To not want DH to go

[Lisa9819]

My in laws have asked DH to help them with something ON Mother's Day that would take up a large portion of the day. We already have plans to take MIL out to eat and celebrate her with family in the evening. When DH told me they asked him for this favor (no type of emergency), I was really annoyed. They have a history of making inconsiderate demands of us and guilting us heavily when we don't comply with their wishes. I told DH that we usually celebrate me in the morning or day and it makes me sad they think this is a time to ask for a favor. AIBU to be upset by this and to tell DH I don't really want him to go? Or should I just let him go and do something by myself with the kids?

It would depend what it was he was doing. My husband fitted some laminate flooring for friends once on Mother's Day and I was a bit pissed off as it meant the one day a year I should be able to take it easy I was left at home with a 1 & 2 year old to take care of all day. I know it's his mother but can't see what sort of thing they would need him to do that can only be done on that day

If you have young children, your DH should be thinking about their view of mothers' day. They'll generally need their dad's help to organise the things they want to do for their own mum.

Your Dh already has plans to see his mother. Why can't he do the favour on Saturday morning instead, so that your children can have him there for their mothers' day?

The first Mother's Day I had, DS was 8 months old. I got nothing, and it wasn't acknowledged. Obviously DH sent his mum a card and a present and phoned her. I was absolutely devastated. I cried for hours (in my defence I had PND).

My husband was completely bemused. He made sympathetic noises and patted my back, but he honestly didn't understand what I was upset about. He just kept saying "but you aren't my mum. I sent stuff to my mum". I realised that we should have discussed it beforehand so we were on the same page! Anyway, we accepted we both had a point, and in future years he helped the kids make me a card, and when they were old enough he provided the money for them to go and buy something. I realised he hadn't done it in malice, and that yes, his own mother would be a priority on that one day a year.

I agree with Pictish in that it's all part of the narcissistic, look at me and how many presents I got, attitude that seems to prevail everywhere now.

The OP is getting a hard time for using a turn of phrase which doesn't translate well into U.K. English. If she actually means breakfast in bed followed by a walk in the woods with DH & kids, then it's not exactly demanding. And no more than most of us would expect.

And if you take the attitude that she's not DH's mother so he shouldn't have to make her feel special, then likewise MIL isn't her or the DC's mother. But I bet there'd be a massive fall-out if they didn't turn up to MILs meal.

DH should just tell MIL he's not available that morning & arrange another time. It's MIL that wants the favour.

But, you're not his mother! Honestly, you must see you're being ridiculous.
If it was wives day, he would be being unreasonable .

Whatever you'd usually want to happen on that morning/day, can't you just get him to do it on another day instead? Whether that's you all going out for lunch somewhere or him taking the DC off your hands for a bit. I can't think what other types of celebrating you might do really? Breakfast in bed and presents could all still happen that morning before he goes to his DMs.

I honestly can't see the problem.

Bloody hell! Nasty posts on here!
Just because other people don't celebrate Mother's Day you shouldn't either OP!
If it's important to you your DH should acknowledged it.
BUT
we don't know if you are just being particularly precious because

1. We don't know the back story.
2. We don't know what your in laws want him to do.
3. We don't know what your plans were for Mother's Day.

If you are a family that has a routine (which I glean from "we do my stuff in the day" remark), and he knows that, and there is a plan for his mum that evening, and the fact that he asked you if it was OK, all points to it NOT being OK.

If you usually just have a bunch of daffs and some burnt toast, and then get on with your day as usual, then it would been fine. But you obviously have a tradition of sorts, and therefore YANBU.

Is it possible that they haven't realised the impact, in which case he could easily have said "we're busy, can I come over Saturday", but if they are fully aware of which day it is (and also have a tradition of fuss about mums), then it sounds as if it is form on their part too.

Agree with pp who says you've been put in an impossible position. I sit in that position quite often. Seemingly lovely requests from DH "is it OK if I help out my sister/BIL's cat" which can only be answered with "Of course my love, I wonder and marvel at your sense of decency and capacity to help all around" when the end of the sentence should be "and yet you can barely remember to put the bins out in our own house, and our cat would starve before you noticed to feed it".

I have vested interest in the matter, perhaps.

Ideas:

1 - Ask if he can help them on Saturday
2 - Ask him if he can have a nice pub lunch with them in the middle of putting up summer house/trampoline/retaining wall fun, make the booking in the evening your evening out with your kids and him.
3 - Ask him to consider Saturday your Mother's Day, as you clearly won't get any particular joy/space/sleep on the Sunday as you had been expecting.
4 - Tell him you'd be delighted to see him spend all day with his parents, and in a few weeks time (when he thinks it's all gone fine) have a light but clear conversation about future expectations (But please do try not to sound like a mumzilla/screaming banshee because it is so unbecoming when we have the expectation of others considering us and our feelings).

Good luck!

But it's his mother I am assuming you would spending /treating fathers days like a regular day as in my experience most people whom expect a large fuss for mothers day don't really bother with fathers day

How on earth is it dripfeeding to clarify that we're not talking about the UK Mothers' Day? It's not exactly a secret that it's next weekend in the US and other countries, and most of use worked it out from the beginning anyway.

Just say to them I expect you hadn't thought it was my mothers day to so we've already made plans but can pop over and help on Saturday or the following weekend...he asked so he wants your true opinion.

Can't he 'celebrate' you on Saturday. Does it really matters what happens when? If he's arranged to do something with his mother on Sunday, let him.

You make the most of the peace and quiet or whatever to do your own thing. Do exactly what you want to do for the day.

She's his Mother. Not you. She won't live forever

Gin Sorry but I LOLed at that. Don't worry about MIL, she'll be dead soon, so not around to spoil your plans.

I don't think you're being particularly unreasonable OP. You obviously have a sort of family tradition of doing something for you in the morning and seeing MIL later in the day which sounds perfectly reasonable.

I don't think it's narcissistic to want a bit of a celebration on Mother's Day! It was my first Mother's Day this year, DH made me a nice breakfast and got me a book I wanted and a card. Then we went for lunch with both mums (and dads!) and has a bottle of prosecco! It was lovely.

If DH can realistically fit in whatever your usual plans would be plus helping his mum then fine, if not I'd suggest another time for him to pop round.

Thanks for the responses. When I say we "celebrate me" it's not really celebrating, more like just sitting down together for breakfast as a family. We do the same for my DH on Father's Day. Nothing huge, but I make a deal over him to show appreciation for what he does for the kids.
You're right though. I told him to go ahead and go. It really is not a big deal as I said I was questioning even being a little sad over it. We don't even celebrate my birthday- because I really just don't care to, so it's not that I'm always wanting to be "praised" as some of you have said. Haha. More like a usual tradition that we do since we don't get to spend much time together as is.

At the VERY LEAST, you should expect to share someone's attention on mother's day with their actual mother.

Really if someone wanted to spend all or most of actual mother's day with their mother, that would be completely reasonable, and nobody should be standing in the way of that.

I'm not sure why this idea would be controversial.

The point here isn't about actually spending time with her hubby it's that the hubby should take the kids off your hands and give you a rest. That's not being narcissistic and people who are saying that are being ridiculously harsh. If the kids are old enough to help you themselves then that's different. We make a fuss of DH on father's day, breakfast in bed, a BBQ or something and I do extras so that he can relax.

Of course I expect her to be celebrated, which is why he already had plans with her (along with us) for the rest of the day.

For those saying we probably don't celebrate Father's Day...We make a huge fuss over DH for Father's Day, birthday, and every other holiday. I don't mind it, I like to do it and express how grateful I am for the father that he is. No, I don't really expect the same in return. Just a little time as a family is all. I don't expect gifts or cards, as I agree I don't think it's necessary.

No need to continue posting on here. Thanks for pp responses.

Yep, as stated above DHs have a vital role to play making sure kids are looked after so mum gets to sleep in, and making sure kids have been able to buy flowers/card or make tea/pancakes for mum. If DH wanders off to do random jobs, whether that's for his own mother or not, it means the mother of his children has even more work to do.

DH in this case will be seeing his mother later in the day. That's not an issue here.

OP, my immediate response would have been laughter at the mere suggestion I would give up my sleep in so he could do some odd jobs that don't need doing that exact day. You have missed this opportunity to show how laughably outrageous his suggestion is, however there's still time for a simple and honest chat saying it's important to you that the kids have this special family time. Because it is, isn't it? Kids love Mother's Day! I used to adore taking my mother coffee in bed with my crappy home made card. I would be so excited waiting to give it to her that I woke her early every time.

Your DH's job here is as much about being a good dad as it is about being a good partner. It's a nice, fun morning. Of course you should enjoy it! Don't you feel guilty at all for putting off their tasks another week (or just doing them on the Saturday).

Yes, my 2 kids are 1 and 3 and I'll be home with them. I will try and make plans with friends instead.

It's mother's day, a made up holiday for people to spend more money on things they don't need, want so hardly special! YABU.

Fwiw I think he should spend the early part of the day with you and the kids and later on with mil as planned the favour can wait until another day