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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect the police to understand the complexities of abusive relationships?

28 replies

Bangsheadontable · 09/05/2017 23:25

Our neighbour is abused by her husband, who is a heroin addict. She sleeps in the loft - not a converted loft, I mean a storage space up a ladder - with the hatch locked so she is safe at night. Her children, who are adults, refuse to see her because she hasn't left him. She is an alcoholic.

Tonight, I heard her scream "help me" in the garden, and saw him approach her with a knife. I called the police and two cars came (1 woman, 3 men). In the interim, by husband knocked on her door. She was scared, shaking, crying and drunk. Her husband came out and started threatening my husband.

We left the police to it, noting what we'd seen and heard. We all acknowledged that the situation is known to the police.

Somehow, the interaction turned into her screaming and being abusive. Her husband was taunting her.

The police then knocked on our door and said, this is word for word - "it's her toniGht. If she didn't drink 12 cans of Stella there wouldn't be such a problem. They deserve each other."

This is wrong on so many levels. She drinks because she is abused. Because her life is a train wreck. Because she is terrified.

I challenged them and they repeated the same. They said it's their job, and they know what they're doing.

I'm so upset for her. And for how horrendous their response was. She is a fucking battered woman.

OP posts:
MumIsRunningAMarathon · 09/05/2017 23:30

But do you know ALL that goes on behind closed doors yourself?

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 09/05/2017 23:30

The situation must be awful to witness as a bystander Flowers

The ultimate discussion will have to be down to her to walk away unfortunately.

You can't even approach the local schools if the DC are too old, does she have visitors? Do you have an opportunity to approach her to give her the women's aid number/some where safe to let her call from?

nakedandconcerned · 09/05/2017 23:32

If she won't leave him there is not much they can do.

It sounds like they are regulars with the police which means a lot of police time and resources have been dedicated to them as a couple.

It's sad, and hopefully one day she can get help but unfourtunately there isn't a lot anyone else can do.

Italiangreyhound · 09/05/2017 23:33

Terribly sad situation.

Original poster
Bangsheadontable · 09/05/2017 23:38

I have seen enough to know the situation. And we have had her in here, and shared details of local shelters.

It's not so much what they should do - I get their hands are tied. But to be so dismissive of her, to say they she deserves it, and not to recognise the abuse is just awful. We are supposed to trust these people with our safety. But they were just moronic and disinterested and cruel

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 10/05/2017 06:17

I agree with you OP

Whilst I think the police have had more training and are better than they were, say 20 years ago; there's still considerable room of improvement such as in this case:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-sussex-39331297

This woman reported domestic abuse and was told to pay an FPN for wasting police time! She was then murdered by her ex partner.

I dunno how else you can help next-door other than by continuing to call police and being a friend to the woman by listening to her if you can and encouraging her to contact Women's Aid or a refuge.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 10/05/2017 06:20

Nightmare . Honestly don't give more than you can afford here as the addiction needs to be addressed to have her strong to
Leave - and the association might kill her before he does

Grim - you are right to care but I strongly advise from personal experience to not get too involved x

myoriginal3 · 10/05/2017 06:23

You sound like a lovely person and neighbour. Some people would be reporting nuisance rather than abuse. Those police officers are ignorant. Alcohol dependency is no joke. I hope the situation improves for your neighbour. Hard to know what to do.

ifeelcraptonight · 10/05/2017 06:26

She's drinks because she's an alcoholic not because he's a heroin addict.

Addicts attract addicts. And those who want to rescue them.

She has to get to the point of wanting to stop and leave before anyone will really be able to help her.

LornaD40 · 10/05/2017 06:47

That's really sad 😓 I would have done the same OP.

MsJamieFraser · 10/05/2017 06:54

She's doesn't drink because she's abused, she drinks because of her alcoholism.

If either will get the help they need, then I agree with the police, it will only stop when either of them kill each other or one dies for their addictions.

I would love to see them both get help however.

SuperBeagle · 10/05/2017 06:55

The police can't force her to leave. What do you suggest they do? They turn up to a scene of two addicts hurling abuse at each other and they're expected to do what exactly? Presumably this pair are known to them, so I think you ought to take their word that they know what they're doing.

Shurleyshummishtake · 10/05/2017 06:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Creampastry · 10/05/2017 06:58

Clearly they know this woman and have been called out before so if she won't go then it's just a waste of police time really. The police smooth things over and she sticks up for the abusive husband. How frustrating must it be for the police. I bet they'd love to do something but their hands are tied.

ForTheLoveOfSleep · 10/05/2017 06:59

So the police know she sleeps in the loft? How do you know?
If when the police show up she denies any of what you reported happened what can they do?
You said she's still with him so obviously she doesn't want him arrested (whether through fear or because she 'loves' him).
Unfortunately the police are limited in these situations until the victim presses charges or reports abuse.
Also, relating to what happened in the garden with the knife, you have no idea what happened inside the house before that or what they told police.
It's an awful situation for you to be in op try to write down and log what you see and hear in case she ever does decide to leave.

Gallavich · 10/05/2017 07:03

Police are police. They aren't social workers or counsellors or domestic violence experts. They get training on domestic violence but when they turn up and someone is drunk and raging they file it under 'seen this a million times' and note it down as a lairy drunk.
Fact is, if they turn up and she's the one being aggressive then arresting him would appear to them be the incorrect course of action.

Mulberry72 · 10/05/2017 07:07

Do you live next door to my old neighbours?

IME, the Policeman is right, they're as bad as each other.

Frouby · 10/05/2017 07:07

I sympathise OP. We used to live next door to a similar situation and called the police many times. He was a heroin addict, she was an alcoholic and amphetamine addict. I used to call the police at least once a month when it was bad. Sometimes they took him, sometimes took her to her dads or brothers. It didn't end until he was charged with attempted murder.

She sold the house in the end and moved away but sadly I don't think much has changed for her. She was living with another alcoholic last time I heard.

All you can do is call the police when necessary. If her dcs can't/won't help her leave and if she is willing to sacrifice the relationship with them for alcohol and her partner then she won't leave because a ndn tries to help.

The police can only do so much and it's not really their job to understand her relationship with him and with alcohol. They are there to prevent and solve crimes. Would adult social services be worth a call?

Lostwithinthehills · 10/05/2017 07:45

Galla I had and Frouby have both given very sensible replies in my opinion.

Wonderwoman101 · 10/05/2017 07:53

Please consider it from the police officers point of view. My DP is a police officer and is often called to these type of situations to the same couples/ families nearly every week. What exactly are they meant to do? Nine times out of ten the man/ woman refuses to leave or if they do, they are back the next day. They can arrest the abuser but like I said the partner takes them back. Granted, there is the odd occasion referred to in the news.

They are a drain on police resources which are already struggling to manage (due to our PM) and they are a drain on society as a whole.

Freddystarshamster · 10/05/2017 08:02

Come on then OP, what would you do? Perhaps you can give them the solution next time, what with your years of experience and training?

We are supposed to trust these people with our safety. But they were just moronic and disinterested and cruel
How were they moronic?
How were they cruel?

acquiescence · 10/05/2017 08:15

It is a sad situation. The police have limited power to intervene when someone does not consent and this is very wearing for them a, seeing so many people they would like to help but can't.

It is also worth considering that the man has probably had a horrible life, possibly been abused in some way himself, which has led him to become a heroin addict. From my experience or working in substance misuse and alcohol services, drinkers are more prone to violence then opiate users. You can't know everything that goes on.

Coldilox · 10/05/2017 08:36

When police are called to any DV incident a huge amount more goes on behind the scenes than just attending the address. A full picture is built up using every incident reported, specialist officers are involved and there is close working with other agencies. There is far more to it than you can see.

Dawndonnaagain · 10/05/2017 08:39

For the people that say they're as bad as one another, have you stopped to think what got them to the point of addiction?

As for the police, I've been in the situation (nobody drinking, nobody on drugs) where I've been threatened and then told off, like a child,I kid you not, by the police for calling them. I've also been in a situation where the police have been amazing. I guess it's down to training and personalities, but agree more training is required in some folk and some forces.

Osolea · 10/05/2017 08:42

You have said she was being abusive in her language too, it's likely there's a lot more to it than simply he is abusing her and that's why she drinks. They are both addicts, they probably both abuse each other. Why does her abuse deserve more recognition than his?