Unplanned pregnancy and my dream job

[TheRightHonourableLady]

I posted on here a while ago looking for advice with regards to an unplanned pregnancy and new job dilemma, but deleted my account after failing to namechange and posting something extremely outing.

I have four children aged between 5 and 12 (one has pretty severe anxiety issues and another has ADHD) and am 12 weeks pregnant with my fifth. It was unplanned, and when I posted on MN for advice many posters advised me to get an abortion, which I will admit I was considering. I had at the time only started rebuilding things with my OH after he'd cheated on me. However, after telling him he was ecstatic and I decided against this. Things are not great between us now but we are working on it.

I'd also just found out I'd got my dream job, which I assumed I would start in August. I will now be six months pregnant at the time, and I haven't yet told my employers as it's a very demanding and stressful job and I beat off a lot of competition. I know they cannot legally let me go because of my pregnancy, but I feel that I should step down from the role. I am a firm believer that women should never have to give up their jobs due to a pregnancy, unless of course they want to. My reasons for considering rejecting it are:

1. OH has just been made redundant. With his qualifications and experience and the field he works in, getting another job shouldn't be hard, but things are still uncertain.

2. Due to maternity leave I would most likely be off from October until the following April. Because of the nature of the job, this would be disastrous for those I'm working with.

3. I've numerous health problems over the past three years and I don't know if I could manage it or not. I had severe morning sickness with two of my children, though haven't experienced it with this one yet, and several complications.

4. Childcare is an issue, as my mum said she will happily help out but she works 2 days a week. She already picks up my younger children and my DSis' from school everyday and minds them till 5 so I feel guilty asking her to do more.

And yet...it's so selfish but this is my absolute dream job in the best location and the thought of it gives me thrills of excitement. If I turn it down I won't get this opportunity again for a while. I just feel so lost and would really appreciate any advice, even if it is just to tell me how foolish I'm being. Sorry for the long post

If your husbands not working could you think about him staying at home with the baby? Seems logical but would you both be happy with that?

Plaice I'd be very happy with that, I'm not sure he would though. He's very career-driven and doesn't help out much with the kids, though he dotes on them.

What Plaice said.

If you really want this job I'd tell them now, arrange to have 6 weeks off then your H can have time off. I assume you wouldn't be entitled to any sort of mat pay anyway starting so late?

I started a new job at 5 months pregnant. Wasn't planned, I had the interview before I even conceived but by the time they sorted my contract out I was 5 months gone. They were absolutely fine about it, although they did question why I didn't tell them and I just said I didn't know, so tell them sooner rather than later.

Why would your husband's redundancy mean you reject the job? Isn't that a reason to take it?

OP, Are you absolutely decided against an abortion? You don't sound sure. Is that why you are posting again? It sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

Your husband could take a year off whilst job hunting to give you a chance to establish yourself in the job. Once you're fully establish you can consider flexible working/ condensed working hours.

There's no point in both of you being unemployed at the same time. You don't realistically know how long it will take for him to get another job. He could consider a part time job/flexi job too so you've both got leeway for your kids.

Your DH is going to be unemployed?
Then he should do childcare while you work.

If you can't manage the job due to health issues, then you need to turn down the job. Baby or no baby.

I think op has made her mind IP to continue with pregnancy.

Just tell them op, let your mum help and tell your dh he will have to do more.

Or step down from the role.

Why on earth would you be looking to take 6 months off in those circs? If you want baby and dream job, something has to give. Short maternity leave back at 6 weeks with expressed milk for baby, few employers wouldn't accommodate that.
If you want to take 6 months and would turn down the job at this point, I'd suspect this isn't your dream job after all.

Have you actually signed a contract yet?

Baby or dream job, you can't have both. If being off is going to be as disastrous for those working with you as you say then I guarantee they'll be looking for excuses to get rid of you as soon as they can.

You already have four kids, this is your chance to get yourself a job you love, make a good reputation for yourself and move up. If your shakey marriage doesn't work out at least you will have a strong foundation to build a new life from. The alternative...

Another baby and likely unemployment in the near future (they'll get around the law), the stress of that on an already shakey marriage and if it goes badly, boom. There won't be any getting up from it.

I think you're being self destructive tbh. At the very least put the kids you already have first. They're going to be massively impacted.

You can't have both. As others have said, something's got to give. You need to figure out which is your priority.

Of course you can have both a dream job and a baby. Most employers would be irritated but wouldn't try and 'get round the law' and sack someone for being pregnant. Too risky!

Wouldn't issues 2, 3 and 4 apply to your current job also? Don't your health issues and childcare problems apply to that?

I don't understand why you're even thinking about this. People get pregnant all the time in new jobs. It's not a big deal. Of course you accept it. Don't tell them until you have to- ask for a meeting before you start.

I'm at people saying you can't have both. Why not? She fought off lots of competition, they want her. It's not a big deal

She says it's a big deal.

"Because of the nature of the job, this would be disastrous for those I'm working with."

Go for the job, take minimum maternity leave, and get your dh to stay at home with the baby.

I work in an industry where 12 week mat leaves are the norm. Most senior roles do have some flexibility for kids built in.

If it will impact on others, which it clearly will as you've stated it would be disastrous, then I'm sorry but yes, either baby or job. If you do take the job & it does impact badly on colleagues then there's a good chance of resentment building-not likely to remain your dream role then is it?

Thanks for all the replies so far.

I've always thought I'd be able to do both, but now I'm not so sure. I think the fact that two of my children have behavioural/MH issues and my somewhat rocky relationship with OH is just putting me under more pressure than I would be normally. It's not that I don't want this fifth child, I'm massively grateful for the fact I can because I struggled to concieve for many years.

6 month maternity leave is maybe me just feeling like I need to take that much off. The fact I'm perhaps making such a big deal over it is because it is in the public sector and so taking any time off not only impacts my employers but those I have a duty of care over too.

Points 2, 3 and 4 do feature in my current job too - in response to 2 because of my position within my current one it wouldn't make such a big deal if I was to be off for an extended period of time. And as for point 4, my mum picks up my children from school every day and looks after them till I get off work at half 5, but with a baby it would need daytime care too.

I'd lean towards not having the baby.

If you do have the baby, I agree with the advice to take less time off. I started a job in July, had a baby in mid-November and was back at work by 1 February. My employer was not ecstatic, but it wasn't too bad in the end.

How could it be disastrous for the team? Companies have to put up with women having babies, it's just the way it goes. No one stays childless because the company will
Suffer

Okay well if you can't keep the baby and the job and take six months maternity leave as I see it you have a pretty start choice between:

1. Terminate the pregnancy and take the job.
2. Take the job and take very short maternity leave (either OH stays home as FT dad or you hire a nanny).
3. Accept the job and see how it goes, thereby putting the decision off for now.

If you haven't had morning sickness by 12 I'm assuming you won't ...

It seems crazy to continue with the PG in these circs. You already have a LOT on your plate (children, rocky marriage, job stress etc) and you need to be a bit kind to yourself.

I think your OH needs to step up here and offer support.

You can have both the job and the kid if he has the time off so you can get back to work asap with minimal mat leave.

How he manages this - short contracts maybe until the baby is born - is up to him but I really think he needs to be offering solutions.

You turning the job down is madness. Don't do it.