest or claim you are being unreasonable.

You keep a detailed note of absolutely everything, screenshot things if you must. One more cock up and you tell him you're taking him to court (don't let him fight for visitation) and you'll be looking for the best for your children, be it now a contact centre or no contact as he cannot put their best interest first and it is negatively impacting them.

When ex made his demands I was scared of court initially. Until I adopted this approach and told him I'd take him and prove what an ass be was. He hasn't kicked off since (although I'm having a baby in 6 days and he's becoming increasingly arseholeish again).

thanks meglet - i agree. I would love it if the children had a good, involved dad but he just isn't. I do get that children benefit from 2 parents it's obvious. But if one is emotionally abusive, and completely uncaring how can it be beneficial?

How old are the children?
Op- you come on here seeming to ask for suggestions about the contact weekend but seem very angry with the responses you've been given . However, it's now morphed into you seeming to say you don't see why he should have any contact with the children? Please can you clarify actually what you want to talk about?