More of a wwyd... newborn at funeral?

[beansbananas]

Very sadly my father died a couple of days ago. I am currently 40 weeks pregnant, with his first grandchild, and currently there is no sign of the baby making an appearance. As a consequence my family are holding off his funeral until the end of the month, to allow time for me to give birth first. My question is... how best to manage a newborn at a funeral? I am a ftm so at the moment I guess I have no real idea what routine we might have for a baby that is potentially only 10-14 days old, and obviously under normal circumstances I wouldn't have considered travelling with such a young child and taking them to such a large gathering of people at that age. The baby means so much to my dad and family, that I really can't avoid bringing him/her to the funeral and wake. But I'm really concerned about offending people if they all want a hold, or I have to disappear all the time to breast feed, and ultimately leave the wake early to either go to a hotel or drive the 3 hour journey back home. I want to do what is right for my father and the child. Any advice would be really welcomed, so I can try and be as prepared and organised as possible.

You poor poor thing. Firstly you need to be really kind to yourself and do whatever you need to do to handle your grief and your baby.

Baby will be tiny and you will be emotionally raw. So I would set your bar really low, you will attend the funeral and then go home as soon as you want to. Make sure your partner understands that his priority is looking after you. Eg getting you snacks, seats and water

I'd also make sure you have a sling so that you have baby close to you.

(My df died when I was eight months pregnant with pfb and I don't really remember much as it was a blur)

I'm so sorry for you loss ❤ honestly just do whatever is best for you, it's your father and noone could possibly be offended if you need to tend to his grandchild or you need to leave soon after xxx

You poor thing. That's just awful. I would say baby will mainly sleep but have an agreement with your partner that he will take the baby out if she/he starts to cry as dishwasher said make it clear in advance that you may not stay for the wake or you may leave the wake early and people should understand this. Most people will.

So sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself. My Df passed when my pfb was 6 weeks old. She slept through the funeral and didn't really see her at the wake as she was being bottle fed/changed/cuddled by various family.

I'm sorry what a difficult time.
I went to my uncle's funeral and baby dd was asleep in the pram at the back for most of it. She did wake up and my mum took her outside as I was supporting my cousin and aunt. Try not to worry about it just take baby along and do what you need to do. Everyone will understand and the baby will be much loved by everyone at this time of sadness.

Get a nice stretchy wrap and wear the baby in it. They are comfortable (I would recommend one anyway- just to have for some snugly hands free time). When the baby is in it it will sleep well probably as it is close to you and moving with you like it is used to. People don't usually ask to hold a baby whilst in one. Make sure you have a private space to feed quietly.

Explain to close family your nerves around people holding her before hand. If anyone asks just say no you'd rather not- they shouldn't push you at your fathers funeral.

Sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I would definitely look at a sling, it will stop people asking for a hold, and to be honest I wouldn't want so many people holding a newborn.

The hotel sounds like a really good backup, too, so you have somewhere to retire to even if you book it and don't end up using it.

I was very emotionally wobbly for the first couple of weeks after DS was born (not postnatal depression, just all the hormones), and thats without losing a parent. I would think you are going to need a lot of loving support that day.

Anyone who causes a fuss if you leave early/pop in and out are not worth thinking about

Sorry for your loss

My DD was only a few weeks old at my DGdads funeral. She slept for most of it and I held her for the whole thing as no space for pram and I didn't want to leave her in the car seat as it was a very hot day. She was no trouble.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

That's a really, really difficult situation. If possible, it might be better to have the funeral before the baby arrives if you can?

The problem with taking the baby is you just don't know how it's going to go/when it will arrive/how you'll feel etc. If it can't be avoided then I think you just have to do the best you can, but don't push yourself.

If you can't travel (there is a chance you could still be in hospital, for example) don't beat yourself up. I'm sure your Dad would have wanted you to do what was best for you and the baby.

Best case scenario, you have an easy birth and an easy baby. They're very portable at that age, particularly if you're breastfeeding and I'm sure all your family will be on hand to help. It might be worth having your DP 'stand guard' to intervene between you and well meaning 'cuddlers'. Just be polite, but firm if you don't feel comfortable handing the baby round to everyone.

And definitely get a hotel. I think most people would have the good grace to not pester for cuddles at your fathers funeral.

Thank you for your lovely replies. I guess I will need to think about pumping some milk in advance, or using formula that day, so that the baby isn't 100% dependent on me. There will be both a funeral service and cremation, so I'm sure the baby will need to feed in between. It's so difficult but I'm sure we'll muddle our way through, and one day of changing whatever routine I might have been working to, won't be the end of the world.

We had similar circumstances, we had to travel three hours to attend my MIL's funeral when DC1 was two weeks old. My parents came so they could take him out if he cried during the service.

The wake was in a pub with nowhere private to feed and as I hadn't figured breastfeeding out yet I took a bottle of expressed milk, and I do regret that. I wouldn't worry if you have to disappear, people do understand. I did let him be passed around a bit more than I would usually have liked but he brought so much joy to everyone on a sad day I didn't mind.

Sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss

Ds1 slept through his great uncles funeral at 6 weeks. My mum took me to her mother's funeral when I was a couple of weeks old. She said I was a welcome distraction. Having your dh play guard dog is a good idea but I think whatever you want to do / are able to do will be the right thing. You don't need to worry about other people's feelings, you really don't. Your priority is yourself and your baby.

Please don't overcomplicate by thinking about trying to pump or do bottles for the first time then. That will just make you more stressed.

If you decide to bottle feed then great but if you are bf with a baby that young pumping and bottles are likely to be a massive overcomplication.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think what others have said about getting a sling and keeping baby close. It doesn't matter what others think, you do what is right. It's a bloody hard day without others unhelpful and negative views. My Dad's funeral was a blur I can't remember as I was focused on getting through the day. As long as DH acts as your guard to support you.

The only time I was anti babies at a funeral was when my friends two year old drowned and our other friend brought their 6 month old to the funeral and was all smiley. She said she was going to leave baby with Nam but thought as it we were altogether, it would be great for us to meet the baby of the group!!

I had to go to my grandads funeral when ds1 was 7 days old he died when he was 2 days old we knew it wohld happen. I took ds1 and left him in the pram all the time at that stage he was so tiny with the noise a s lights he just slept. No one asked to hold him and everyone was very understanding of my situation i skipped the crematorium and went to the wake instead no one bothered apart from to say they were glad to see the baby was well.

I think unless your family are total idiots they are going to see that your fathers funeral isn't a place to play pass the baby. Take the pram and sling don't lift the baby out unless you want to.

Sorry to hear your news.
If it were me... I'd go, but get a hotel nearby.
Also, get a sling, that means you don't need to hand baby around to all and sundry. Ideally if possible see if there's anyone local to you who can show you how to use a stretchy wrap if you've not had any yet, they are fantastic. If you end up needing a c-section, you may not be as able to carry baby so soon, so make sure baby's father is able to if you aren't.
I wouldn't try pump / formula feed if you're intending on breastfeeding, just nip out to feed as and when. In fact, it's even better if you can feed wherever needed, it's less obvious than you think. Try it out at home with a muslin or whatever over baby to make it less obvious.
The baby will probably bring a ray of sunshine to an otherwise very sad time. I'm very glad I had my son (although he was older) with me when I went through my mother's death.

Oh love so sorry

My mil died the day after my twins were born and I took my mum to help me. I bf when needed and to be honest their presence was a ray of light in a dreadful day and helped us all. Including my darling fil.

I wouldn't overthink this too much or plan anything. Just go with the flow and muddle through. No one is going to mind what happens. Even if fir some reason you can't go then it's ok, you could just arrange a little service later or something. Obviously that's not going to be what you want to do but it's an option if needed.

Even if you get there but don't end up staying at either the funeral or the wake it doesn't really matter. Just do what you can do and don't worry. Personally I wouldn't bother with trying to express milk. It's an added faff.

I'm so sorry for you loss

Don't stress about feeding love it's easy to bf as discreetly as you choose with loose tops and a light scarf xxx

Don't think too much about it. If baby needs to be breastfed in the middle of the funeral then do it. So what? Who cares what anyone else thinks?

and , for you beans

I'm another one suggesting a sling - honestly, they're the best invention for small babies/squirmy toddlers in the world. As another poster said, people are less likely to ask for a hold if your child is literally wrapped tight against your body, and as yet another poster said, your baby will be reminded of when he/she was still inside of you and (hopefully) be more contented/restful.

If people do ask for a cuddle - and they may well do so, you need to feel able to tell them "no". I'm sure that many will understand that as you've just lost your parent, you want to cling to your child at this time. It's perfectly natural behaviour, and you may well find that no one asks, or they'll be okay with being told "no". If they don't, if they persist, then you have to make sure that your partner steps in to firmly re-explain. And yes, he does need to make sure that you're okay more than usual. You will have just given birth. Your hormones will be all over the place anyway, never mind the grief you must be feeling at the loss of your father. Sometimes you have to be cruel (to others) in order to be kind (to yourself). And "no" really is a complete sentence in, and of itself.

As for feeding, please don't stress about that right now. Hopefully, if you intend to breastfeed, your baby will latch on right away... but if they don't, and you need to express for bottle top-ups? That's okay. It's not the end of the world. But you haven't reached that point of needing to make a decision right now. Wait and see if your baby takes to feeding first - and I'm sure that they will do. Cross that bridge when you get to it. Right now, you need to focus on being kind to yourself. If your family have postponed your father's funeral so that you can be there post-birth, then I'm sure they won't want you completely stressed out by how you're going to feed your baby on the day of the funeral.

once again, and genuine sympathies for your family's loss.

I wouldn't rely on the idea that a baby will happily take to a bottle at just a week or two old. I think you'd be better off planning to feed somewhere in between. (In the car maybe?)

Most newborns sleep a LOT, especially when out and about, so he/she will probably be fine. If she does cry during the service, you'll just have to step out for a few minutes to calm her. Not much you can do about that.

About people wanting to hold - I would just be honest and anyone who gets offended about that at a time like this does not deserve a second thought. Just say "sorry, my doctor advised me not to let people hold her at large gatherings because of the risk of illness and her weak immune system".

Sorry for your loss, OP.

One other thing - when you say you don't know the routine yet, rest assured that within a few days of her birth, you will very quickly learn how it all goes and you'll feel much more confident about going out.

Sorry for your loss OP. I'm oddly in a similar situation and have my Dad's funeral next week which I'm going to have to take my 6 month old too, as she won't take bottles and I have no-one who can provide childcare anyway. I'm just going to take it minute by minute and see how it goes. Hopefully with your baby still being very little he / she will sleep through a lot of the service etc.