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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to expect the police to understand the complexities of abusive relationships?

28 replies

Bangsheadontable · 09/05/2017 23:25

Our neighbour is abused by her husband, who is a heroin addict. She sleeps in the loft - not a converted loft, I mean a storage space up a ladder - with the hatch locked so she is safe at night. Her children, who are adults, refuse to see her because she hasn't left him. She is an alcoholic.

Tonight, I heard her scream "help me" in the garden, and saw him approach her with a knife. I called the police and two cars came (1 woman, 3 men). In the interim, by husband knocked on her door. She was scared, shaking, crying and drunk. Her husband came out and started threatening my husband.

We left the police to it, noting what we'd seen and heard. We all acknowledged that the situation is known to the police.

Somehow, the interaction turned into her screaming and being abusive. Her husband was taunting her.

The police then knocked on our door and said, this is word for word - "it's her toniGht. If she didn't drink 12 cans of Stella there wouldn't be such a problem. They deserve each other."

This is wrong on so many levels. She drinks because she is abused. Because her life is a train wreck. Because she is terrified.

I challenged them and they repeated the same. They said it's their job, and they know what they're doing.

I'm so upset for her. And for how horrendous their response was. She is a fucking battered woman.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 10/05/2017 09:42

The help is there, but if she won't take it then short of forcibly dragging her out there's nothing to be done. Do you suggest the police do that?

Living next to this must be hell for you and I sympathise, but she won't get out of this situation through a beer can. The police are here to help but if help is refused it will be frustrating.

Stay clear before one of you gets knifed.

BTW if this is a rental, the landlord needs to know. But if they are owner occupiers, nothing to be done.

HildaOg · 10/05/2017 09:53

Her children know her better than you do. If they hadn't suffered immensely under her parenting then they wouldn't have abandoned her.

The police don't have the legal powers to split them up, they can't protect her when she won't allow them to help, they can't talk sense into her. If she's drinking that much and being abusive herself then she has behavioural issues beyond her partner. The police can't fix that and I don't blame them for being irritated with adults who refuse to take responsibility for themselves.

x2boys · 10/05/2017 10:05

well the police come across as unsympathetic and whilst i dont think anyone chooses addiction be it heroin ,alcohol etc this lady is an alcoholic nobodys forcing her to drink and untill she decides top get help nobody can help her i have experience both personally and professionally with addiction and nobopdy can help those that dont want to be helped.

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