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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DH to go

72 replies

Lisa9819 · 10/05/2017 02:32

My in laws have asked DH to help them with something ON Mother's Day that would take up a large portion of the day. We already have plans to take MIL out to eat and celebrate her with family in the evening. When DH told me they asked him for this favor (no type of emergency), I was really annoyed. They have a history of making inconsiderate demands of us and guilting us heavily when we don't comply with their wishes. I told DH that we usually celebrate me in the morning or day and it makes me sad they think this is a time to ask for a favor. AIBU to be upset by this and to tell DH I don't really want him to go? Or should I just let him go and do something by myself with the kids?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/05/2017 14:50

WOMEN OF CHILDBEARING YEARS! LISTEN UP!

You must never celebrate anything. Birthdays and Christmas are for children. Mother's Day is for older women. Easter is silly or religious, still not for you. Everything else is made-up commercial nonsense.

Ignore the fact that almost every culture on the face of the earth has seasonal holidays and celebrations for everyone, not just children. Because that is meaningless to you. Skivvy away; do make sure everyone else's needs are met. If you can, make sure that you organise cards and presents for everyone in your and your DH's family because that's your job. Expect nothing in return, not even a thank you, certainly not some time spent with you. What are you? Selfish?

^Sarcastic.

Original poster

Lisa9819 · 10/05/2017 16:19

MrsTerryPratchett that's how it is around here. I buy the gifts and organize all the celebrations and get togethers for his side of family- despite the fact he hardly attempts any type of relationship with my side at all. It is basically expected and if I don't I am made to feel inconsiderate and thoughtless. They are exceptionally rude and disrespectful of our life choices but I do my best to facilitate get togethers and so on. I am just over it. MIL has a knack for being very caddy and does things like requesting these favors on days like this so that she can make sure the entire day is dedicated to her and her only. I get pretty sick of just giving in to keep the peace all of the time.
I am tempted to tell him to go have fun with her for the entire day as we will be busy with other things, including in the evening which will needto be cancelled with her. Then she can celebrate with her son as she'd like. DCs and I will have all of the family time of our own- maybe a trip to the river. :) Win Win. After all she is not our DCs mother, so no need for them to celebrate her according to many of you who have kindly reminded me that I am not DHs mother either, right? So who gives a crap.

But I won't, because I'd like to think I try to be the bigger person, even though they lack the same consideration towards me.

OP posts:

pictish · 10/05/2017 17:04

Terry you're being very melodramatic.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 10/05/2017 17:10

To use a well-worn phrase, I think what you have is a DH problem.... He should have refused on his own initiative and offered to do the favour a different day. YANBU

pictish · 10/05/2017 17:15

OP - you don't have to do all the card and present giving for his side. I don't. I have my own family to worry about and he has his. His aunt used to hassle me in this way but after I set her straight on whose responsibility it actually is, ie, not mine, she stopped.
You don't have to comply with their demands or feel guilty for not doing so. You can simply say, "Do you not have dh's number...it's XXXXX XXXXXX" thus passing the buck where it belongs.

Mothers' Day is still about HIS mother from his perspective.

"I am tempted to tell him to go have fun with her for the entire day as we will be busy with other things, including in the evening which will needto be cancelled with her. Then she can celebrate with her son as she'd like. DCs and I will have all of the family time of our own- maybe a trip to the river. smile Win Win. After all she is not our DCs mother, so no need for them to celebrate her according to many of you who have kindly reminded me that I am not DHs mother either, right? So who gives a crap."

I know you're being passive aggressive when you say this but basically, yes. You're not his mother. Enjoy your kids and let your mil enjoy hers. When yours are grown up they will have been set an example to bother their backside with you, rather than staying home to pander to wifey.
Your turn will come.

pictish · 10/05/2017 17:17

Slightly - why the hell should he have refused?

Sunshinegirl82 · 10/05/2017 17:25

It does seem a bit like that Terry. Anyone who suggests they might be upset over a lack of thought on Mother's Day/their birthday/etc is always told they are being unreasonable because it's not important to other people and so apparently shouldn't be to anyone else.

Sounds like your mil is a tricky character. I'd be tempted to pull out of the dinner to be honest.

pictish · 10/05/2017 17:27

So would I. I don't see why you need to be there, she's not your mother. He can take the kids though and give you a break and some peace.

Sunshinegirl82 · 10/05/2017 17:42

I'd also be tempted to pull back a bit on picking up you DH's slack when it comes to organising things with his side of the family. Perhaps just don't do anything for a month or so and see what happens. Organise things with your side. If DH mentions you haven't seen his side perhaps say something like "it would be great to see them. We are free X date or X date, let me know which works best once you've spoken to your Mum".

Original poster

Lisa9819 · 10/05/2017 18:18

Yea, I think you are right. Ive made arrangements for me to go do something nice for my own mom and the DCs. We usually celebrate her on another day the following week because she is super lax about holidays and knows my DHs family are PITAs so she doesn't make it into any type of ordeal. This will be such a nice surprise for her to take her out on the day of.

I agree, I really need to step back and let DH manage his own family. I have in the past, but then he hardly talks to his grandparents or anyone. It really is not my business though and I do suppose I need to focus on just my side. I just always wanted to put an effort into having a solid relationship with them, but it doesn't always work that way.

OP posts:

pictish · 10/05/2017 18:26

What a good idea...that's the spirit!

My dh is also cruddy at keeping in touch with his side or marking their special days etc...but when I married him I didn't adopt him...I am not his mother. If he's shit at that stuff it's because he's shit. It is nothing to do with me.

Original poster

Lisa9819 · 10/05/2017 18:48

Pictish- that is a very good point haha! I just need to let it sink in.

OP posts:

TheBadgersMadeMeDoIt · 10/05/2017 18:49

Out of the five Mother's Days I've had since DD was born, I've spent three of them alone with DD while DH has been working away. It's fine. It's lovely, in fact.

We have pizza for lunch while watching a film. Then we go for a walk/bike ride/scoot around the park or to soft play if it's raining (where I drink tea and read a book). Then after she's gone to bed I have a bath and open a bottle of prosecco.

It's fab. If DH is here he only spoils it. I recommend sending yours on his merry way and making the most of it!

TheEmmaDilemma · 10/05/2017 18:52

Not my monkeys, not my circus. Do not get into organising this shit for your DH.

Personally I think he's an arse for not saying no straight away. I mean, really? It's not difficult. If you know something has a little importance to your loved one, you bloody do the necessary yes?

Good on you.

BasketOfDeplorables · 10/05/2017 19:17

Every single time any poster is the tiniest bit miffed that Mother's Day is ignored there's a chorus of 'it's just meant to be your kids making you tea and toast' but OP has a 1 and 3 year old - how handy can they be in the kitchen?

I send my dad a card on Father's Day, sometimes I take him out for dinner or we visit. Until my children are old enough to do it themselves I will help them buy a card and do something nice for DP - either a small present or nice meal or something. And he's not even my dad!

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 10/05/2017 19:27

pictish because the OP and her family usually have the morning together because it's Mother's Day and she is the mother of his children. My DH wouldn't dream of agreeing to miss something like that to do a job that could easily be done another day. They are seeing his mother for a meal later. By asking OP if she minded he's putting the decision on her and making her feel shitty about it instead of him acting like a grownup and realising she'd be hurt. And yes I definitely would (and recently have) done something similar by batting my mum and stepdad off interfering with DH's Father's Day.

Bluntness100 · 10/05/2017 19:32

I'm finding it very hard to get past the phrasing of "celebrate me" " celebrate her"

Ive genuinely never heard it positioned like that before. Not too sure I really want to again.

BasketOfDeplorables · 10/05/2017 19:39

When I lived in the US I heard celebrate a lot. One would celebrate veterans on Veterens Day, but it would sound wrong to celebrate Remembrance Sunday. It's not a UK phrase.

Generally the UK is a bit snobby about America though, in the way they aren't about other countries.

Original poster

Lisa9819 · 10/05/2017 19:48

Bluntness - what other phrasing do you prefer? "Celebrating her" for Mother's Day, because we would in fact be celebrating her if we're planning something for her. Or if DH usually organized something simple for me he is participating in a celebration (for me) for Mother's Day. I really don't get how that sounds ridiculous. If a friend said "oh we're going out to dinner to celebrate MY birthday"... that is in fact the same exact thing, but sure go ahead and get stuck on some wording. Talk about being petty...

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 10/05/2017 19:53

I think it's the difference between celebrating the event, like a birthday as you say, or celebrating Mother's Day, versus the actual individual, I've never heard someone say they will be celebrating me,..

Original poster

Lisa9819 · 10/05/2017 20:06

"Not my monkeys, not my circus" will probably stick with me when I need a good reminding. Thank you for your suggestions, I've taken note and I appreciate them!

I am sure there are some cultural differences with this idea from what it seems. Where I live it is common to celebrate all mothers/fathers. I even buy close friends little cards. Nothing huge, but just recognizing their efforts. I think it's nice to do, but again that is common here. My mom has always given me cards/flowers for being mom to her grandchildren and to tell me she's proud of me. I think it's a very sweet thing of her. I'm aware not everyone shares that thought, but I hope I will be thoughtful enough to do that for my DD and DIL(if I have one) one day.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lisa9819 · 10/05/2017 20:24

That happens a lot especially if you are not from the same country or region. Different areas often mean different dialect. I've found that challenging when traveling through places like South America as well. Different slang, interpretations, and phrasing.

OP posts:

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