Re the way our finances are separated

[FaithLoveandHope]

So I've never really had an equal relationship before (several abusive relationships prior to this one) and tbh I've never been able to talk about money properly. DP has a DD, 5 from his first marriage. We've been living together for just over a year and currently no plans to marry as he's not ready.

We've tried to split our finances as best as possible - we each contribute an amount relative to our income which goes into a joint account to pay all bills, fuel, etc. Then separately I'm paying for a counsellor, we each pay our own phone bills, he's paying off a loan and credit card bills. He currently takes home 2 and a half times what I do and has 10k plus in a savings account. I have no savings and am -£1200 in my current account. I'm constantly stressed about money and it feels like we're not very equal. In my eyes in an equal relationship we should either both have these stresses or neither of us. We've recently had to move which has cost a lot, we're going on holiday soon (our first since Dec 2015) and now DP wants us to take DSD camping at the end of the month. I feel like I've got so much going out and I'm gradually getting further and further into my overdraft which makes me feel so rubbish.

Also, I feel like I'd be up shit creek if he lost his job or died (awful thought but it plays on my mind a fair amount). We each have quite a substantial life assurance scheme through work which gets paid to our named person upon our death. His goes to his DD. I'd like mine to go to his but then I think what's the sodding point. He can afford quite comfortably our current house if I wasn't around. I on the other hand would probably end up losing the house before the tenancy runs out. We've previously discussed changing it so most goes to his DD and a small portion goes to me to at least get me through until the end of the tenancy. But nothing has ever come of it and it doesn't feel like he even wants to change it.

I just feel often we're living very separate lives. I don't even know what would make me feel better tbh. I want us to commit to each other, to join our lives together but I feel like I'm the only one who wants this. Am I BU in feeling this way? What on earth do I do about it?!

OP, does he know that you are in overdraft? That is my first question.

Because if he does, and has let it continue ( despite - I assume - being aware that the earlier part of your relationship allowed him to save extra pennies) then you are either with someone who is very tight ( and that won't change, believe me!!) or he is just not committed enough to care about your financial position.

If he doesn't know, then you must tell him.

Yes he does know I'm in my overdraft. A while back he offered to help me get out of it but I wouldn't let him because I felt bad about him paying off my debt.

Holidays are paid for separately but his DD apart from maintenance is paid for from joint.

I told him yesterday I didn't want to go camping because of finances and he seemed very accepting. I feel bad though as we've already told his DD at some point we'll be going camping (but haven't saif when) and she was there when we chose her camping gear.

Do you think he might be getting mixed messages about what you want?

It sounds like you want financial togetherment and the security of emotional commitment but when he offered to get you out of debt you refused, could he possibly see this as a sign that you are pushing him away / communicating that you don't want him to help you?

Having said that I totally understand why you feel the overdraft is your responsibility, i'd feel the same, it's you that has overspent (the reason why doesn't matter). If you are totally set on paying back your own overdraft then you need to take a real look at your spending and I don't just mean the actual buying of things, I mean the emotions around it and why you don't say no to things that you might not be able to afford. I feel the most important thing to realise is that saying (and knowing) that you can't afford something is not being tight, it's being sensible. Please try to change your mindset on how it makes you feel, I've been there, and can 100% say that feeling sensible is a far better feeling than going along with something because you don't want to be seen as tight.

OP does he help with your MH issues and is he aware that you concern over money is adding to your anxiety?

He's no more than a boyfriend at the moment & it sounds like you expect him to prop you up. I think YABU

Seriously if the genders were revised the term cocktail lodger would be used he is already paying in over twice what you are.

Are you spending a lot on luxuries you shouldn't be? If so you need to cut them down rather then expecting your short term boyfriend to prop you up more.

Sadly I would be advising him to rethink his options if he came to me asking for advise that he pays over double what you do already and she is expecting me to pay even more.

Sorry if it seems harsh but he already is doing more then his fair share as it is

I think he can't have it both ways, if you aren't a serious relationship you shouldn't be paying anything towards his daughter. Does he know the extent of your financial worries?

I think though you are still at the stage where you support yourselves.

It sounds to me like you are giving him very mixed messages.

You paid for camping stuff for his daughter that you can't afford, but her stuff should come out of the joint account.

Are you too embarrassed to ask for the money from the joint account to pay for this, or do you not have access to the joint account?

He offered to help with your overdraft but you won't let him.

I think you need to work out where your money is going and why you are overdrawn and then sit down with him and talk about it.

It's difficult I know, been there done that. My now husband helped me when I was off work with depression. Now I contribute more because I'm back at work.

I know it's hard, but can you start planning to return to work even if it's not time to go back yet? Once I got back to working I felt so much better and you could start small and increase hours.

Sorry I misread almost lost job, you are working just ignore that bit!!

I find it strange but maybe because I have a house and my OH lives with me. I earn more but we just put all our money together. Pay out all our bills and then put the rest into joint account and buy food and luxuries and savings with that. He doesn't have a child though and were now expecting a baby but that's always been the arrangement. He is going on to the mortgage in the next few months though and he'll be earning a lot more than me soon. So the roles will change but same rules will apply. When we first got together I was stressed paying for all the house etc and he basically offered to move in and put our money together so I didn't have to stress. He lived with his parents beforehand and paid very little rent so it was a huge step for him! Does he know how far into your overdraft you are?

You need a conversation along these lines.
"It's theoretically ok to pay proportionately but this isn't working and i am getting into debt which can't continue so something needs to change. What shall we do?
A. Cut back on our expenditure? Maybe we don't so so many activities/spend so much. Also you really need to be paying for dd because as much as I'd like to, I can't afford it.
B. You start paying in a bigger proportion so that We can continue our standard of living but I'm not getting into debt.
I don't mind which of these options you want to do, but we need to do something as I'm getting into more and more debt each month. I'd also like to build in some savings for me so that I can at least pay till the end of the tenancy if something happens to you."

After this discussion, if he doesn't see your point then you seriously need to reconsider this relationship. You are not being unreasonable to demand one of those changes as the current set up is not sustainable.

Sounds like the joint account thing isn't working.

How about you both calculate exactly what your half of the rent, utilities is per month and you just send a standing order for that amount each month?

If that amount is more than you earn you're in a bit of trouble. You'd be better off in a house share that you could afford rather than in a house share you can't afford, which, sorry to be harsh, is what this sounds like.

You should really be asking yourself where you see this relationship 5 years from now and proceed accordingly.

Yes he does know I'm in my overdraft. A while back he offered to help me get out of it but I wouldn't let him because I felt bad about him paying off my debt.
This is good- first that he offered and second that you turned it down. But overdrafts are very expensive and it would be a good idea to sit down with him, let him pay it off and agree a sensible repayment schedule so you can pay him back gradually. You can both keep paying into the joint account in the proportions you have been, that seems fair, but only use that for essentials. Then you need to calculate the lifestyle you can afford, based on your residual income and personal costs. It may not include holidays at the moment. Anything above that you have to not do unless your DP wants to pay for both of you (as he may want your company on holiday sometimes) Don't allow yourself to spiral into massive debt, ideally you need to build up a small amount of savings too, even if it's only £5 per month.
A year in to living together and with serious relationship(s) in the past I would say he is being sensible not to commit more than a vague intention and see where it goes. Perhaps you can agree to discuss it again in 2-5 years and see where you're both at. Good luck

If you won't let him pay for your overdraft then you shouldn't be paying for his dd from the joint account. Either your finances are intermingled or they aren't. This seems to be as much your own fault as his. Have a serious conversation and come to a fair conclusion.

He doesn't seem to have done a thing wrong tbh. The joint account set up is relative to what you each earn and he offered to sort out your overdraft. It sounds like whenever you raise an issue, he's helpful with it. The thing that seems to be underlying your concerns is that he doesn't want to get married, which seems to be feeding your insecurity. But as he's been married before and it didn't work out, it's not so unusual for him not to want to get married again, not yet at least. You've only been living together for a year and it doesn't sound like it's been a smooth ride, with the upheavals of moving, your MH etc. but he still sounds like he loves you and is committed, but is just being sensible. Honestly, I think it's too much at this stage to push for things like being on his life insurance. I think you need to focus on getting yourself well and making more sensible decisions - let him pay off your overdraft and then tighten your belt until you can get back to a point where you're living within your means and him supporting you more isn't necessarily the solution.

I completely agree rightwhine it is absolutely my fault.

I won't ask for the money from the joint account because sometimes the situation is reversed and if he's buying things he'll add on his daughters or sometimes even my things instead of using the joint.

I don't understand the idea that it's not a serious relationship? A conversation in work went along the lines of would you give your wife / husband / partner an organ if you were a match and they'd die without it. I asked DP this wondering what his response was and he said yes he would, he'd give me his organ, his blood, his bone marrow without even the slightest doubt and he would even come off his MH medication if it was needed. Just because we're not married / engaged / bought a house it doesn't mean we're not in a committed relationship.

The cock lodger comment was unfair! I initially insisted on 50:50 as I felt bad about him paying more just because he earns more. It was him that suggested a few months later to switch to proportional to our income as he felt had me paying in as much and ending up with nothing or more into overdraft at the end of the month.

Tbh I'm really hurt by the cock lodger comment. The reason I'm in the red is because of a cock lodger. I stupidly moved in with my ex when he was a lazy, abusive shit who didn't work and expected me to pay for everything including his DS.

On the plus side my overdraft is interest and fee free for another 2 years (graduate account). So in theory there's no rush to pay it off but I hate being in the negative.

treacle, notanevilstepmother, slightlyperturbed I really like your advice, thank you.

He does help a lot with my MH and he is incredibly supportive but I don't think he realises how anxious money issues make me feel. We did try to have a conversation last night and agreed we'd hold off on the camping for a while until I'm more financially stable. Also I really want to do a course which will further my career but I decided against it as it'll cost me £120. Last night he told me to pay for it from the joint account because he thinks it'll really help me to do it.

pink thank you. You're right. He hasn't done anything wrong. It's my MH that's the issue most of the time. Honestly, I don't even know if I'd want to get married right now. He's only been divorced 4 years and I think I'd rather be together for longer and feel secure in how we are now instead of thinking I'll feel secure if xyz happened - if that makes sense? I think I put too much focus on how I may potentially feel better in the future rather than chilling the heck out and enjoying the situation we have.
Ahh I don't even think that makes any sense.

It seems neither of you are grabby etc. You just need to have a good old chat about what you can actually afford to do. And then if he wants you on holidays etc that you can't afford, then it's up to you both as to whether he pays for that or not. The two things that must definitely happen are that you don't get into debt and that you build small savings to enable you to finish the tenancy if something happens to him.